Paint By Numbers

Over the Thanksgiving break, Ethel and I decided to do a few things around the house. The first item on our list was touching up the paint around the house - there were a few scratches here and there and lots of cat paw prints.

The builders left us a quart of the paint they used - Kelly-Moore 450-20 Western Acoustic (that brings to mind gunfights and cattle rustling, no?), but it had rust in it, so we took a drive to the local Kelly-Moore store.

We walked into the store and to the counter and waited patiently for someone to offer to help us. After a short wait, the sales guy came over - Painter Boy, or PB for short. I want to characterize the salesperson there as incompetent, but he wasn't. He was just lazy. Probably the son of the owner now that I think about it.

The conversation went like this:

PB: Can I help you (with sort of a "what now?" intonation)
Me: I need a can of 450-20 Western Acoustic
PB: 450 has been discontinued
Me: The number? Hmm.. Ok, do you have anything like it?
PB: No, nothing that will match
Me: What does the number mean?
PB: 450 means it's for contractors.
Me: Seriously? Don't you mix colors?
PB: Yes, but it wouldn't match
Me: [thinking he must not be very good at mixing if it doesn't match] Hmm.. Why not?
PB: Because it's different
Me: I realize that, how is it different?
PB: It just is
Me: Is it a texture thing?
PB: No, it's just different. All paints are different
Me: So 450 was discontinued. Was it replaced by something?
PB: Yes, either 550 or 1050, but they won't match, they're different
Me: What's the difference between them?
PB: 1050 is the contractors version
Me: Sounds kind of like the 450, no? Can I get a quart of that?
PB: No, it only comes in gallons
Me: What about the 550?
PB: That comes in quarts
Me: Can I have one?
PB: Oh, ok

All the while, I kept turning to Ethel wondering what it was I had done to elicit such utter stupidity from him. Once in a while, I will say or do something that triggers a bad reaction in someone - just like with the gate guy actually.

Ethel did a nice job touching things up (my job was to make sure the cats didn't get too close to the wet paint) - we should have Painter Boy to see if he can find the non-matching spots.

Ewww! Gross!!

Ok, people, let's role play for a bit.

Imagine you work at a fast food restaurant. You're responsible for making sandwiches. You're wearing those plastic gloves for a reason. It's called hygiene (pronounced "Hi Jean"). When the register lady has problems, you're allowed to help, but you really, really need to take off your gloves and put on a clean pair when you're done helping and go back to making sandwiches. You never know what I did with the money that I gave you.

Scenario Two. Imagine you're a customer walking through a farmers market. There are many stands around you with many wonderful looking foods. Some of the stands even have samples. If you look closely, you might even see tongs for selecting the samples. Use them. Wait! Don't take me so literally. Use them for selecting the sample, don't use them for putting the samples in your mouth. Try this - select a sample, pick it up with tongs, drop it into your other hand, insert it into your mouth. Seems reasonable, no?

Consider the alternative - select a sample, pick it up with the tongs, deposit it in your mouth. See the problem? Wretch, wretch. But fear not, you're not alone, turns out there are people even more disgusting than you around. Let's move on to the final scenario.

Scenario Three. We never officially met. You were filling your cup with water from the tap; I was getting silverware and a napkin for use with my nigh-lunch (grill guy - you never cease to disappoint me - it's grilled cheese, how can you possibly screw that up too!). With your right hand, you were holding your cup under the faucet. With your left, you were picking your nose. Yes, you were picking your nose. Call it "scratching an itch" if you like, the reality was that you were picking your nose.

Maybe you thought no one noticed. Maybe you thought I often gagged when selecting silverware. You were wrong on both counts. The reality is that more often than not, people don't sit at the water faucet and pick their fucking noses. They know better.

'nuff said.

O' Canada

Oh, Canada, neighbor to the north, what the hell were you thinking?

Every once in a while a story catches my eye that's just too amazing for words. The story of Robert Dziekanski was one such story. Robert was a 40 year old man from Poland. Last month, he took his first plane flight, from Poland to Canada, to see his mother who lives in British Columbia.

