Screwed again, naturally

Does it ever end? I've flown back and forth to Europe who knows how many times in the past few years. I have tens of thousands of frequent flyer miles in every conceivable mileage program (One World, Star Alliance, etc). So you would think that if I were to hop on a plane, I'd have a good chance of upgrading from coach to business class, right?

Nope! Sorry, not a chance. There are so many rules and regulations it's nigh impossible to actually use miles to upgrade. Booked your ticket via a discounted Internet site (Travelocity, Orbitz, Expedia)? Sorry, that won't do - odds are you're booked in a class of service that doesn't qualify for upgrades.

Booked it directly through the airline's web site? Maybe you got lucky and got an upgradable ticket - but then everyone else probably did too, and inevitably someone else has tried to upgrade before you - and don't forget - "Platinum" trumps "Gold" - so even if you request your upgrade first, if someone else is a more frequent flyer than you, you lose.

Booked it over the phone? Good for you - I don't blame you. I would much rather have someone who knows what they're doing figure out how I get from point A to point B. But that confidence costs these days - most airlines charge you to speak with a person (it's $15 on United).

I booked a last minute trip online - the ticket cost $2700. That's right, nearly three thousand fucking dollars (no, I'm not rich, I'm going to be paying this off for a long time). For a coach class ticket! I figured "well, at least I'll be able to upgrade."

Right, in my dreams. I'm flying on Lufthansa, but I've got a United record locator number (because United and Lufthansa are buddy-buddy when they want to be). Not knowing which airline to call, I just called United. Good choice as it turns out, their agents weren't too busy, I only sat on hold for a minute or two..

That was the only good thing about the call though. When the agent looked my info up, she explained that because I was flying on Lufthansa and my miles were on United (this is where the "buddy-buddy" thing doesn't apply; nor does the whole "Star Alliance" thing), I would have had to call United 10 days in advance if I want to upgrade my "United stock" ticket (my ticket was an e-ticket, how that becomes "United stock" I know not (but I'm not surprised United stock is in the toilet).

Wait, here's the kicker.. Why do I have to call 10 days in advance (which is not possible as I booked my ticket yesterday and am leaving tomorrow - do the math - that's only 2ish days)? Because they need to print out a mileage award certificate that I then need to bring to the Lufthansa counter when I check in.

WTF? I need to get a piece of paper so that I can upgrade my electronic tickets? That's a bit messed up, no? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised - American Airlines does the same thing, but they've found a way to make a buck at it - if you upgrade with less than 10 days, they just charge you $75 for the pretend certificate.

It's funny how each time I run into one of these situations I'm surprised by it - you would think that I would have learned by now, huh? Maybe someone from United or Lufthansa will read this and say "hey, that guy sounds pissed, maybe there are other people we've pissed off with our stupid rules, maybe we should fix things"

No, you're right, it's not going to happen.

Food, shmood, shut up and eat!

Many years ago, I went to the local bagel place (Noah's Bagels) and to get a bagel. It was something of a routine really - I'd go to the coffee shop next door (Peet's Coffee), order a coffee, then order the bagel, then back to the coffee shop to pick up my coffee, then back to the bagel shop, and then outside to kick back, nosh, read the paper, etc. This day would be different however.

Ordering went as expected, and everything was ready. But when I sat down and unwrapped my bagel, it was obvious something had gone horribly wrong. Instead of a "sandwich" where there's a bagel top, cream cheese, and a bagel bottom, I had some sort of disfigured bagel carcass. The top was fine - dry on the top, a bit of cream cheese on the bottom where it would join the bagel bottom. But the bagel bottom - it somehow ended up folded in half, and had cream cheese on all exposed sides - leaving no place for my hands to actually hold the bagel..

You're probably thinking that I became incensed, and demanded my money back.. Surprise, I ddin't. I packed up the remains of the bagel, brought them back into the store, placed it on the counter, and calmly asked the clerk "is this the best you can do?"

It took a moment or two, but the clerk caught on and opened up the bagel wrapper. I can't recall whether he was surprised at the state of the bagel or not, but I remember the woman who had prepared it (though "prepare" doesn't quite describe what she did) walking past, looking at the bagel, and asking rather rudely "what's his problem?" refering to me.

They remade my bagel, and I'm sure I took it and ate it, but that was the last time I went to any Noah's bagel shop (ever); and I'm sure their stock has suffered as a result..

Why am I writing about something that happened so many years ago? Because I can't think of anything else to write about? No, I'm writing about the incident because it happened again, yesterday, right here at work, in the cafeteria.

