Grammar got run over by a reindeer

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard the panda story, but just in case you missed it:

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

I thought it was funny anyway.

I tend to overanalyze things, so maybe it's just me, but sometimes I see or hear things that get under my skin.

Take the sign they erected recently to welcome visitors to Campbell. It said "Welcome to City of Campbell" - see the problem? The name of the city is "Campbell," not "City of Campbell."

I know what you're thinking, but it's wrong. It should have said either "Welcome to Campbell" or "Welcome to the City of Campbell." As it stands now, it's just plain wrong. The article is mostly insignificant, but still needed.

Or Travelocity. I booked reservations on their site the other day. The page where I reviewed my reservations included a link labeled "Email a friend." Tell me what that means? Has technology progressed to the point where I can email a friend? Are you sure? Don't you mean "email this itinerary to a friend" or can I really actually email a friend somewhere? Does it cost anything? If it's not too much, maybe I can email myself instead of paying for plane tickets?

A Lunesta commercial I heard the other evening had a great line. It was something like this:

You should not operate heavy equipment including automobiles until you know how Lunesta affects you

Seriously? I can't drive my car until I know how Lunesta affects me? How about if I promise to not take Lunesta, can I then drive my car? Or do I really need to go to a doctor to get a prescription to see how it affects me before I can get in my car again? Does that mean I need to take the bus to the doctor's office?

Yeah, I guess I overanalyze things...

Visit to Dumbfukistan

Sometimes I just have the crappiest luck when traveling. Take my last trip for example. I was staying at a Hampton Inn. The hotel itself was for the most part nondescript. It was, however, conveniently placed between an IHOP (breakfast) and a Hooters (Buffalo wings - yummy! and wireless Internet!).

I checked in on Saturday evening. On Sunday, I was in and out all day. I got back for the evening around 10:30PM. I went to my room and tried my magnetic key card - it didn't work (unless making the red LED light up constitutes "working"). I figured that I had either demagnetized it (my personality tends to do that), or the hotel had e-changed the lock for some reason. I went down to the front desk to see what was wrong.

In short, what was wrong was that the hotel was staffed by inept people.

I gave my key to the desk clerk (rhymes with jerk, how convenient) and told him it didn't work. He said "you're not in room 213; I don't see you in the hotel at all." I spelled my name very clearly, several times. Nope, I was not a registered guest.

I gave him my key, asked him to check to see what room it was supposed to be for. He ran it through the reader, which said it was room 213. You're thinking "he must have thought 'how odd'" or something similar. Nope, nothing. No meaningful response at all really. The expression "slightly dumber than a rock" came to mind.

OK, that didn't work. I tried another tact. I asked "what happened to my belongings, they were in the room when I was last there?" He said "the maid reported clothes in there today, but we don't know who's they are nor how they got there." Still no signs of life in his eyes. Apparently it's a regular occurrence - finding belongings in unoccupied rooms.

I asked "if I'm not there now, when did I check out? you didn't slip a bill under the door." He goes on to say "the last person in the room was Steven Baker, but he checked out four days ago." And still, there's no signs of life, no glimmer of comprehension in his eyes. Amazing, simply amazing. The maid cleans a room that in theory has been unoccupied for four days, reports finding clothes in it, but no one is curious as to where the clothes came from.

After much fumbling, typing and looking through records in the back room, he decides the only thing to do is to check me in (hopefully into room 213, as that's where my clothes are?). There's a bit more typing, and suddenly he looks up and exclaims "oh, I see, someone mistakenly said you were in 215!"

Well, now it all makes sense. You're not inept, you're a complete fucking idiot. I spelled my name for you at least five times when we began this ordeal, and at no time did you ever find me in any listing, and yet now, when you are going to check me in AGAIN, you find me misfiled? Tell me how that's possible? No, don't tell me, I don't care.

