Crappy Diem

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes

2012-01-09T06:01:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago, I picked up a pair of Patagonia Loulu shoes at REI. I liked them so much, I bought another pair from REI and then a third pair from Zappos.

And then, after only a few months, I noticed that the heels were wearing out. Rather than fork over another $130 or so for a new pair, I went over to the Patagonia site to see whether I could get new soles for them. Yes, it turns out, I can, but..

I found a question/answer on the product page which said that the ONLY option I had was to send my shoes in to Mountain Soles in Oregon to be resoled. And for $80. Plus shipping ($10 or so each way). So that comes out to $100 or so to resole the shoes. And let's not forget the environmental impact - going this route means packing up my shoes and shipping them off to Oregon. And having them shipped back.

I thought I had missed something - Patagonia cares about the environment - the say so all over their web site. So I did what I do best - I contacted their customer service people.

First I tried via e-chat. The person on the other end of the chat said that Patagonia didn't sell soles directly (it was company policy), but that I could contact Mountain Soles to see if they did. Amusingly enough, the Mountain Soles site says:

Q: Is it possible to purchase just the soles so that I can resole my own shoes or have a local shoe repair shop resole them for me?

A: Unfortunately, our agreement with Patagonia Footwear does not allow us to sell soles to consumers.

Great - Patagonia says ask Mountain Soles, Mountain Soles said Patagonia said they can't do it. Awesome..

The e-chat didn't go much further, but the agent did promise to check on why they had this policy (the policy about not selling the soles, and not allowing Mountain Soles to sell the Soles, that is). And surprisingly enough, someone contacted me later that day. Unfortunately, they didn't have anything useful to add - it went something like this:

Blah blah blah we think mountain soles do great work and want to support their business.. blah blah blah We don't offer outsoles for sale, because repairs done by individual will inevitably have a large variance in quality and we cannot be liable for poor jobs at replacement blah blah blah

So I get it. You think I'm an idiot and would somehow blame you and demand my money back if you sold me soles and I took my shoes to the local cobbler (because I want to support his business) and he did a crappy job. And instead, you think it's somehow environmentally friendly to send my shoes off in a truck to Oregon and back.

Your loss really. I'm certainly not paying $100 to get my shoes repaired only to have them wear out in three months. And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to just got and spend another $130 or $140 on another pair, only to have them wear out in a few months.

So how about this. You go to your room and think about your policy and why it's wrong, and when you figure it out, send me an email and I'll think about buying another pair of your shoes. Deal? And in the mean time, I'll go see what Toms Shoes has going on. Blake Mycoskie has a better grasp on things.

Mr. Moris Ezebo

2011-07-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

From: "Mr. Moris Ezebo"
To:
Date: 07/14/2011 07:01 AM
Subject: Business Relationship / investment

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
Minting & Printing
Garik-Abuja.
Our ref: Cbn/Ohg/Oxd1/11
Your ref: ..................
Telex: Cenbank.
Payment file: Cbn/Ben/11.
Email: emaiiofficx10@virgilio.it

RE-
FUNDS NOTIFICATION
Attn: Beneficiary

I, Mr. Moris Ezebo The Minting & Printing manager in conjunction with Central Bank of Nigeria, I have decided to bring to your attention, that I personal have over-invoice of US$10Million from the total payment fund of US$100Million printed for the contractors owing by the Federal Government of Nigeria the over invoice amount
sum of US$10Million which I want you to claim it in your possession as a foreigner for our both personal investment due to a Nigerian beneficiary can not be allowed to have this over-invoiced because the contract was been executed by a foreigner . This beneficiaries in the recent schedule for payment of outstanding debts incurred by
the Federal Government Of Nigeria in the past and present year.

According to the payment files, the payment is categorized as contract type: inheritance/unpaid contract funds Payment file: Cbn/id1033/11. Payment amount: $10MILLION, I want you to stand for the assistance and collection of this over-invoice fund for investment purpose in overseas and we will share the funds 50% for you and the remaining 50% for me, and I will solicit an assistance for overseas
business where I will invest my own share as soon as I come over to meet with you when you have received it in your possession.

Therefore, i am writing this email to find out from you, if you will be partnership with me on this claim of these funds, Due to the importance of such payment, mistakes should be avoided. Also i need to urgently hear from you with the following information:

Your full name:
Your contact address:
Your direct telephone number(s):
Occupation:
Your Identification such as your driver's license, or International Passport

Yours Sincerely

Mr. Moris Ezebo
For The Management
Minting and Printing Department,
Central bank of Nigeria
Email: emaiiofficx10@virgilio.it

Mr. Amin Amal

2011-07-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Beloved One.

I know that this message may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met each other.I have to say that i have no intentions of causing you any pains so I decided to contact you through this medium,as the spirit of God told me to open this matter up to you for you to carry on this project as I will direct you. Please as you are reading this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Mr. Amin Amal, a 57 years old merchant in Malaysia. suffering from Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for any one not even myself but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe that if I have a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that I know my time is near, I have willed my wealth to various charity in the Malaysia and abroad. I decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the Malaysia, England and Ireland . Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself any more.

I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I am receiving palliative care waiting for my time to come. If you are interested to help me I will give you more information about this like the amount that I deposited in the bank and Contact of the bank so you can contact them.

Note that you will take 20% out of the funds and give 80% to the charity organizations. I pray so that you will support and assist me with good heart.

Remain blessed if you can help please respond back to me as soon as possible since i dont want to lose the money under the Bank.

Regards,
Mr. Amin Amal

Business Proposal from Hiroshi Kobayashi

2011-06-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

From Hiroshi Kobayashi

Name Japan Red Cross Medical Center (Sekijuji Iryo Center)

4-1-22 Hiroo, Shibuya-ku 150-0012.

Re: Business Proposal from Hiroshi Kobayashi

Sir,

Thank you for your time to read my mail. My name is Mr. Hiroshi Kobayashi a businessman in the real estate industry from Japan. I bring to you, an interesting and a lucrative risk-free business offer that will be un-regrettably rewarding, hoping that you will take your time to appreciate the content of this message without prejudice having received it online.

As you may know, the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster accompanied by 9.0 magnitude Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami on 11 March 2011 was rated the highest form of natural disaster in human history. This catastrophic environmental disaster has grossly affected the socio-economic lives of the residents in the area and of Japan in general, lowering investor confidence and grossly impairing economic activities in the region.

My businesses and estates were devastated during the crisis and the government of Japan in collaboration with the owners of Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant has finally agreed to redeem their promises of compensating all victims of the disaster.

My family of (7), My wife, my 5 children and me are one of the beneficiaries of the 124 Billion dollars nuclear disaster compensation funds and we will be entitled to the sum of 22-Million -$-(USD).