Somehow, Robert didn't end up connecting with his mother and ended up stuck in the arrivals area, for 10 hours. Robert didn't speak English, and no one there spoke Polish. Robert was upset (not surprisingly really). Eventually the police were called.

Taking a page out of the University of Florida police handbook the RCMP tasered Robert, repeatedly. Robert died. He never got to see his mother. She never got to see her son.

Again, Canada, what the hell were you thinking? Haven't you learned nothing from watching all of the senseless violence that goes on here to your south? I guess you did actually. First, the police said Robert fought them, but as the video demonstrated, he didn't. You learned that from us, right - denial of the facts.

So here's the deal. I was thinking about heading up to BC to see some of the Olympics, but now I'm not going to. Until I see/hear/read about an apology from you to Robert's mother (put it up on YouTube so everyone can see it), I'm going to boycott everything Canadian - Molson, Hockey, etc. If it comes from there, it's not welcome here.

Dear Senator Feinstein and Friends

What could you possibly be thinking - immunity from prosecution. You represent me. It was through my vote and the votes of others like me that you arrived in office. You are supposed to be voting in favor of measures I'm in favor of and against those that I am against. That's why I helped to elect you, because I thought you stood for the same values I stood for.

Was I wrong? The government went to the nation's telephone companies and said "give us your data." The telcos said "oh, ok, sure, here you go." That's wrong. The Statue of Liberty says "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free..." It doesn't say "Give me your tired, your poor, those yearning to have their personal communications illegally shared. Why should they get immunity - because they were coerced by the government into providing the information? Perhaps the government should be added to the pending lawsuits!

Are you the same congress who ripped Jerry Yang a new one a few weeks back because Yahoo!® shared private information with the Chinese government that led to the imprisonment of Shi Tao? How is this different? Because we are us and they are them? The word of the day is hypocrite; as in "you are a hypocrite and should be ashamed of yourself."

The Orgasmatron 2000

Ethel and I hit the mall yesterday in search of some pre-Thanksgiving bargains. Along the way, we stopped in a Brookstone to see if they carried a remote for our Roomba (kind of cheesy that it came without one, and our Logitech Harmony doesn't seem to control it). We didn't find a remote, but we did find an OSIM iGallop.

Wow! This is exercise? It didn't look like something that should have been out in the middle of the; it seemed a better fit behind a curtain somewhere, with an employee out front checking the IDs of people who wanted to see it.

We wanted to take a closer look at it, but a woman had mounted it was trying it out (while her husband longingly looked on) and much like a dog with a bone, she didn't look like she was going to be letting go of it anytime soon.

According to CNN

According to a CNN poll, 40% of all Americans are morons. Another one percent are complete morons. People, people, what are you thinking? The president is doing a good job? Where do you get your news? Right, Fox News, I knew that.

Maybe the survey questions were confusing? Maybe when the pollster asked "Is President Bush doing a good job?" you thought the question was "Is President Bush doing a good job at covering his ass?"

Right, he's made America safe from terrorists, so all of the people who've lost their homes can sleep better (under the bridge down the road, on the park bench covered in newspaper) knowing that they're not likely to get dirty bombed anytime soon.

Do you think he's setting a good example for your kids? Does little Billy Joe say he wants to grow up and be president?

If I can find the phone number for you, will you call CNN and apologize and tell them you misunderstood the question?

Felix's Secret

Felix entrusted me with his secret, but we had a falling out, so I'm outting him:

Dear .
Please help me l'm in serious problem now and i preffer you as foreigner to standby me as my relations or partner outside Africa to be in good relationship with honesty.

I hope you will never betray me at last, My most required concern is for you to recognised me as your best friend while establishing a long lasting relationship for our future.