What are words for

The radio this evening was running yet another story related to the USA Today story on [allegedly] illegal wiretapping done by the government. Good stuff. "No, we didn't do anything illegal" - ok, great. Who gets to decide what "illegal" is? You do right? Yeah, so how about if you tell the rest of us exactly what you did, not whether it was illegal or not, but just tell us what you did. I can't speak for everyone else, but I promise not to judge you.

Apparently no one told Qwest that they were supposed to deny the allegations. They said the NSA approached them but ran off when they asked for a court order or something officialish.

Verizon, on the other hand, must have either a good lawyer or a good linguist on staff, they said:

One of the most glaring and repeated falsehoods in the media reporting is the assertion that, in the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks, Verizon was approached by NSA and entered into an arrangement to provide the NSA with data from its customers' domestic calls.

Mirriam-Webster defines "aftermath" as "the period immediately following" - so you can imagine how if they turned over information recently that the quote above would be accurate - I mean, really, 9/11 was four and a half years ago, "now" is hardly "the aftermath," unless you happen to be a redwood tree. For the rest of us, well, aftermath is over, what about the here and now?

Alternatively, perhaps it's the NSA in particular that Verizon takes objection to? Is it possible that someone else came to Verizon and asked for information? Could be? Maybe? Perhaps "some unnamed possibly government agency requested information.." would have worked? Tell us what you (Verizon) have done (but do so without compromising national security of course); it's ok if you have your fingers crossed while you're telling us..

Sigh.. Can't we all just get along and be honest with eachother for a change? I'll show you mine if you show me yours?

Amusingly enough, a telemarketer ("TM") called earlier this evening. The conversation started off like this:

TM: This call may be monitored
Me: Yes, I know, by the NSA, I was just reading about it online
TM: No, by us, for quality assurance purposes.
Me: Oh. Can't you just get the tapes from the NSA?
TM: Uhm.

Dumpsville, USA

During a stroll around town the other day, my girlfriend and I came across a neighborhood that can only be described as a "backwater Mississippi shantytown." Ok, sure, I've never been to Mississippi, so I really have no right to say anyplace looks like a backwater Mississippi shantytown (I can spell Mississippi - I get a few points for that, right?), but if I were to go there, this neighborhood is exactly what I would have expected to find - rutted dirt alleys, falling down fences, rusted out cars, and uninhabitable houses (which were, amusingly enough, inhabited!).

I suppose it isn't too surprising that there are some run down neighborhoods here and there - they're everywhere really. One of these "less than stellar" houses we saw in our travels was even for sale - for a mere $1.25M. Yes, that's right, one million, two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

I couldn't believe it either, so I e-mailed the realtor asking if it was some sort of mistake ("did you mean $250K? That's more reasonable for an uninhabitable house") - she assured me that the price is really $1.25M - but it's negotiable (I offered $250K, for fun mostly), and, in fact, it's not uninhabitable, it's even inhabited (right, it wasn't a dump, it was just "lived in" - no, actually, it looked "shat upon")

I took an e-ride over to the house using zillow.com. Ok, so tell me how this works again? This house is theoretically worth $629K in today's market, but because it's not been sold nor reassessed in ages (nor kept up), the owner is paying property tax based on a mere $117K. Right, that's just too messed up.

Here're my thoughts: Dumpsville owner - if you think your house is worth $1.25M (which we can assume you do because that's what you've listed it for), then from now on, you'll pay property tax on $1.25M. I know, it's a bit more than the $117K you're currently taxed on, but your place is worth $1.25M, so why not pay based on it. It seems fair to me. The city can sure use the money these days.

Yes, I know, proposition 13 says that this shouldn't happen. But I think for you we can make an exception, ok?

Tail o' the Trail Wench

The sun is finally out here. I'm sure the Winter wasn't any longer than usual, it just seemed like it. Raining nearly every day for four months probably didn't help.

I thought I'd take advantage of the weather and hit the (bike) trail. Nice idea, sadly I wasn't the only one who had the idea. The trail wenches had the same idea and were out in force.