We are all currently hospitalized due to serious infections from radioactive materials in the disaster area. Our family has been approved for a payment of a total sum of 22-Million -$-(USD) in compensation for loses and collateral damages including health predicaments as a result of the nuclear crisis. Due to the situation in the country and the uncertainty that looms ahead, I have agreed with my family to secure the funds in an offshore account belonging to me (Details to be provided upon your response).

We need an individual who can receive the funds in home country; independently identify a profitable investment portfolio and subsequently invest and manage same funds in same portfolio in home country.

Please let me know if you have the capability of receiving and managing the sum of 22-Million -$-(USD) in your country. If you do, then request comprehensive details of the business proposal, official agreement, identity documents, photos and proof of funds. Decisions was reached for compensation and payment of compensation-funds is on the 22nd of June 2011 and we have received our payment on the 22nd of June as scheduled.

In response to this mail, please kindly provide me a brief profile of yourself including your CV and contact details. (Phone numbers and mobile) to enable me access your credibility to handle this transaction. We offer you 25% remuneration of the total funds for your assistance in receiving and facilitating investment and management of the funds in our family name.

Please kindly send your detailed response and profile to my financial consultant strictly at the email address: marystanford2001@bk.ru Attn: Mrs. Mary Stanford, Stanford Associates. Tel: +27-73-9668149 (You can also call the consultancy firm)

Upon your response, he shall provide you with a comprehensive information about this offer including all relevant details, identities, agreements, and photos, among others.

Please do not send response to me and do not reply this message to me but rather forward your response direct to him at: marystanford2001@bk.ru

In your response , please do kindly include your comprehensive contact details. Mobile phone number most importantly.

Thank you,

Hiroshi Kobayashia

For information regarding the situation please visit:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fukushima_Daiichi_nuclear_disaster

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2011_T%C5%8Dhoku_earthquake_and_tsunami

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jun/14/japan-approves-fukushima-nuclear-compensation

http://www.theage.com.au/world/japan-names-first-two-nuclear-plant-victims-20110404-1cyln.html

Sears - the new overachievers?

2011-06-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

Wow, was I wrong. The guy from Sears showed up at 10am, right in the middle of the scheduled window (tip: always get the first appointment in the morning, so there are "the technician is running behind because of problems at the appointment(s) before you" issues). He spent about 10 minutes diagnosing the problem (equal to the amount of time Google and I spent on it) and determined it was the compressor.

He then headed out to his truck, with me in tow to get the replacement part and the tools needed to replace it. Getting a peek inside the truck shed some light on things - like why it always took them 30 minutes to come back in and say "sorry, don't have it, need to order it" - the truck is a mess! Parts are all over the place. Two hours later, he was done, the refrigerator was fixed, and he was off to make someone else's weekend!

Awesome, thanks Sears. I can't say my faith has been completely renewed, but we're making progress.

It's all about expectations

2011-06-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's the big day. Our refrigerator/freezer died last week and Sears is "coming to fix it." I can't blame the refrigerator, it was already nearly 7 years old. For real - it's not even 7 years old. From the start we had issues. First it was the ice maker, then the door, then who knows what.

The other day it started making a strange noise - in hindsight, it sounded like an electric motor that was trying to start but binding somehow. That sound was followed by a clicking sound and then silence. I called Sears and the CSR said "maybe it's the ice maker, can you check that".. Sure bud, when I get home tonight I'll check the ice maker.

It wasn't the ice maker - that was turned off. Another call to Sears, some more "maybe it's this, maybe it's that." Please, just send someone out. I have a super duper Master Protection Plan (when you read that outloud, you're supposed to use a big, booming voice - like Obewan would have said - "trust the Master Protection Plan Luke") and all.

Which brings us to today. I'm not the world's biggest Sears fan. I'm sure I can blame this on my parents - when we were growing up, Sears was the place to be. They had everything you could ever want (still do), and it lasted forever. These days, their appliances suck, with the exception of the Kenmore vacuum I bought there, which didn't suck even though it was supposed to and has since been replaced by a Miele which sucks spectacularly. And their customer service totally sucks, which is somehow ironic, given the lack of quality in their merchandise.

Right.. Tomorrow morning the guy from Sears is supposed to come to look at the refrigerator. I've been having nightmares about how this is going to go, playing out roughly the same scenario over and over (I've possibly mistakenly assumed the guy will show up):

8:00AM Sears man shows up
8:05AM Sears man looks at the refrigerator and says "I don't see anything wrong,"

I'm prepared for this - I recorded it (with my new[for me] iPhone 3GS) making it's stupid noise and not starting the compressor. I learned when the asshole washer repairman left without doing anything useful. Jerk.

8:08AM Sears man says "oh, looks like the compressor's shot. Let me check my truck to see if I have one.

I've been this route too. He goes out to his truck, smokes a cigarette or two, updates his facebook status, etc. Comes back in 30 minutes later.

8:38AM Sears man comes back in and says "nope, don't have the part, I'll order it, it'll get here in a couple of weeks. When it does, call and we can make another appointment to come and install it."

At this point, I'm kind of screwed.. I can call Sears and complain, tell them I have a Master Protection Agreement, etc. But as far as I can remember, they don't give a crap what I have.

AT&Tease me..

2010-01-20T23:57:00.000-08:00

After a recent trip to Austria where I couldn't use the smart part of my iPhone - not without paying a crapload of money to AT&T - $20/MB for roaming data, vs $30 for 1GB with a prepaid SIM, I decided it was time to get my phone unlocked. I thought that since I'd had it for 18 months and paid AT&T roughly $1500 ($250 for the phone and another $70/month for the minimum plan), so they would be willing to unlock it for me. This was the case with other phones I had had. But I thought wrong. Very wrong.

My first call to AT&T went exactly as I expected. I called and got Monique (her real name). I explained that I wanted to get the phone unlocked so I could use a prepaid SIM. She understood the problem, and when she realized I had an iPhone, directed me to Apple. I was certain she was wrong, but agreed to call Apple anyway. Monique thoughtfully gave me their number.

The Apple support person thankfully didn't laugh at me. Together we laughed at Monique, and the Apple lady explained to me that Apple has a contract with AT&T (hey, me too!) and they cannot legally unlock my phone. Worse, if I get it unlocked, they will not support me (as if telling me "nope, we can't do that" is some sort of 'support'). Blah blah blah...

Back I went to AT&T. Thankfully, the next person I got at AT&T was more competent - Apple cannot unlock my iPhone. But she went on to say that Apple makes the iPhone ONLY for AT&T and they can't be unlocked, ever.

I pointed out that numerous other cell providers around the world sell iPhones that aren't locked to AT&T, but she assured me that AT&T is the only one who can sell iPhones. I pointed out that there are numerous web sites detailing how to unlock an iPhone illegally, but she maintained that the phone could not be unlocked, ever. Deaf ears. At this point, I have to wonder if tech support training includes some sort of "defy logic" lessons.

