Friday, January 26, 2007

Old dog, new tricks

Well, I'll be. It turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks, sort of anyway.

In a recent press conference, the President said "I'm the decision-maker" - Woohoo! He no longer holds the imaginary position of "decider;" he's not got a real position.

Unfortunately, he continued speaking and went on to say "some are condemning a plan before it's even had a chance to work." Let's think about the statement for a moment..

Would it make sense to condemn the plan after it worked? No, that would be foolish, as it worked, right?

Would it make sense to condemn the plan after it failed? No, probably not, that would be sort of "told you so"ish.

So really, the only thing that makes sense to do is to condemn the plan no, before it's had a chance to succeed or fail, right?

If I'm elected President, I promise not to make up words and to, uhm, speak in complete sentences.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Surge, Shmurge

Ok, maybe I'm something of a consipracy theorist... But as I was driving home this evening, the newscaster on the radio said that a number of leading Republicans were drafting legislation against the President's surge (aka more is always better) initiative.

My first reaction was "wow, cool!" But then I thought about it. Why would these Republicans do that? Then it hit me. They're doing it because by doing so, we will fail in Iraq, but they can then blame the Democrats for not sending in the additional troops that were needed to succeed..

Damn, they're good!

Presidential Exploratory Committee

As many of you have speculated over the past days and weeks, I've decided to form a Presidential Exploratory Committee. Some of you are probably thinking "you have no experience" and you're right, I'm not the most experienced candidate, but experience will only get you so far. But really, what is experience anyway - isn't it just a fancy term for "baggage?" Do you really want a president with excess baggage? I certainly wouldn't.

Many of my opponents have said that they want to "talk to" America, or "have a conversation with" America. I don't. We're all realists here. We all know that I'm not really interested in hearing what you have to say. I'm a politician. I have my objectives; maybe they're the same as yours, maybe they're not, but that's irrelevant. Ultimately I'm the one who will be serving in office; I'm the one who will have a legacy, so we're going to do things my way. I know, it hurts to hear the truth, but better now than later, right?

Thank you for your support.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

New Years Resolutions

It seems like many people in the Bay Area have a new years resolution to drive like idiots. I ran into at least three on the freeway in the past few days.

First, there was the blue minivan, with a handicap license plate no less. He/she was driving along on my left side as I approached an exit ramp, then, of course, he sped up and cut in front of me. I suppose the thing that bothers me most is that there was only about 20 feet between my car and the one in front of me. Yeah, he was handicapped - but in this case, I think his handicap was "inability to judge distances"..

And there was the crazy man in the blue and white Mini (license plate "USA COOP"). He came up behind me, but I wasn't going fast enough for his tastes, so he waved frantically at me to go faster. Sheesh fella, keep it in your pants. There are several other lanes to choose from, drive in one of them. And, seriously - do you really think you should be driving that fast with neither hand on the steering wheel? Seems like you're just asking for trouble if you ask me..

And, let's not forget the woman in the silver Audi TT (pronounced "tuh tuh"). She was quite a character - drive past someone, a quick blink of the signal light and blam, cut right in and then wave apologetically. Ok, she signaled and she waved apologetically, so she gets partial credit. But she did it repeatedly - perhaps she was suffering not only from "inability to judge distances" as contestant number one was, but also "no short term memory" and "failure to learn from mistake"?

Yup, 2007 is going to be a great year..

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The New Deal

The moment is nearly upon us - when President Bush goes before the nation to announce the new iPhone his plan for succeeding in Iraq. Rumor has it, he will be asking for 20,000 more troops and $1 billion. The troops I can maybe understand (though if we didn't win a year ago when we had 160K soldiers in situ, it's not clear how having 152K will help). But I'm not a military strategist, so who knows, maybe it'll work.

The money though, hmm, I'm a bit confused about that. From what I've read, it's earmarked for programs to employ Iraqis - building schools, painting buildings (the same ones we bombed the shit out of?), etc. Does that sound familiar to anyone? It should, 'cept for the bombed the shit out of part anyway. That's what FDR did back in the 30s - it was called the "New Deal." It worked then - so maybe it'll work again?

Nah, probably not, but we can be hopeful, right?

I can't help but wonder why no one else has suggested time travel! Let's just let Iraq do whatever Iraq wants to do for now - bombings, beheadings, whatever. And in the mean time, we'll invest some serious bucks to build a time machine, then travel back in time - before we invaded Iraq, before Sept 11, before all of this happened. Maybe we can even go back to a time before the elections of 2000 and fix the Florida voters voting machines?

It's worked for Dr. Who time and again, why shouldn't it work for us!