Screwed again, naturally

Does it ever end? I've flown back and forth to Europe who knows how many times in the past few years. I have tens of thousands of frequent flyer miles in every conceivable mileage program (One World, Star Alliance, etc). So you would think that if I were to hop on a plane, I'd have a good chance of upgrading from coach to business class, right?

Nope! Sorry, not a chance. There are so many rules and regulations it's nigh impossible to actually use miles to upgrade. Booked your ticket via a discounted Internet site (Travelocity, Orbitz, Expedia)? Sorry, that won't do - odds are you're booked in a class of service that doesn't qualify for upgrades.

Booked it directly through the airline's web site? Maybe you got lucky and got an upgradable ticket - but then everyone else probably did too, and inevitably someone else has tried to upgrade before you - and don't forget - "Platinum" trumps "Gold" - so even if you request your upgrade first, if someone else is a more frequent flyer than you, you lose.

Booked it over the phone? Good for you - I don't blame you. I would much rather have someone who knows what they're doing figure out how I get from point A to point B. But that confidence costs these days - most airlines charge you to speak with a person (it's $15 on United).

I booked a last minute trip online - the ticket cost $2700. That's right, nearly three thousand fucking dollars (no, I'm not rich, I'm going to be paying this off for a long time). For a coach class ticket! I figured "well, at least I'll be able to upgrade."

Right, in my dreams. I'm flying on Lufthansa, but I've got a United record locator number (because United and Lufthansa are buddy-buddy when they want to be). Not knowing which airline to call, I just called United. Good choice as it turns out, their agents weren't too busy, I only sat on hold for a minute or two..

That was the only good thing about the call though. When the agent looked my info up, she explained that because I was flying on Lufthansa and my miles were on United (this is where the "buddy-buddy" thing doesn't apply; nor does the whole "Star Alliance" thing), I would have had to call United 10 days in advance if I want to upgrade my "United stock" ticket (my ticket was an e-ticket, how that becomes "United stock" I know not (but I'm not surprised United stock is in the toilet).

Wait, here's the kicker.. Why do I have to call 10 days in advance (which is not possible as I booked my ticket yesterday and am leaving tomorrow - do the math - that's only 2ish days)? Because they need to print out a mileage award certificate that I then need to bring to the Lufthansa counter when I check in.

WTF? I need to get a piece of paper so that I can upgrade my electronic tickets? That's a bit messed up, no? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised - American Airlines does the same thing, but they've found a way to make a buck at it - if you upgrade with less than 10 days, they just charge you $75 for the pretend certificate.

It's funny how each time I run into one of these situations I'm surprised by it - you would think that I would have learned by now, huh? Maybe someone from United or Lufthansa will read this and say "hey, that guy sounds pissed, maybe there are other people we've pissed off with our stupid rules, maybe we should fix things"

No, you're right, it's not going to happen.