Eventually I gave up, and just emailed AT&T support to express my dissatisfaction with their policy. I received a near-immediate response - thank you for your service, we value you as a customer, but we're not going to unlock your phone for you, blah blah blah. But wait, it got better. The support rep actually suggested that if I have a different phone, they would work with me to unlock that. Did I miss something? How does unlocking a different phone help me get data when roaming on my iPhone.. Right, it doesn't.

And that, my friends, is why my next smart phone will probably not be an iPhone from AT&T. I don't travel outside the country all that often, but when I do, I would really like to use my phone. If I want to "need" a second phone for travleing, why would I bother with a GSM phone to begin with...

Amusingly enough, I just read on The Unofficial Apple Weblog (it's so cute that they still go by "weblog") that an unlocked iPhone is available from Apple for $699 (sort of).

US Customs and Border Patrol Revisited

2010-01-09T06:13:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official - the customs/border patrol people at Seattle Airport suck. Or they're completely inept, though the two aren't mutually exclusive. Allow me to elaborate.

Last summer, Ethel and I were in Europe for vacation. When we came home, Seattle was our port of entry, so we had to go through immigration there. Ethel is a green card holder, I'm a US citizen. In the past, we would just get in the citizen/resident alien line. Seattle's staff told us that we couldn't do that - we had to stand in the visitors line - new policy, yada yada yada. We did, it took forever, etc. The whole sordid affair is described here.

The other day, we came back into the country through San Francisco. Surprise, they had competent, friendly people. They had a swift-moving citizens/residents line that we went through (take that Seattle assholes), and an "everyone else" line.

So, SeaTac people, what's the deal? Have there been more policy changes, or are you just a bunch of assholes who get off making the lives of others unnecessarily difficult? Or maybe you're just incompetent?

iPhone OS 3.0 Revisited

2009-08-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

I've been running the OS 3.0x on my iPhone for just over two months now (I upgraded near the end of June), and I'm sorry to say that I am very disappointed with it. Sure, it has some improvements -- cut and paste is great when it works, but there are many times that it doesn't work.

By far, the biggest problem I've had with it is performance. It just sucks. I regularly find myself several WORDS ahead of the keyboard when typing, I can't say for sure, but I think typing is actually slower than the initial release when the iPhone 3G was released. Maybe it's me? Do I type too fast Apple?

I've also run into countless network-related problems. I regularly start up TwitterFon and hit the refresh and am told that there is no network connection. Sure, maybe it's a TwitterFon issue? But I get exactly the same thing with Safari - it'll open up, start refreshing the current page, then pop up a "no network connection" message, and then actually refresh the page behind the popup window.

Beyond performance, I've lost count of the number of times I've had to actually turn the phone off and then on again in order to get any sort of network connection. It's almost like I'm running Windows Millenium Edition. Sometimes the phone will say there is no service and and after restarting will have a decent 3G signal. Other times it will have a strong 3G signal and will just not connect to anything (Safari fails, Facebook, TwitterFon, etc).

Did I mention - I still can't send or receive an MMS message?

I have to wonder. Apple - is this intentional? Did you intentionally make the new OS slower so I'd run out and buy a new phone? Maybe you should have talked to AT&T about that (come on, we know you talk to them about everything). I might have upgraded phones if tey didn't make it so freaking expensive. And who knows, maybe next year when my contract was up, I might have thought about upgrading to the iPhone 3GS++. But lately, all I think is "man, is this what life is going to be like, Apple ships an update, I install it, and life sucks" (remember the last two Mac OS X updates trashed my previously stable machine). Do I really want to invest any more in you?

Microsoft Bing Commercials

2009-06-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Microsoft,

Your "bing" commercials suck. They're incredibly annoying. Second only to the Bill Gates/Jerry Seinfeld commercials you had not too long ago (nothing personal Bill/Jerry).

Don't get me wrong, I understand what your message is, that your search results aren't littered with useless pieces of information like the results from some other engines might be. But rather than taking this negative approach and criticizing others, why not be positive and highlight your bing's results, which are clear and concise, free from all of the meaningless bits.

To this effect, I've written a small skit for you. Feel free to use it or not. If you do use it, I only ask for a free Windows 7 upgrade (Professional, please), and maybe you could feature me in one of your $1000 computer commercials?

Ok, here goes..

A couple is walking down the street. Suddenly the man breaks out in song (American Pie, by Don McLean)...

Him: I drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was try and good old boys were drinkin' whisky and rye... Hey, what's rye? Not bread, right?
Her: Uhm, I don't know. It's a grain, alcohols are made with grain.

At that moment, they walk past a bus stop. A stranger, possibly John Ratzenberger (aka Cliff Clavin from Cheers), waiting for the bus overhears their conversation and interjects:

Stranger: It's a whiskey, the American version is made from a mash of at least 51% rye.
Him: Wow, thanks stranger.

And so on..

You've got to admit, it's far more positive than the rubbish you're running right now. Let me know what you think.

iPhone 3.0 observations

2009-06-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

I installed the latest iPhone OS (3.0) on my iPhone 3G the other day. Yeah, yeah, why do I even bother with such an old phone, why not upgrade.. I'm cheap, that's why :) Sure, I'd like to have all of the cool new features that the "3G S" includes, but I can't see paying $500-$600 for them, so for the time being, I'll live without the ability to record videos and a compass.

But I digress, this is about the OS, not the phone. Like I said, I upgraded to 3.0 the other day. The upgrade went well for the most part. There was an issue with iTunes and the phone talking after the installation/reboots, but those were related to iTunes on Vista I think.

Way back when the first announcements were made, I thought I would see these features:

Cut/Copy/Paste
MMS
Stereo Bluetooth (aka A2DP)
Ability to send multiple pictures in a single email

But, of course, AT&T said no to MMS (sure, they didn't say "no", they said "it'll take us time." - might as well have said "no").

I "found" cut/copy/paste accidentally. It wasn't quite as nice as I would have liked - but in truth, I'm not sure what I'd like - ideally, I could make some sort of swiping gesture to select text and then the next tap would make the little popup guy appear. Maybe it works like that and I'm doing something wrong, but mostly it works.

Stereo Bluetooth I've not seen though. Perhaps because I don't own a pair of stereo bluetooth headphones - that's a combination of "what's the point?" and "I'm cheap" and "oh, is it supported now?" - but I saw nothing in the Bluetooth configuration that looked any different than it did before. Maybe I'll pick something up at Frys just to test this.

This leaves emailing multiple pictures at one time. It took me a while to figure out how this worked. I usually select a picture and then while looking at it, click the "email" application. With 3.0, tapping on the "email" button while looking at the Camera Roll lets me select any number of pictures that I can then "share" (which means email). Pretty cool, but as with earlier versions, a scaled down (800x600) picture gets sent rather than the native resolution (1600x1200).

But here's something cool I noticed - if you select a bunch of pictures using the email button from the camera roll and then "Copy" them, you can open up the email application and paste them into the body of a new email and magically, they get sent in the native resolution, and even have "real" filenames (if you consider "IMG_0102.JPG" and such a real name anyway).