It was "Buffalo Chicken Wrap" (though calling it a "wrap" is a misnomer, as it's not really wrapped or anything - it's just sort of splayed out on the plate - perhaps it should be called a "Buffalo Chicken Splay") day at the cafeteria grill (formerly my favorite). I got in line, and when my turn came, I ordered "the special."

Several completed wraps were sitting on the counter behind the grillmeister (GM for short), so I expected one right away. But I got nothing. Dissed, I was. He ignored me and gave several other people whatever they had ordered (non-special of the day things though).

A few minutes later, I was still waiting for my special, and, there, on the counter, were the same specials as before, slowly rotting away, ripe for the picking. GM picked one up and asked me what kind of fries I wanted with it. Silly question really, I've never not had the regular ones.

Here's the thing - he put the fries on the wrap. Not next to it mind you, but actually right on top of it, as if that was "normal." What's up with that? The special was a "Buffalo Chicken Wrap," it wasn't a "Buffalo Chicken/French Fries Wrap" - would it have killed you to move the pita to the side some so the fries could go on the plate?

No, it wouldn't have killed you, but you would have gotten the sauce which had since soaked through the pita on your hands, or possibly exposed the other side of the pita, which was charred like a campfire.

Sorry GM, it was a nice ride, but it's over. I'll be grazing over at the salad bar from now on. It might not be any better, but at least I have a bit more control over what I end up with on my plate. Who knows, maybe I'll find a frog in the lettuce..

It's a dog eat dog err cat world..

A while back I wrote about the letter I received from my homeowner association requesting that I stop feeding the feral cats in the neighborhood. I finally found out what prompted the letter and subsequent phone call.

One of my neighbors (we call her "The Bitch," not surprisingly) was upset because her dog - an akita - essentially the Hummer of the canine crowd was roaming around the development off-leash and had found/caught a a new friend - one of the local feral cats.

Being the akita's new best friend was not high on the cat's to-do list though. Not surprisingly, the cat was afraid. Very afraid. The dog scared the shit out of the cat. Literally. The dog had the cat pinned down in the foyer and the cat shit. It shit long and hard. It shat on the floor, it shat on the walls. Everywhere but, perhaps, the proverbial kitchen sink..

They finally pulled Fido (not her real name) off her new friend, and the cat fled. Not outside unfortunately, but further into the house, up the stairs into a bedroom, where it clung to a window screen, the closest thing to "outside" it could find.

It clung there, terrified, until they pushed the screen outward. It then leapt to freedom (from a second story window no less). You're thinking "whoa, that's some drop!" But thankfully its fall was broken by, that's right Johnny, their new Saab convertible which had been conveniently parked under the window with its top down, where it continued to shit. This has all the makings of a bad Seinfeld episode.

I know, I should feel sorry for them, they apparently had to have someone come out and bleach the crap out of their walls, but don't they deserve what they got? Yes, of course they do. Their dog should never be out of control. It was a feral cat this time, what's it going to be next time, one of the smaller dogs in the neighborhood? Perhaps a small child?

I do, however, feel sorry for the cat that their dog nearly killed, and for the rest of the cats in the neighborhood who will now have to actually hunt for their food...

U.S. Forces Delivered Justice

That's quite a profound statement, don't you think?

It aired on the news countless times the other day. After hearing it for the 42nd time, I started to wonder what it really meant. "U.S. Forces" is pretty obvious, as is "delivered" (though I've often wondered why "delivered" doesn't mean "to have ones liver removed"). But what about justice?

Mirriam-Webster says this and more about justice:

1 a : the maintenance or administration of what is just especially by the impartial adjustment of conflicting claims or the assignment of merited rewards or punishments b : JUDGE c : the administration of law; especially : the establishment or determination of rights according to the rules of law or equity

Something's not right here - "c" talks about the administration of the law. I seem to remember something about "innocent until proven guilty" from grade school social studies class, I thought so anyway.

But grade school was quite a while ago; times change, people change, and more importantly, rules change - sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but they change nonetheless.

Or maybe there was a footnote tied to that "innocent until proven guilty" line that I didn't grasp as a yen year old - you know, something like "Innocent until proven guilty unless someone important deems that an unnecessary step." I mean, O.J. Simpson was found innocent but still had to pay millions in a civil suit - so maybe things aren't as cut and dried as "innocent until proven guilty" would have one believe.

Don't get me wrong, I'm with you guys - al-Zarqawi was a bad man (cornfield bad) - I watch the same news coverage as everyone else does. But let's be realistic - we didn't deliver justice, we completely circumvented it - no trial, no jury, no nothing, just a press conference. No, we didn't deliver justice, we delivered a pair of big freaking bombs, express mail in fact. It certainly makes me wonder what the phrase "and justice for all" really means..

Unless.. Of course, maybe the bombs were named "Justice".. Yes, that must be it.