Like a good neighbor...

Some new neighbors moved in a couple of months ago. They seemed pretty normal, though one has to wonder why two straight 40-something men are living together. It reminds me a bit of the Odd Couple actually - can two divorced men share an apartment together without driving eachother crazy - except that I don't know that either of them is divorced (never thought to ask), and it's me that's being driven crazy.

It started shortly after they moved in - one of them, I'll call him Marlboro Man smokes. No big deal, sure, I think it's a pretty disgusting habit and he no doubt flicks his lit cigarettes out the window while driving down the road costing millions of dollars worth of fire damage, but that's his problem not mine. His smoking became my problem as soon as the weather got warmer..

You see (any Rocky Horror fans in the crowd?), he doesn't smoke inside, he only smokes outside on his front porch. And as fate would have it, there's some sort of physics-defying vortex between his front porch and my bedroom window. As a result, when my window is open and he's smoking, his smoke comes into my house. WTF! You don't want to make your house smell, but it's ok for mine to smell? I think not.

But the smoking is nothing compared to what his roommate does. Whenever Marlboro Man is off for the weekend with his girlfriend, the roommate - I'll call him David Lee Roth because he's got a penchant toward loud and obnoxious behavior - goes downtown and gets hammered. Ok, no biggie, that's what downtown is there for, as long as you're not driving nor puking in my bushes, I'm ok with it.

But the thing is, when Bono gets home at 2am when the bars close, he cranks up his stereo, then proceeds to pass out (in a pool of vomit I suspect). Again, WTF. If you're going to sleep, can you turn the music off? The first time it happened I walked over there (3am) and banged on the door (knocking didn't work, the music was too loud) and he sheepishly said "too loud?"

The next weekend, same deal.. I banged on the door at 2:30am and WOKE HIM UP. He answered the door pissed that I had woken him up and said "Again?!?" Right, it's my fault that I woke you, won't happen again.

The third time it happened I ignored it and then sent a letter to the homeowner association :)

And that nearly worked. Until this weekend. Sunday morning 2am rolls around, they both come stumbling back home with some friends and are quiet (apart from confusion as to how the steps and front door work). Then a few minutes later there's a two-way radio noise out front, and I'm thinking "ha, someone called the cops on you, serves you right." But I looked outside and saw a taxi cab - they were in the middle of a LOUD and tearful goodbye as they sent their party friends home in a cab.

Ethel told me it's wrong to be passive aggressive, but I'm seriously thinking about pointing our subwoofer at the wall we share with them and cranking up the base at around 7am next Sunday..

Trick or Treat?

Halloween came and went, without trick or treaters this year. How sad. Don't get me wrong, we're never overwhelmed by trick or treaters - we usually get less than 10 kids (more candy for me?) but this year there were none. And I think I know exactly who to blame.

It would be the Nazi neighbor who got the people across the street evicted. Damn her. So what if he was (past tense) in a gang and and his friends played handball in the parking lot across the street from my house (yes, my house, not yours). What business is it of yours? I'm sorry he scared you.

Did you ever consider talking to him? No, not through the police, I mean like actually saying hello. I did. When I saw him, I said hello. And he said hello back. It was almost like he was a real person. Now he's gone as are his cousins are gone (my trick or treaters). It's quiet in the neighborhood now - that would be the lack of kids playing I think. I wonder what their lives are like now, where they ended up. I bet they don't have a front yard to play in anymore. But that doesn't matter, because you're not afraid. Some people confront their fears, you get yours evicted. I can't wait to see who moves in next. Registered sex offender maybe?

Was it you who called the police about the beat up pickup truck parked our front houses the other day? Did that bother you too? Because someone was living in it? Here's the thing.. Someone who is living in their car probably doesn't have a lot of money, so when their truck (read "home") gets impounded, they're probably not going to be able to get it back..

Congratulations, you just made someone's life go from bad to worse. And for what? Do you can go on pretending you're better than them.

When does it end?

Told ya' so

Woohoo!! We just had an earthquake!

I know, scary, people might be hurt, property damaged, etc. I remember where I was when we had our last major earthquake. On Oct 17, 1989, I was cruising up 880 just south of the Oakland on my way to a Hooters concert. It was my first major quake; my first thought was "damn, I've got a flat tire," followed shortly by "four flats? I can't afford to replace four tires, what the hell did I run over!" And then lastly "ha, all you people pulling over checking your tires, it was an earthquake, you don't have flat tires."

So what's with the celebration tonight? Well, there's the obvious - apart from one fish down (long story) and the grandfather clock stopping, everything seems fine. That's always worth celebrating.

But more importantly, I've been exchanging email with people in my homeowner association about the benefits of earthquake insurance. A significant number of members, apparently, think earthquake insurance is a waste of money - they consider the idea that you would pay money for insurance that you might never need absurd.

Ha, take that! In the next big one, do I want to have to come up with a $100K deductible, or $500K to rebuild my freaking house? Let me think about it for a minute...

Water Water Everywhere..

Our house came with sprinklers, lots of sprinklers - every 6 feet or so. If we had a lawn, that would be great. But we don't. In California's climate, a lawn is a waste of water. Instead, we have lots of woodchips, a bunch of plants that came with the house, and oodles of potted plants.

Rather than waste water by watering the plants that came with the house and the barren spots, we thought it would be environmentally conscientious to replace some of the popup sprinklers (the ones that water the barren patches) with manifolds and some drip lines that target the areas where there are actually things growing.

Seemed a no-brainer to me. The Homeowner Association thought otherwise. They had this to say:

Any changes or additions must have no financial impact on the HOA now and in the future. This includes:

1. If the home is sold, the pop-up sprinklers must be replaced and in working order prior to sale, or the new owner must agree to accept financial responsibility for replacement of the sprinklers. (In lieu of this requirement, you might consider leaving the existing sprinklers and adding the drip system to cover your current requirements.)
2. You accept responsibility for maintenance of the drip system.
3. You agree to be billed, as part of your normal HOA assessment, for any additional landscape costs, if any, as a result of the drip system.
4. You agree that the potted plants will be consistent with the look and feel of the community.
5. You agree to be guided by the Board as to the number of pots on your property.

Let me think about that for a minute.

Ok, item 1, I can just add my own additional drip system rather than taking advantage of all of the work that's already been done.

That seems a little extreme. Assuming I do it "on the cheap," I'd just hang something off of my garden faucet. But weren't you the same people who sent me a letter (real mail, 72 point font) saying I couldn't leave my garden hose in my front yard? I can't imagine you would appreciate an ugly box hanging off my front faucet to run my additional drip lines.

Item 3 - seems reasonable. But since I'll be saving you water, will I be reimbursed for what I save? No, I thought not.

Item 4 - my potted plants will be consistent with the rest of the community. Let's see; there's the neighbor with the dead lavender - that's certainly something to strive for. Hers is lying down on its side - do I need to do that? I suppose I can, but it looks, uhm, lame. Board-approved, but lame nonetheless.

And, of course, item 5 - I agree to be guided by the board. Yeah, I'm sure I'll do that. Sight unseen following the board's guidelines. Are you guys growing (and processing) poppies? Did I strike you as the type to blindly follow leadership? Did you know that many years ago a colleague told my boss I "needed therapy" because I refused to blindly follow him (the colleague, not the boss - the boss I would have blindly followed)? Yeah, I'll give that a miss.

Ok, I'm done thinking. No, thanks. I'll continue wasting water like the rest of the community. But thanks for giving it some thought.. Really, I appreciate your open-mindedness and concern for the environment.