US Customs and Border Patrol

2009-06-30T05:56:00.001-07:00

Ethel and I went to Austria this summer for vacation (the one in Europe, not the one in the southern hemisphere). Surprisingly enough we were able to book our flights using her frequent flier miles - it only took about three hours total of phone time, and a bunch of very helpful airline (Lufthansa and United) employees - more on them another time.

Everything about the trip was great. We saw friends, family, ate good food, drank great beer, etc. It didn't even matter that it rained 10 days out of 10 days. The only "problem" with the whole trip happened when we landed in Seattle and tried to go through immigration.

Holy Crap! Never before have I seen so much incompetence packed so tightly in a small place.

Ethel's a green card holder, and I'm a good old boy, citizen of the U.S. of A. I'm so 'merican, I might as well be from Alabama (but thankfully I'm not). There were six or so different lines in the immigration area - one labeled "US Citizens," and the other five labeled "Visitors."

Ethel's not a citizen, nor is she a visitor, she's a resident alien. In San Francisco, we always get in the "US Citizens and Resident Aliens" line, so we did the same thing in Seattle, assuming they were trying to save money on printing ("it's $0.75 per letter Jan"). The line moved quickly - after 10 minutes, we were near the start - woohoo..

Then one of the immigration officers said something about this line being ONLY for US Citizens, not resident aliens, etc. And then we noticed small 8.5x11 sheets of paper taped to the immigration booths saying the same thing - professional looking - right down to the yellow highlighing scribbled on parts to draw attention to it. Pity these signs were not at the END of the line where we would have seen them before waiting..

So we moved over to line 5.. Sadly, we were at the end of the line. And there we sat, at the end of the line. Literally only about two people were ever behind us in the line ever again. We were in that line for over an hour.

Why was it so slow? Simple.. Stupidity. The US Citizen line went quickly because processing everyone was simple - look at the passport, stamp it, look at the customs declaration, scribble on it, off you go. The "Visitors" line, on the other hand was littered with people with all sorts of issues. There were the people who had been outside the country for more than a year (a no-no if you are a resident alien), there was the gaggle of Korean teenage girls, processed individually, 10 minutes per child, all claiming to be here to work for the summer on an internship at restaurants (yeah, I'm thinking "prostitution" too).

And so on.. What the hell were they thinking..

Of course, when we were finally at the front of the line, we asked - what were you thinking (toned down from "what the f*ck are you thinking, are you people idiots?").. And "Helen" explained - non-US Citizens need to have their pictures taken and get fingerprinted, so they can't go in the other line, this includes resident aliens - a new procedure, starting in 2009.

Ethel said "but I flew into San Francisco in March, they allowed resident aliens in the US Citizens line." Helen ignored her. A good approach when faced with facts - ignore them. Maybe Helen was a Creationist at heart?

We pointed out to Helen that her colleagues were now, in fact, doing exactly that - processing "foreigners" in the line that had previously been used to process US Citizens (that line had emptied of US Citizens 45 minutes earlier). She seemed to not follow this, nor to see the cameras and fingerprint machines in those lines. Facts don't work, logic doesn't work. Thanks for playing along Helen, there are some nice parting gifts for you backstage.

I had a few minutes the other day and decided to go off in search of this "policy" that Helen mentioned. I found tidbits about the fingerprinting and pictures, but that was it, nothing that spelled out that resident aliens couldn't be processed alongside US Citizens.

But I did find the most amazing news release - apparently from less than a week ago, describing a "Model Port" initiative to make our ports of entry more friendly to visitors, to improve signage, to be more professional, to speed people through, etc. Amazing. Right there, at the bottom of the news story - Seattle is a model port. Excellent. I particularly like that the 8.5x11 inch pieces of paper are considered "improved signage" - I wonder what they had earlier..

The other thing I found on the border patrol web site was a "wait time" application. Simply select the airport code, a date, (ignoring javascript messages along the way) and magically you see the wait times. For grins, I put in the date we were there - June 27, 2009. The site said the maximum wait time was under 30 minutes - I guess they divided the hour that we had waited by two (because there are two of us?) to come up with that?

Cisco regraded

2009-05-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

My replacement Linksys SD2008 switch arrived the other day - I think it was just over a week from when I called til I got the replacement - most of the delay was because I didn't have time to go to the post office.

Sadly, when I hooked the switch up, I found that three of the eight ports in it were bad (as in didn't work). This is a replacement part too. Nice.. It was clearly labeled as having been quality assured. I wonder what that means - did someone actually test all 8 ports? Or maybe they tested the LEDs? Either way, the new (refurbished, I think) switch was toast.

I called Cisco/Linksys "business" support and explained the whole thing - old switch died, we swapped, new switch has three bad ports, maybe we could call it an SD2005 ("5 port" rather than "8 port"), etc.. The guy on the phone opened a new RMA and said "don't worry, we'll pay for shipping for the defective one this time." Cool, nice of you guys. It was your crap product that died (twice now), but it's a nice gesture anyway.

Alas, the replacement is backordered. I have to wonder about that, which I did, aloud, while on the phone with support - "backordered? really? Is that because you realized they're all bad and you've decided to actually look to see what's causing them to die? Or maybe so many have died your stock of 'we think these might work' spares is gone?"

So that B+ you got when I first posted about this - I'm knocking you down one grade because you sent me a replacement that didn't work (feel free to blame FedEx, but you packaged it up for shipping, so it's on you either way); and then you're losing another half grade because it's been over a week since I called about the replacement being defective and you've still not sent me a new replacement (I should consider this a good sign, perhaps it means you're actually testing them before sending them.

Final grade, C-, sorry. You could have been a contender, but you dropped the ball this time.

Customer Service Scorecard

2009-04-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

I've made a bunch of customer service calls in the recent past and thought it would be good to report on them. I had read in a tweet not too long ago from @comcastcares that he thought our current economic troubles would result in improved customer service (I'm paraphrasing), and wondered how my experiences measured up.

