Lies, lies, lies, yeah!

Yet another letter from the homeowner association showed up the other day about feeding the feral cats in the neighborhood - this one was much more official than the previous letters:

The CC&Rs, as well as the Rules and Regulations of [Your Name Here] mandate that certain standards be maintained in order to ensure that there is consistency throughout the community. This in turn results in higher property values for everyone! During a recent walk-through inspection of the complex the following item was noted:

1. You continue to feed the feral cats in the neighborhood. The Board of Directors has requested in the past that you stop feeding them for numerous good reasons: They attract more feral cats; they've caused problems with several of the homeowners, etc. The Board of Directors once again respectfully requests that you cease and desist from feeding the feral cats in or near the [Your Name Here] HOA. If you continue to feed the feral cats, you will be directed to attend a 'hearing' before the Board of Directors.

After a bit of effort, I was able to move past the ordered list containing but a single item which messed with my sense of order and focus on the content of the letter itself.

What a bunch of crap. Are feral cats bring down the property values here? More than the meth lab/crack den with the television in the front yard across the street? Are you sure? The dump down the road sold for one million dollars; I'll need a bit more proof before I believe the cats are affecting property values here.

And this crap about "attracting more feral cats and causing problems with several homeowners, etc." First off, two items and an "etc" doesn't constitute "numerous" in my book. Miriam-Webster says "numerous" means "consisting of great numbers of units or individuals;" you've cited two ("etc" is unsubstantiated and therefore doesn't count as far as I'm concerned). Are there other good reasons? Or "so-so" reasons?

And the "attracting more feral cats" allegation - there were six last year, there are six now (though typically only one or two come to our place for food). Six is not greater than six; in fact, six is equal to six (it's math - here's a chart showing "equals" in action). Furthermore, all six are fixed (that almost rhymes) - that means that these six feral cats will not be having kittens.

About this walk-through inspection - when did it take place? Did someone see me putting food out for the cats? Or did you just assume that since there was a food bowl and a water bowl in my front yard that I'm still feeding the cats? Tsk, tsk. Assumptions are bad - Felix Unger demonstrates why in this Odd Couple episode.

Lastly, what's this "near the [HOA]" crap? I'm not a lawyer, but I'm reasonably certain you really have no say whatsoever what I do outside the borders of the HOA. Do you now speak for the city and the neighbors? I thought not..

I wrote up a letter to send in response. The first draft looked something like this:

Dear HOA:

Go f*ck yourself.

The next draft was a bit more constructive, though still pretty confrontational.

The final draft, penned by my girlfriend was totally non-confrontational, but still got the point across ("you're full of shit, the cats aren't causing problems, aren't there more important problems in the world to worry about?")

I can't wait for the hearing - maybe Tom Cruise and Demi Moore can represent me? Or maybe Matthew McConaughey?