Since the assassination of my late father by unknown gunmen, my life has been uncomfortable here in my country, and also because my uncle who is called Alex is very wicked and is trying to claim most of my father’s local valuable properties and bank accounts in my country since after my father’s burial. I am contacting you because my late father warned to be careful about him in the letter he left for me. So my dear, i want to explain my secret to you and i don’t want any other person in my country or elsewhere to hear about this my father secrets . This is because I wouldn’t want anyone including my uncle to know about this money, because if he knows that my father has such amount of money deposited outside my country my life would be in danger.

I would like you and me to see face to face so we would trust each other more, and together go to the Security and finance company where my father deposited this money and release it, and i have with me all the deposit documents of the money and my father told me all secret about his money he deposit outside our country .

My aim of contacting you is to assist me in two ways, first to help and transfer this money to your country and secondly to help me get a profitable business for investment in your country or any where in overseas all is base on your professional advice and acceptance to assist me. I can send copies of the deposit documents if you wish.

Please, i wait for your reply to know if you accept to help me . and feel free to ask any question you might need to know about me .
From .
Felix

Felix can be reached here should you wish to contact him to tell him you know his secret.

What Up Dog!

Every once in a while, I stumble on something that sounds like a can't miss idea. In the '80s, we had the Smokeless Ashtray and the Pocket Fisherman (different than pocket pool).

This evening, I found 2007's equivalent to these. The Humping Dog. That's right, a USB Humping Dog. Just plug it in to a free USB slot and he (I assume it's a male - seems logical) goes to town. It's just the thing for your office if you're unhappy with your current job.

To the manufacturers, I'd offer one small suggestion.. As it is now, it just humps. Hump, hump, hump. Why not use 'dog for something else - make it a Bluetooth adapter for example. Maybe he can howl whenever a headset pairs with him.

Or make him a memory stick - the faster data gets written, the more he humps. When the memory stick fills up, he falls over, exhausted. Good puppy.

Butt, Butt

Another butthead driving the streets of California. I was sitting behind this guy and saw her toss a cigarette out the window:
If you look really closely, you can sort of see it, just to the left of the car. It looks like a Newport maybe. Ok, I made the Newport part up, but I bet one of the CSI: teams could figure out what kind it was.

Lady, are you stupid? Did you see all of the fires in San Diego last week? Some of them no doubt started because someone tossed a lit cigarette out their window as they drove down the road. You're right, the pavement isn't going to catch on fire, but don't you think this is a bad habit to develop?

To help you break the habit, I'm on the phone with 1-800-TELL-CHP reporting you now. If you get a letter in the mail, you can thank me - Dorkenhoff, Milton Dorkenhoff, Litter Stopper.

Trick or Treat?

Halloween came and went, without trick or treaters this year. How sad. Don't get me wrong, we're never overwhelmed by trick or treaters - we usually get less than 10 kids (more candy for me?) but this year there were none. And I think I know exactly who to blame.

It would be the Nazi neighbor who got the people across the street evicted. Damn her. So what if he was (past tense) in a gang and and his friends played handball in the parking lot across the street from my house (yes, my house, not yours). What business is it of yours? I'm sorry he scared you.

Did you ever consider talking to him? No, not through the police, I mean like actually saying hello. I did. When I saw him, I said hello. And he said hello back. It was almost like he was a real person. Now he's gone as are his cousins are gone (my trick or treaters). It's quiet in the neighborhood now - that would be the lack of kids playing I think. I wonder what their lives are like now, where they ended up. I bet they don't have a front yard to play in anymore. But that doesn't matter, because you're not afraid. Some people confront their fears, you get yours evicted. I can't wait to see who moves in next. Registered sex offender maybe?

Was it you who called the police about the beat up pickup truck parked our front houses the other day? Did that bother you too? Because someone was living in it? Here's the thing.. Someone who is living in their car probably doesn't have a lot of money, so when their truck (read "home") gets impounded, they're probably not going to be able to get it back..

Congratulations, you just made someone's life go from bad to worse. And for what? Do you can go on pretending you're better than them.

When does it end?