HP - I called them because the computer I got from them was cheaper at a local store. It took three people (two calls and one chat), but I got someone who was helpful and offered me $100 credit (close enough to the $130 price difference to call it a wash). A- (it did take three attempts after all, though the final guy I talk to gets an A+ of his own)

American Express - This is a bit embarassing. I inadvertently paid the wrong Amex bill (yeah, I have two cards). One phone call was all it took - the guy who answered the phone understood what had happened and happily moved the money from one account to the other, and assured me there won't be any finance charges. A+

Cisco Small Business Support - Yes, I'm a small business. Or, rather, I buy the same networking hardware that a small business owner would buy. In this case, I had a Linksys SD2008 Gigabit switch that died (computers connected at 10Mb/s rather than 1Gb/s). I called the small business support number, and in less than 5 minutes, the RMA process was kicked off and I had received the emailed instructions. A+ -- but I'm going to have to knock you down a grade just because you sold me this switch which one out of every two reviewers on Amazon has had problems with. B+

Cisco Consumer Support (aka Linksys) - I buy consumer hardware too. In this case, it was an EG008W Gigabit switch. This one died a few months ago, but I didn't think to call to get it replaced. The Small Business Support guy couldn't help me, but he transfered me to a guy who should have been able to. I say "should have" because the conversation didn't go so well. There were communication issues, I said something about my computer connecting at 10Mb/s instead of 1Gb/s, he asked how I knew my computer was connecting at 11Mb/s (yes, he said "11"). The call ended when he put me on hold to "look something up" and then came back and started saying "can you here me? I can't hear you. Are you still there?" and so on until he hung up. I'm sure he heard me fine and was just covering his ass - "yes boss, something happened to the connection." F -- this isn't a surprise, is it?

Frys - everyone's favorite consumer electronics store. I stopped by this evening to get a Netgear switch (GS608) to replace one of the Linksys switches. I happened to see the Norton Internet 2009/Ghost package that I bought for $99 a few weeks ago on sale for $69. With no receipt, I walked up to the return counter, explained things, and was given a store credit of $30 (which I proceeded to spend on the Netgear switch :) A+ -- that's a first for Frys, huh?

Sadly, that only averages out to a C, but that's Linksys bringing the score down. Without them, the average is an A, so I'd say things are looking up. I'm looking to you, Linksys, to get your act together - quality products, competent support. Work on it. It's really not that hard to do.

HP Computer/Customer Service

2009-04-13T06:39:00.000-07:00

I finally broke down and bought a new computer the other day. Our old HP desktop (m1050e) died back in December - first the disk went, and then the power supply, since it was 4 years old and mostly too slow to do anything, I didn't bother trying to fix it, I just decided to wait til something new and exciting came out and buy that.

So we waited. And waited and waited. Then finally, two weeks ago, HP listed a new machine - an m9660f on their site. It looked pretty nice, 8GB of RAM, 750GB of disk, AMD Phenom II-940 processor, etc. It was everything I needed, apart from lots of spare drive bays (one internal 3.5", one external 5.25"), and it came with Vista (64-bit) - ok, so it wasn't quite perfect. So I ordered it..

It arrived, yippee!! The box was all sorts of abused, the styrofoam packing material wast smashed all over the place (shame on you HP, using styrofoam, get with the program). And I spent the rest of the week installing things on it - iTunes, a new copy of Outlook (so I can sync my phone's contacts), Norton Ghost (so I can back up the boot partition - WTF Microsoft, would it have killed you to include this in Vista Home Premium?), and so on.

And then it happened. Friday I was flipping through the Frys ads in the Mercury News and there was my new computer, for $130 less than I had just paid 10 days earlier to HP. Crap. $130 will buy lots of accessories, so I called HP to ask for a price match. The computer came with a 21 day guarantee, so I was pretty sure I could say "fine, if you don't want to match Frys' price, I'd like to return the computer" (they cover return shipping too).

My first call to 1-800-BUY-MYHP was answered by "Jessica" (her real name, or so she told me). She assured me that they would match the price of any online retailer. Unfortunately, Frys' price online was different than the one in the paper. Amazon to the rescue - they were around $100 less than what I had paid hp.com. Jessica put me on hold to verify things, and then never came back. I sat on hold for over an hour, waiting, hoping for Jessica to come back. She never did.

Towards the end of my time with Jessica's music on hold, I tried online chatting, with "Sally." I wish I had gotten further with her, but I didn't. She told me they had no price matching policy, but said that I could fax the information (order number, copy of ad, etc) to them and someone would think about what they wanted to do. I somehow imagined this would take longer than the 11 days I had left to return the PC for free, so instead of doing so, I called the 800-BUY-MYHP again.

Thankfully someone other than Jessica answered. This guy read all of the information and then suggested that he could either give me $100 credit on the spot, or I could follow up and fax in all of the other crap and pray (he didn't mention prayer, that's my doing). Of course, I took the $100 credit - it was far easier than finding a fax machine, etc.

After the call, I took a survey which asked questions mainly about "this call" - not the others, but just this most recent one. That sucked. I had had three interactions, Jessica, Sally, and the unnamed guy. Of them, only the unnamed guy actually cared enough to solve my (ok, self-inflicted) problem. Jess and Sally didn't care. Sally just quoted company policy, and Jess, well, she's apparently not mastered the telephone system, so it's not clear where her competence lies.

Anyway, HP, if you're listening, roughly 66.7% of the people handling consumer post-sales issues aren't so consumer-friendly. You might want to look into that. And give the guy who took ownership of my problem some sort of bonus - he was really great.

Not-so-targeted Marketing

2009-03-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

I've been a Comcast customer for almost five years now, and mostly have no complaints. Sure, there was the ordeal at the end of 2007 when they took away the Hallmark Channel, but I moved past that and have been pretty happy with my digital cable service (you can quote me if you'd like Frank :).

But sometimes, they do the stupidest things. No, I don't mean their commercials - who can fault them for hiring an inept advertising agency. I'm referring to the most recent promotion I received in the mail. It was a special offer for one free On Demand movie. All I needed to do was to fill out the back of the enclosed coupon and send it in with next month's payment.

Sounds easy enough, but there are two problems with it:

We don't send in our payments. We pay electronically - we save Comcast money by doing this (they don't need to print our bill, nor pay for the postage), and at the same time, we're saving the environment (and making the lives of our local postal workers a bit easier). No payment to send in, no way to return the coupon.
We don't have a cable box, which is required for watching On Demand movies. We have digital cable, of course, but we went with a cable card in our TivoHD (Tivo rocks, more so with its 1TB drive!) rather than a cable box/DVR combination from Comcast.

Sadly, Comcast knew both of these things - they know we pay our bill electronically and they know we have CableCards (we get billed for these each month). Perhaps future promotions could be just a teeny weeny bit more targeted? You know, check to see if something actually applies to me before sending it to me maybe?

Network Storage

2009-03-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

I've been looking for some sort of network storage device for a while now - something for backing up my computer to, storing music, etc. I came across the Linksys MediaHub this afternoon. I've still not forgiven Linksys for the CIT400 support debacle, but the device looked interesting.

I started reading the documentation - something's not right. Take this blurb that follows the "switching to RAID 1" instructions:

WARNING: Existing data on the Media Hub will
be lost; Linksys strongly recommends that you
back up its data to your computer or an external
hard disk before you continue.
When you set the Media Hub to the Increase Protection: RAID 1 mode, the Media Hub will be unavailable for approximately 15 minutes and then automatically reboot.

After reboot, the Media Hub will synchronize the data on the two disks.

