Tree-be-gone

It's sort of like the old Reeses Peanut Butter Cup advertisements - the "you got chocolate on my peanut butter, you got peanut butter on my chocolate" ones - except with silicon and pine needles.

Mark Vargas installs a crapload of solar cells on his house and then tells his neighbors Richard Treanor and Carolynn Bissett "your trees are shading my solar cells, you need to cut them down. And sadly, he wins.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that Mr. Vargas installed solar cells on his home. It's a noble gesture on his part. And he apparently drives an electric car. And you gave $250 to the Arbor Day Foundation, you rock. Bravo.

But, really, your house apparently has five bedrooms (amusingly enough, zillow.com thinks you only have three, who is right - are you cheating on your taxes Mr. Vargas?). Do you really need that many? The Brady Bunch got by with four bedrooms and there were nine people living in the house.

Have you considered going after whomever installed your solar panels and asking them what they were thinking by installing the panels near trees which would obviously grow one day? Perhaps you and your installer knew this going an and also knew that the law would be on your side?

On the other hand, there's Richard and Carolynn. You're to be commended - you've shelled out $37,000 to protect your trees. But your house is worth over $1M according to zillow.com, so maybe you've got the money. One thing I was wondering though - you're concerned for the environment - what's with the lawn? It looks like you've got quite the well-manicured lawn there. What're you watering it with? If you really cared about the environment, wouldn't you have something just a bit more eco-friendly?

Name that Infraction!

Welcome everyone to the first episode of "name that infraction." You'll be presented with pictures of assorted cars in, shall we say, compromising positions. Your task will be to name the infraction. Be warned, some of the infractions are less obvious than others. Are you ready to start?

Ok, here's your first candidate...



The clock is ticking. This one is easy, come on, you can do it. Think. You can do it.. The yellow thing in the picture - that's key.

Right! Good job. That car is parked too close to the fire hydrant.

Ok, let's move on to the second infraction.. Are we ready? Ok, here goes..



No, don't worry, just think for a minute. Something is familiar in this picture. Think, what is it? Yes! It's the yellow thing again!

That's right, this car is also parked too close to a fire hydrant. And if you look really carefully, you can actually see the front of the car from the first question (the Ford Escape Hybrid - allegedly owned by the wife of the owner of Jon R Crase Construction) - does she ha

Congrats, you're two for two. Let's try something a little more challenging, ok? Here goes..


This is a tough one, I know. But you can figure it out. Work with me.. Come on, you can do it.. It's there, on the tip of your tongue. Think colors. Think red this time though. Get it??

Yes! Congratulations, you got another one right!! This car is parked in front of a red curb. Red curbs are red for a reason, you're not supposed to park in front of them (you're not surprised, are you?)

Ok boys and girls, one more. Here goes. Ready?


Come on, after the other three, this one is a cakewalk. Yes! Wonderful!! You're right again! This car is parked in front of a red curb too. You knew - you can't have any part of your car in front of a red curb.

Congratulations, you did great! Let's try one more, ok? This one is harder than all of the others.

Ready? Ok, here goes. For all the marbles, name the infraction!



No, don't give up? Think about it.. What could be wrong here. Is this car parked wrong? No, that's not it (I don't think so anyway - it's in a guest parking spot, I assume it belongs to a guest. Think. What could it be. Look at the picture again. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you look at it?

It's ugly. Yes! That's it, exactly. You hit the nail on the head! This car is just freaking ugly. And what makes it truly amazing is that this is a special edition car. That's right non-car-buffs. Someone actually paid extra for this. Porsche says it goes for nearly $75,000. Can you imagine that - paying $75,000 for a car that you can really only drive on Halloween? Yo, babe, trick or treat!

Check Please!

I have a CD at Wells Fargo that was going to mature this week, so I popped in over the weekend to ask them to automatically roll them over. Seemed pretty easy - "Hi, I'm Milton Dorkenhoff, can I have my CD automatically rolled over, it matures on Wednesday?

And it was. We discussed the ever declining interest rate (hey, thanks Bush Administration, are you sure the economy is doing well? And where's my $300? I want to go buy some crappy "Made in China" electronics), and she told me that she would roll my CD over at whatever the current rate was on Wednesday.

Fast-forward to Wednesday.. My cell phone rings, it's her.

Her: Hi, this is Bertha at Wells Fargo, I'm calling about your CD that is maturing today
Me: Yes, I know. I stopped by and asked that it be rolled over automatically
Her: You did? Who did you talk to?
Me: You
Her: Really? Hmm.. Oh, right, here it is, I'm sorry
Me: Uhm, sure.
Her: Ok, I think we're set then.

WTF Bertha! What was the point of my stopping by if you were just going to forget that I was there anyway?

Bush Whacked

Religious zealots help me out here. Assorted versions of the bible say that we should "do to others what you would have them do to you." President Bush just vetoed the bill banning the CIA's use of torture. Senator McCain - did you hear that? President Bush endorses you, but he wouldn't be against torturing you if he thought (dramatic pause) it would make America safer for his well to do friends. A "thank you Mr. President but no thank you" might be in order here.

Here's a thought. Everyone who thinks torture is actually ok let themselves be subject to some of it - a little waterboarding, maybe some electrocution, maybe even a bit of sensory deprivation. Afterwards, if you still think it's ok, then you get to torture someone else. Sound like a plan?

Cat Scratch Fever

I was reading a story - this lady had a couple of cats and they were destroying her furniture with their claws. Like many people she decided the solution was to have the cats declawed.

Stupid lady. They call it declawing, but it's really "cutting off their toes" - sounds less pleasant, doesn't it? It reminded me of something a friend of a friend said one night - "they use a laser, so it's ok." Right. Lasers make it ok. It's part of their foot; it's not ok (but getting them fixed is, hmmm). Maybe you should get a goldfish instead.

It reminded me of a movie - not a favorite, but one that will be forever burned in my mind, much like when Ray first appeared legless in ER.

Ho Hum[mer]

A picture's worth 1000 words...


Good bye Silicon Valley Hummer, we'll miss you. Ok, we won't. Exxon will though.