For those not familiar with the concept, there are essentially two types of trail wenches:

Wenchus Officius: aka the "office trail wench." The wenchus officius travel in groups of two's and three's and are typically out at noon and six pm. A wenchus officius is readily recognizable by their business attire, though they frequently wear athletic footware as well.

Wenchus Maternalus: aka the "mommy wench." As is the case with the wenchus officius, the wenchus maternalus also travel in packs of two's and three's. Unlike their counterparts though, the wenchus maternalus bring their offspring, in SUV-like strollers. In addition, their hours are unlimited. One is just as likely to run into a pack of wenchus maternalus in the morning as in the evening. The wenchus maternalus is typically attired in a two piece terrycloth outfit, matching top and bottom, often light pink or light blue.

The thing about trail wenches is, they're selfish. They care about no one but themselves. In that respect, they're like the Hummers of the pedestrian crowd. Sure, the trail is mixed use - pedestrians, rollerbladers, and bicyclists. And ultimately pedestrians do have the right of way, but trail wenches think they own the trails. For some reason, they interpret "Yield to Pedestrians" to mean "Pedestrians own the trail, pass only when we deem it so."

On its own, the attitude isn't a significant problem - anyone with an older sibling has certainly seen it. But when the attitude is combined with their pack-like behavior, it becomes unbearable. The trail wenches become an unmovable/unpassable object, out to exercise at the expense of the enjoyment of others.

Feed me Seymour

The homeowner association where I live slipped a letter under my door the other day. It included this passage:

The stray cat population is booming and an increasing number are finding it quite comfortable here at [Insert Name Here] due to the availability of food. Unfortunately, they are beginning to be a general nuisance, and there is a concern among home owners regarding their increasing numbers, the possible danger to other pets in the community, the noise from fights and mating, as well as a general health hazard due to their fecal matter in the yards. The cats are also becoming aggressive, camping out on porches in 2s and 3s, and approaching opening doors rather than running from them. In addition, leaving food out for stray cats attracts other unwanted visitors such as opossum, skunks, and rats. Therefore, I ask that food not be left outside for the stray cat population.

Yeah, so here's the problem. First, the cats aren't stray, they're feral. There's a difference - it's subtle, but it's significant. Feral cats are wild - born in the wild, live in the wild, etc (hum the "Born Free" theme song if you'd like). Stray cats, on the other hand, are formerly domesticated cats who somehow ended up out in the wild - they got lost, their owners moved, whatever.

Stray cats, because they're previously domesticated are likely to approach a person, maybe walk into a house, etc. A feral cat knows better. A feral cat will run from a person (people are bad, cats inherently know this). I'd like to think that they'd run from just about anything (apart from potential food) that approached them.

The increasing number? That number is six, and it's not increasing. It's been six for quite some time. True, it's not decreasing, but it's not increasing either. Why? The six cats are fixed. They didn't go willingly, but they went none the less (learn about why fixing feral cats is a good thing here).

Aggressively camping out on porches? Yeah, come to think of it, I did see a pair of tabbys on my porch the other day with an REI tent. But it didn't look like they were aggressively camping. They might have been, but I'm not really sure what agressive camping looks like so I can't say for sure.

As they're fixed, it seems unlikely they've got any real desire to mate. And similarly, they don't have a reason to fight. Logic 101: if a cat is fixed, it doesn't go into heat. If it doesn't go into heat, there are no fights between males for the female's "affections" (is that where the term "hot" comes from?).

And, the food attracts other animals? Yeah, it's like a freaking petting zoo - yeah, I'm pretty sure I saw a couple of alpacas ambling through my front yard the other day. Give me a break. The cats eat everything that's put out for them - you put food out, the cats eat it, the food is gone. Nothing left to attract any unwanted animals.

A feral cat doesn't know where its next meal is coming from, so its certainly not going to leave food lying around - nature just doesn't work that way. But let's say some unwanted animal did come around. Let's pretend it's a rat. There are six wild cats. Yeah, that'll be a fair fight..

It's nothing personal, but your letter hasn't really compelled me to stop putting a bit of Purina out for the locals. They were here first after all.