Depending on disk size, disk synchronization may take from several minutes to several hours. Synchronization progress can be viewed from the Disk screen. Rebooting or removing power from the Media Hub during this time is not recommended

So, let me see, if I turn on RAID 1, all of my data gets lost, ok, I'm good with that. But then the device will be rebooted, ok. And then the data will be synchronized across the disks. That would be the data that was wiped out? And then, depending on how big the disks are, synchronizing the non-existent data may take several hours? Interesting, very interesting.

The steps involved in recovering from a disk failure (two disks, in RAID 0) are equally not well thought out:

To shut down the Media Hub, press and hold the power button until the power LED starts flashing. If this step does not shut down the Media Hub, then
proceed to step 2.
Disconnect the power adapter from the Power port.
To release the drive bay cover, push the button on the top panel.
To remove the defective disk, push together the clips of its drive bay, and then pull out the drive bay.
Remove the defective disk from its drive bay.
NOTE: Do not install a replacement hard disk at this time. The Media Hub must revert to single disk mode before you can install a second hard disk.
Push down on the hard disk to make sure the connectors are securely seated.

Step 6 says to remove the defective disk, and then warns me not to put another disk in yet. But then step 7 tells me to push down on the hard disk to make sure the connectors are securely seated. Would that be the hard disk I just took out, or the one I didn't replace it with? Maybe you mean the remaining disk - do they come loose on their own often?

I think I'll continue my search elsewhere, unless someone at Cisco wants to send me an evaluation unit?

My Neighbor Sucks.com

2009-03-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

Ethel and I moved in to our place almost five years ago now. When we first moved in, our immediate neighbors were a quiet, bordering on anti-social couple. Our only real interaction with them was jumping out of the way as they came screaming into our common driveway. But at least they were quiet.

They moved out and another couple moved in - like the first couple, they were quiet, but they were also sociable, even attending a couple of the community social events. Sure, they were a bit odd, he claimed to "work from home" selling things on eBay, while she traveled regularly (for the longest time, I was convinced he had killed her, just wasn't sure what he did with the body), they were quiet.

And then they moved out, and in moved Esteban and Sean (not their real names, of course). They seemed reasonable at first. Sure, we thought it was odd that two 40 year old non-gay men would move in together, but who are we to judge. Then came the smoking. Rather than smoke in their house, Sean chose to smoke on his front porch. Thoughtful, were it not for their porch being roughly 10 feet from our windows. Yup, you got it, his smoke went right into our house.. Thanks asshole.

But wait, there's more. It seems that both Esteban and Sean have drinking problems. Not the traditional sort, unfortunately. Both of them lose their hearing when they get drunk. And being so close to downtown Campbell and its wealth of bars, they got drunk often - pretty much every freaking weekend. They developed quite a routine - quiet all week, and then Friday and Saturday nights drinking til the bars closed and then stumbling home drunk and then cranking the television or stereo.

I went over one morning - about 3ish and repeatedly banged on the door to get them to quiet down. Esteban answered the banging eventually and was apologetic. The next weekend was roughly the same, except that when I banged on the door and Esteban answered, he was angry that I had woken him up. Yes, that's right, the music was blaring so loudly that we could hear it through our walls and I woke him up. Jerk.

The next time, of course, I didn't bother walking over, I just called the police. Magically, it was quiet again. That lasted for a few months actually, but a few weeks ago, the parties started again. And Spring is just around the corner, that means opening windows again and then the smoking..

But last weekend, a miracle happened. A U-Haul truck showed up and Esteban and Sean loaded their crap up and moved out! Can you believe it? They're gone! Excellent!!

But who knows who will move in next. Will it be someone better? Hopefully Can it be someone worse? Inevitably..

But I got to thinking - Esteban and Sean probably moved someplace else, and their new landlord probably asked for the name of their previous landlord. And the new landlord maybe called the old one who said "sure, they paid their rent on time, they were fine tenants" But the reality is they sucked as our neighbors and will likely suck as the next person's neighbors. And there's not a damned thing that can be done about it.

But what if there was a website - maybe http://www.myneighborsucks.com - where people could go and basically complain about their neighbors such that future potential neighbors and landlords could go to to see what others thought of a potential new neighbor. Sort of an informal background check. Wouldn't that be great?

Unchain My Prius

2009-02-10T22:23:00.001-08:00

Ethel and I went to Yosemite last weekend. I've always been fond of Yosemite, I think because the name sounds sort of like a Jewish Retreat would - "Yo Semite" - get it?

We spent a lot of time hiking this trip, ranging from easy strolls around the village to a "killer" hike to Columbia Rock on the Upper Yosemite Falls trail. This sort of trail is how the park got its name in the first place - "Yosemite" is the Indian word for "some of them are killers."

The weather was gorgeous for the entire weekend, right up until when we were about to head out, then somehow, we got dumped on and had 4-6 inches of new snow. Great for skiing, not so great for driving in the mountains - they were rated "R2" - if we were going to drive, we needed chains.

And we had them!! Woohoo!! For three years I've driven around with a set of cable chains in the back of the Prius waiting for a chance to use them (or dreading having to use them, your choice).

We opened up the bag with the chains and started going through the instructions - they were pretty useless really, I think they went something like this:

Install chains
Drive carefully
Remove chains when safe to do so

Missing were all sorts of useful pieces of info. Thankfully, the bellman at the hotel parking lot we were "chaining up in" had installed chains in his previous career and he gave us all sorts of helpful hints that I thought were worth sharing, things like:

Connect the connector that's behind/inside the tire first (it's really hard to see, but it should be at the top), you'll never it it any other way;
Connect the bottom connector on the outside tire second;
Connect the top connector last;
After the three connectors are done, use the rubber band with the yellow things for tensioning things - attach the top and bottom first, then 2:30 and 8:30, then 4:30 and 10:30 - try it, you'll see what I mean

And it was that easy. The first tire took 15 minutes of struggling to accomplish nothing, and about 3 minutes to complete after the tips; the second tire took a little longer (my hands were numbing up; another tip - wear some sort of gloves that offer some degree of freedom; mine didn't).

To remove the chains, follow the steps in reverse order - remove the tensioners, then the two connectors on the outside first (top first, then the bottom connector) - this assumes you orient the tires the same way, of course, and then the back one - once again you won't be able to see it, but it's there, just to piss you off.

And choose a dry spot to stop the car, no matter how hard you try, you end up kneeling in front of the tire, and it's just no fun doing it in a puddle :)

My TARP Contribution

2009-02-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

I was looking at my bank account online the other day and I noticed that one of my accounts was MISSING. Yes, missing, as in not there. It was a CD that was supposed to have matured the other day, so I wasn't too surprised to not see it, but I was a little concerned about where the bank had stashed my money - it wasn't in any other accounts. So I did what I do best - I called customer support. Mistake..

