Resistance is Futile

Try though I may, the homeowner association board just will not leave me alone. They insist on finding new ways of demonstrating that my feeding of the feral cats in the neighborhood is causing strife around the world. Case in point, the most recent letter they've sent:

On behalf of the board I am sending this notice to advise all homeowners that leaving any food or water bowls in your yards is a violation of the CC&Rs under the nuisance by-law, and homeowners will be and are being cited. This includes food and water intended for your own pets and other animals. In addition to the attended [sic] recipients, the leaving of food and water attracts unwanted and dangerous animals such as skunks and raccoons.

The city has recently put up warning notices along the trail advising people to not feed stray animals because of raccoons and skunks being attracted. In the past month a skunk has been found in our drain system, I personally have seen a raccoon climbing a fence heading towards our property and in the recent week one neighbor had a “stand-off” with a raccoon while out for a walk.

Please be aware that raccoons are dangerous and aggressive. If you do cross paths with one, do not attempt to scare it off. They have been known to attack, rather than run away. Here is a link to an article posted in today’s news of an extreme case of raccoons in Washington state. We are not having these kinds of conditions, but raccoons are dangerous never the less. [news story]

I had to laugh when I read the news story. Raccoons ganging up and terrorizing the neighborhood? Seems to me that rather than calling the Fish and Wildlife Service (who did not respond my request for additional details), the Department of Homeland Security should have been called? They'd probably be interested in the cat problem here as well, as feral cats are like considered to be WMDs - weapons of mouse destruction.

You're right though, raccoons and skunks are dangerous. But not always. I remember a story a while back about a raccoon that had teamed up with a moose (they went by the names "Rocky and Bullwinkle") who fought for the side of good during the Cold War. Week after week, battling it out with a pair of spies from Pottsylvania. You have to admire their determination.

I agree though - skunks are very dangerous. I saw one on TV that was sexually harassing a cat. Sexual harassment is bad enough, but cross-species sexual harassment is completely wrong.

But seriously though, how did the skunk end up in your drain?

Lies, lies, lies, yeah!

Yet another letter from the homeowner association showed up the other day about feeding the feral cats in the neighborhood - this one was much more official than the previous letters:

The CC&Rs, as well as the Rules and Regulations of [Your Name Here] mandate that certain standards be maintained in order to ensure that there is consistency throughout the community. This in turn results in higher property values for everyone! During a recent walk-through inspection of the complex the following item was noted:

1. You continue to feed the feral cats in the neighborhood. The Board of Directors has requested in the past that you stop feeding them for numerous good reasons: They attract more feral cats; they've caused problems with several of the homeowners, etc. The Board of Directors once again respectfully requests that you cease and desist from feeding the feral cats in or near the [Your Name Here] HOA. If you continue to feed the feral cats, you will be directed to attend a 'hearing' before the Board of Directors.

After a bit of effort, I was able to move past the ordered list containing but a single item which messed with my sense of order and focus on the content of the letter itself.

What a bunch of crap. Are feral cats bring down the property values here? More than the meth lab/crack den with the television in the front yard across the street? Are you sure? The dump down the road sold for one million dollars; I'll need a bit more proof before I believe the cats are affecting property values here.

And this crap about "attracting more feral cats and causing problems with several homeowners, etc." First off, two items and an "etc" doesn't constitute "numerous" in my book. Miriam-Webster says "numerous" means "consisting of great numbers of units or individuals;" you've cited two ("etc" is unsubstantiated and therefore doesn't count as far as I'm concerned). Are there other good reasons? Or "so-so" reasons?

And the "attracting more feral cats" allegation - there were six last year, there are six now (though typically only one or two come to our place for food). Six is not greater than six; in fact, six is equal to six (it's math - here's a chart showing "equals" in action). Furthermore, all six are fixed (that almost rhymes) - that means that these six feral cats will not be having kittens.

About this walk-through inspection - when did it take place? Did someone see me putting food out for the cats? Or did you just assume that since there was a food bowl and a water bowl in my front yard that I'm still feeding the cats? Tsk, tsk. Assumptions are bad - Felix Unger demonstrates why in this Odd Couple episode.

Lastly, what's this "near the [HOA]" crap? I'm not a lawyer, but I'm reasonably certain you really have no say whatsoever what I do outside the borders of the HOA. Do you now speak for the city and the neighbors? I thought not..

I wrote up a letter to send in response. The first draft looked something like this:

Dear HOA:

Go f*ck yourself.

The next draft was a bit more constructive, though still pretty confrontational.

The final draft, penned by my girlfriend was totally non-confrontational, but still got the point across ("you're full of shit, the cats aren't causing problems, aren't there more important problems in the world to worry about?")

I can't wait for the hearing - maybe Tom Cruise and Demi Moore can represent me? Or maybe Matthew McConaughey?