Dough-nations

I get hit up fairly regularly for donations, by everyone and their brother. The Obama campaign called me a couple of times, CityTeam Ministries called me (they stopped calling me when I told them I couldn't possibly give money to an organization that would sanction the assasination of President of a sovereign nation), the blood bank calls me to remind me that I'm "overdue". But I couldn't believe the call I got the other day.

A man called and said "I'm so and so, I'm with Paramedics and Firefighters something or other, we're collecting money to help burn children."

Excuse me? What kind of sick bastard are you - collecting money to help burn children. Aren't the children of the world suffering enough already without you wanting to burn them? And why would you possibly think I would give you money to burn them? You people make me sick. You should be put away for a good long time!

Linked In Etiquette

Someone I worked with a few years ago just sent me a Linked In invite the other day. At first, I thought it was some sort of joke. I didn't dislike him in particular; I disliked his entire organization. They were lazy, at times incompetent, and always a pain in the ass to work with. What was he thinking.

But I logged on to my Linked In account, and it was no joke. Right there, waiting in my inbox was his invite - "hey, let's catch up." No, let's not. I don't like you. I don't think I've ever given you any indication in the past two years that I did like you, did I? Have I sent you any email? Have I called? Have I sent you any instant messages? No, I didn't. That should tell you something, no?

But, apart from contacting him directly, there was no way to convey my feelings. My linked in inbox only gave me two choices - I could either accept his invitation, or archive it. There was no button that would have sent back a "what were you thinking" email. Maybe if it came with a payment of some sort - that's a nice mashup - buying colleagues on Linked In using PayPal. Sure, I'll be your friend, for a small fee.

On a pleasant note, I did hook up with a friend from college many years ago while I was on Linked In contemplating this unwarranted invitation.

Prince Albert in a Can

Years ago, we used to make prank phone calls. One of the more popular ones was calling a tobacco shop and asking "do you have Prince Albert in a can?" The shopkeeper would respond "yes" and we would respond "you better let him out, he can't breath!" Ha ha ha.. I guess it was funnier as a fifth grader.

Who knows, maybe in a year or two, we'll be calling a federal penitentiary and asking "Do you have Alberto Gonzalez in the can?" And we can respond "let him out, we have an opening for him at the World Bank."

I don't get these people. Alberto said "I did nothing improper" when question about firing the various state attorney generals. Uhm, right, nothing. You lied. Remember? You said "I knew nothing about this." And then were confronted with emails to the contrary and you changed your story. Ask Scooter Libby, he'll tell you it's wrong. Ask a fifth grader, she'll agree.

Wait, you didn't know that lying was wrong? Perhaps you can use that as your defense, plead innocent on account of insanity because you're incapable of distinguishing right from wrong?

Martha Martha Martha

Ok, so I'm not the world's greatest Martha Stewart fan. When she went to jail, I added a speed dial to my phone labeled "Martha Stewart" that called my cell phone (if you don't get it, move your mouse here). But today, her approval rating dropped a bunch more.. She's now hovering about where the president is, if you can believe that.

For those who aren't following the news, another Soyuz rocket was sent to the International Space Station yesterday. Great - more supplies for the astronauts (speaking of which, how'd Suni do in the Boston Marathon?) but supplies weren't the only thing on this rocket.

This flight, like a few in the recent past, included a space tourist - Charles Simonyi, billionare, creator of such things as Microsoft Word and Microsoft Excel. Thanks Charles - our world is a better place now that we have Word and Excel. Personally, I'm a Lotus 1-2-3.

But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because of a comment Martha made after the Soyuz launch. She said:

"The launch was beautiful, Charles," Stewart told Simonyi. "I just want to say that we are happy for the safe and beautiful trip and I want you to know that we all think that you are a true pioneer."

So, here's the thing Martha. Charles is not a pioneer. He's a guy with a shitload of money and nothing better to spend $25M on than a trip to space. If Charles spent $25M making the lives of a few people better, then I'd consider him a pioneer.

Or maybe he could have spent the money, uhm, I don't know, buying AIDS medicine for some underdeveloped country that's being ravaged by the disease. Maybe buy food for a few hundred thousand people somewhere in the world?

But no, he spent it on a trip to the space station. Sorry Martha, that sounds more selfish than it does pioneerish.

Mercedes Advertisement

I saw the funniest Mercedes ad in Bon Appétit the other day. Sadly, I don't think Mercedes intended the ad to be funny. The text read something like this:

"If I had not been in the car I was in, I probably wouldn't be alive today."

A major collision with a tractor trailer gave Paula Varsalona an altogether new appreciation for Mercedez-Benz engineering.