The guy who answered the phone was trying to be helpful, but failing:

Me: My account seems to have disappeared - it was there yesterday, it's gone today
Him: I only see your checking and savings acccount, what account is missing
Me: A CD - lots of money. Enough to pay for the Vegas boondoggle your execs are planning
Him: Do you know the account number?
Me: Yes, in fact, it's in my statement from last month, before you made it go away
Him: I don't see it, I'll have to research it. Are you sure you have the number right? Where did you open it?
Me: Yes, I'm sure, I just read it from the PDF of my statement, unless you guys screwed that up?
...

And so it continued. Lots of time on hold, etc. Eventually he came back and said the branch was looking into it and they would get back to me.

And so they did - about an hour later a guy from the branch called to explain to me that when they rolled the CD over to my savings account THEY (the local branch) had entered the information in correctly, but during the course of "hard-processing" (something like that - it sounded like "manual data entry" to me) someone had transposed a couple of digits.

Me: Holy Crap! So my money is in someone else's account?
Branch Guy: No, the account number entered was invalid, so the money was in limbo

This is wrong on so many levels.. Ok, first, what the hell is someone doing reentering (incorrectly, I might add) the account information? Wasn't this all handled electronically? Apparently not. Someone actually PRINTED the transfer request out and then gave it to someone else to type in?

And what's this limbo account crap? The money was transfered to an invalid account and your software didn't think that was wrong and didn't prevent it? Does that sound stupid? Does this sound like the right way to do business? Right, as you said, someone would have picked up in it eventually - it seems like AS THE ERROR IS HAPPENING would have been the time for that to take place, not "when I happened to notice it."

They promised I'd get my money back tomorrow, anyone want to bet whether they come through or not?

Internet Inadequacies

2008-12-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

Twice this holiday season Ethel and I have submitted orders online, and twice we've gotten back somewhat misleading order confirmations.

The first order went to RitzPix - Ethel made a very pretty calendar using pictures we had taken throughout the year. Oh, speaking of which, RitzPix people - it's nice that your calendar application gives us the ability to add our own text throughout the year, it would be nice if we could remove yours as well. Oh, and, it's "Daylight Saving Time," not "Savings" - you had it on the calendar twice, once was right, once was wrong.

But I digress. At 8pm or so, we submitted the order. An hour later, we received an email that said our order was received and is being printed and will be ready shortly. I went by Ritz at 5pm the following day to pick up our calendar and the nice man there explained to me that the email didn't mean that the calendar was printed, it just meant that the order was entered into their system (oddly enough, he also made a typing gesture as he explained, as if to say that someone else had entered the order into the system after it had been received).

He went on to explain that their calendar printer was down and therefore they could not print the calendar there, but because of inadequacies in Ritz' software, there was no way for them to tell the big Ritz in the sky that they were only able to print pictures, not calendars. He assured me that someone from their location would put our calendar on a memory stick and drive to a different location, print the calendar and then call us when it was done.

More recently, I sent a print order to FedEx Office (formerly FedEx Kinkos - good job with the name change, though it now seems like you're competing with Microsoft Office - do you really want to do that?). It was a one pager. The receipt said it would be ready the next day by 2pm, ok - seemed reasonable. But then came an email confirmation which said "Most jobs go into production within 15 minutes of receipt."

The Fed Ex location was on my way home later that day, so I stopped in to see if my printout was ready. The nice lady took my order confirmation and walked back to the bored-looking lady sitting at the printer who took out her highlighter and highlighted the "2pm" part of the confirmation. Collectively they explained to me that it would not be ready until tomorrow at 2pm, as the confirmation said.

So here's the thing people. Twice we placed orders, and twice we received somewhat misleading confirmations. Is it really that hard to word your confirmations correctly? Maybe something like "we received your order and will contact you when it has been printed?" Or is there some reason you want me to think that my order is being printed right away (which obviously isn't the case).

Musk mellonhead

2008-12-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

Ugh, people are such idiots. I was flipping through Popular Science this morning and came across an interview they did with Elon Musk. For those who don't know, Elon founded PayPal, then went on to found Space X (famous for blowing up rockets in an attempt to do things better and cheaper than NASA), and more recently Tesla Motors.

Tesla's been in the news quite a bit over the past year or two. First there were issues with their transmissions, then there were management shakeups, and most recently, issues surrounding the amount of money they had left versus the number of cars they had on order, and so on. I wonder if
Bernie Madoff was a Tesla board member. Hmm, if the shoe fits..

Sorry, I'm rambling. Anyway, the interview. Holy crap. Talk about hypocritical. When asked whether he lived a green lifestyle, Elon replied:

I'm not too hardcore about being green. I think it leads to a very constrained life. I have the Roadster and a Porsche Turbo. But once the sedan comes out, I'll hand in the Porsche. Waste is not good, but we can't conserve our way to a solution. If everyone were a super-green conservationist, it would just delay the inevitable. We have to find sustainable means of producing and consuming energy.

Whoa! It leads to a constrained lifestyle? What does that mean? How are you constrained? do you mean if you drive a fuel-efficient car you can't do 150mph down the freeway? Sure, I'll give you that. Are there any freeways around that have a 150mph speed limit? No, I thought not.

You're right, we can't conserve our way to a solution. So let's just blow all of the resources we have now and completely fuck up the environment. Screw it, we can't fix it, so let's just live it up now, while we still can. Good plan. Dickhead. Exactly the attitude I expect from you. Thank you for not disappointing me.

Utter Cat-tastrophe

2008-12-16T19:07:00.000-08:00

Today I did something I've never done before. I took Matt (as in "door mat") the cat "to the pound." Matt showed up on our doorstep a couple of weeks ago. At first she would run when we went near her, but eventually she grew used to us, and would do this combination meow/hiss thing, which meant either "feed me" or "pet me", or maybe "there're some leaves stuck in my tail, do you mind pulling them out" (either worked). Of course, I started feeding Matt.

But unlike the feral colony I keep under the porch, Matt was sociable. Not just sociable, but demandingly sociable. She would sit at the front door day and night demanding that someone come out and pet her. It was quite amusing. But Matt seemed ill-equipped to deal with the harsh California Winter, so Ethel and I decided it would be best if we found Matt a new home.

Enter the Humane Society of Silicon Valley. I live in Silicon Valley, they're based here, I even give them money. So this morning Matt hopped (not quite willingly) into my cat carrier and we headed off to the Humane Society. After only one wrong turn (thanks Prius GPS - you said "we were there a mere 1/4 mile away from our destination!) we made it.

Matt and I went in and the nice lady at the front desk explained that the Humane Society of Silicon Valley, in fact, can only take in stray cats from Sunnyvale. As neither Matt nor I live in Sunnyvale, we were not welcomed. Matt didn't quite understand the nice lady's logic; neither did I. The fact that the name contained "Silicon Valley" was perhaps the problem. But we none the less headed off to the Silicon Valley Animal Control Authority, a mere 2 miles down the road; their name seemed more "corporate" or "authoritarian," certainly less "humane" but what else could we do.