The truck stopped in front of her without warning. Traffic was moving fast and there was no time to react. The damage to her S600 was severe.

Ok, stop right there (no pun intended). Did the tractor trailer really stop so suddenly? Are you absolutely sure? I'm not certain, but I would have expected most any Mercedes to be able to stop faster than a tractor trailer.

Is it possible that you were, uhm, not paying attention? Maybe? Come on, think about it. Maybe you were talking on the phone? Sending a text message maybe? Mercedes... Tractor trailer... I'm not so sure I believe you. I'd hope for $140K you'd get a car with decent brakes.

Mercedes, is this really the message you were hoping to convey - That your cars have crappy brakes? Or was it that your drivers are inattentive?

How about if you hook up with ad agency that did the Geico caveman - maybe have a Mercedes run over a caveman. The tag line could be "Mercedes - the real reason the neandertals didn't survive."

CIT400, Check Swing

While I sit waiting patiently for Linksys to get back to me, I thought I'd play around with my phone some. I noticed the other day that when I called myself (SkypeOut to my cell phone) the callerid my cellphone receives is garbage (0 0 0 0 1 2 3 4 5 6), so, of course, I e-mailed Linksys customer support.

They responded in their typical timely manner - it should work fine, can you describe the scenario that it fails? Sure. The callerid that someone sees when I call is mostly garbage. It fails when I call my cell phone. It also fails when I call my family, and, it fails when I call my office phone. But besides that, I know of no other scenarios when it fails (I've not tried any other scenarios).

In my response, I also pointed them to the Skype forum where others have pointed out that callerid doesn't work so well (the reported callerid is wrong), along with a witty comment along the lines "it must be embarassing to say 'it works fine' only to find out that the rest of the world knows it's never worked properly."

Alas, the technician said "As you can see, the problem is with Skype, not my phone" - no "thank you for providing a link to the Skype forum, my colleagues are inept and didn't know about this" nor "yeah, you caught me, I really have no idea what I'm doing and was just pretending I gave a crap about your problem"..

So, Linksys, class is over. Want to know your final grade? You got an F - that's right, a big fat F. Sorry, I'd have liked to have given you a better grade, but the reality is, you did nothing to warrant anything else. Class participation was a large part of your grade, and, while you participated regularly, your heart never seemed to be in it and you never once had a correct answer.

What did your mother say?

In a move right out of "Growing Up - 101", President Bush appointed Sam Fox (not to be confused with Samantha Fox, nor oooh baby, Samantha Fox) as our ambassador to Belgium.. We all did this as kids; you know you did, don't deny it. You wanted something and you asked your mother; she said no, so you went and asked your father, without telling him your mother had already said no.

I imagine the dialog went something like this:

Georgie: Karl, what do you think - we need to fill that Belgian ambassadorship post
Karl: It's a no-brainer G, Sam Fox. We owe him one for that Swift Boat thing
Georgie: Oh, right, what a great idea! But no one in Congress likes him
Karl: All part of my plan. Remember what we did with John Bolton? We're gonna do the same thing
Georgie: Bolton? The singer? Isn't he, uhm, you know, one of them?
Karl: No, not him. John Bolton. He was our UN ambassador for a while. We waited til Congress was recessed and then he just slid right in.
Georgie: Karl, you're a genius! What did I ever do without you!

We all outgrew it. Well, most of us anyway. Did you stick your tongue out at Congress and say "nah nah nah, I got my way ha ha ha" when you made the appointment Mr President? You're not setting a very good example for our future soldiers children.

Another one rides the bus

I want to say I'm surprised, but I'm not. I just found out another colleague is leaving. Tis the season I suppose; this most recent exodus being modeled on the Exodus of my ancestors from Egypt which began 3320 years ago today. Thankfully this time it's without all of the plagues and matzo.

I think I'll change my name - "Moses Dorkenhoff" has a nice ring to it..

Every Litter Bit Hurts

I went out to dinner with some friends last night (Cafe Artemis - great Mediterranean cuisine). While we were relaxing after dinner on their patio, one of the other customers lit up a cigarette. Ugh, please. Did you need to do that? Ok, I guess you did - you have no self control.

Fine. Can't you go elsewhere to smoke? No? Ok, then, did you have to put the cigarette out on the ground, and leave it there? That's not only nasty, but it's also littering. You figured you could do it just because someone else would clean up after you? Nice attitude. Or did you think no one saw (someone did).

In striking contrast, a woman was sitting next to me at the airport last night slurping down a Lapperts ice cream cone (it's not clear to me how one can slurp down an ice cream cone, but she did). A large chunk of her cone broke off and landed on the floor. Did she leave it there? No, she didn't. She picked it up and threw it out (apparently the five second rule does not apply to airport floors).