When we got there, we met another nice lady who flirted with Matt (who, by now, was just looking to get out of the carrier and stretch her adorable fluffy tail). Thankfully, they didn't send us packing, and now Matt's got a new temporary home at the shelter, and based on what everyone said, is so adorable that she'll be adopted in no time.

So, if anyone is in the market for an absolutely adorable kitty, perhaps someone to put under the tree for that other someone special, let me know, and I'll put you in touch with the animal control people and Matt can be yours. I'll even pay the adoption costs (seriously, I will!).

Dedicated to Hans Waagen

2008-11-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

I was flipping through the Mercury News this morning and came across a letter that Hans "Chuck" Waagen had submitted that I think pretty clearly spells out what went wrong with Prop H8 on the ballot the other day:

Prop. 8 foes need to stop whining
When we were young, many of us were taught to be graceful while winning and to lose with equal grace whether it be politics, baseball, business or whatever. The gay constituency would be better served if they quit whining about losing, and accepted the reality of the majority popular vote for Proposition 8. Marriage is not a civil right. It is a mainly religious institution that has lasted for thousands of years with the attendant definition being the legal union between a man and a woman.
Hans Waagen

Does everyone see Hans' mistake (it's highlighted in red)? Still not getting it? The problem is that if, as Hans stipulates, marriage is a religious institution, what the hell are we doing ammending our constitution to define it? Get it now?

Remember the first ammendment? Right, Freedom of Speech. But it also covers the separation of church and state:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

So, Hans, how do you want to work this - do you want to change your definition of marriage to remove the religious aspect of it, or do you want to abandon the first ammendment. Your call. The Bush Administration has made strides towards abandoning the first ammendment, maybe you can just hop on their bandwagon?

Polling 2008

2008-11-07T05:55:00.000-08:00

I worked the polls again this past election. I was really leaning towards no when the Registrar called me to see if I was available, but they had a training class that was convenient (apart from being held in a church that had Yes on H8 signs all over), and a spot at my local (walkable) precinct was available.

Training class was ok, there were far fewer dumb questions than usual, the ballot-counting math still baffled people though. I wonder if basic math skills are no longer taught in school. It's probably just not funded anymore, there are more important things to spend our money on these days (like constitutionally mandated discrimination).

I was relieved when the precinct officer called me to set up a set up time. She asked many good questions - had I worked an election before, etc. She then went on about how she would be relieved to have competent (my word, not hers) people working with her.

Turns out, I was wrong. We, the underlings, wouldn't be working with her, we'd be working for her. She arrived late on election day (voters arrived at the precinct before her!), and frequently went home for some random thing or other - glasses, food, check results.

Setup sucked, as usual. You meet people for the first time, most of them are lazy bastards and just sit around watching other people work. And, of course, there are the issues with different interpretations of the rules - no, we can't set up the ballots tonight, the machine stays sealed in the bag til morning, etc. But we're a team, we work through them. Or we just ignore the other people and do what we know is right (arrogant, I know).

The day wasn't so bad. Apart from the uber-conservative, homophobic precinct officer, most of the other poll workers were good; there were even a few of high school/college students - they were all so cute. I so wanted to put them all at one table, the "kids" table :) Sadly, they all left by mid-afternoon.

One guy was particularly annoying. He kept asking voters if they "knew about the arrow voting system" - sheesh, you connect the tail of the arrow to the head, it's not a system. And, by the way, STOP using one of the candidate names in your example; that's biasing the voters (the wrong way :).

He also kept telling little kids to "make sure your parents don't screw up their ballots" - I can just see where that would go - "mommy, you're not going to screw things up, are you?" "no, of course not dear, mommies don't screw things up, they vote for other people to do their screwing up." I have to wonder if he wasn't some sort of perv.

Cleanup would have gone better were it not for two things - the lack of math skills I mentioned earlier (counting ballots "should" be easy, but we go out of our way to make it difficult for some reason), and more importantly, when we found out that McCain conceded (thanks iPhone for making that possible) the precinct officer fell apart and just started babbling about random meaningless things, predicting the end of the world, calling people ignorant liberals, etc. Funny how hard it is to accomplish anything when the person who ultimately has to sign off on things is in a vegetative state.

Oh well. I'm afraid you're going to have to go at it without me next election. I can't deal with the crazy lady..

Shirt Happens

2008-10-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

My new Obama-Biden shirt arrived, finally!! Yes, the one that I complained about and eventually called American Express to dispute the charge. It arrived the other day, no explanation, no apology, in an undated envelope. As t-shirts go, it's nice, but I'm pretty sure it's below Sarah Palin's standards. Pity it's not really t-shirt weather here anymore. Anyone at the Obama Store want to send me a fleece or a sweatshirt instead?

Thanks Barack, and good luck on Tuesday.. And thanks Amex, for lighting a fire under their asses to get the shirt sent.

Election 2008

2008-10-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

I thought for sure I'd have trouble figuring out how to vote on the various measures on the upcoming ballot. But I came up with a foolproof strategy. I am voting against whomever lies the most. It's just that simple.

Take Proposition 8 for example. The Yes on 8 people have run ads on TV that say that if proposition 8 is not passed, then gay marriage will be taught to kids in school. Interesting idea, but it's not true. Clearly they're trying to mislead me, so I'm going to side with the No on 8 camp.

And then there's Proposition 2 - it's all about humane treatment of farm animals. The No on prop 2 people have said that this will increase costs such that farmers in California will be put out of business, which would mean all of our farm animal-based foods would be brought in from out of state. The funny thing is, the eggs in my refrigerator now, at this moment are organic, from free range chickens in Petaluma, CA, so it seems that the No on 2 people are full of crap. I will therefore, vote Yes on 2. I'm guessing that this sort of thing is just fine for the No on 2 people?

And so it goes, down through the ballot measures. Thanks to everyone for making my choices easy this time around.

Sucks to be me

2008-10-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

We bought a new vacuum cleaner the other day. Our old Sears Kenmore canister had outlived its usefulness. The wheels never rolled straight, the connector for the "Power Hose" stuck such that you needed a screwdriver to disconnect the recently replaced "Turbo Brush" attachment, and so on.

After a lot of online shopping and a couple of trips to local stores, we decided to get a Miele canister from Bed Bath and Beyond (I always think of Jay from Last Commic Standing when I think of BB&B). After using it the other day during housecleaning, I have to say, I think we made the right choice. It's leaps and bounds better than the Kenmore was. The parquet floor attachment is great on the hardwood floors (that was extra), the spinny upholstery brush is great (and gentle) on the furniture.

My favorite part is the vent (air gets sucked in through the hose, it needs to be vented out somewhere, right?). On the Kenmore, the vent was out the back. That was always annoying - if the vacuum happened to be facing the wrong way, it would just blow the dust around. The Miele people figured that out and have it vent out the top - no more blowing the stuff I haven't gotten to sucking around.

Bed Bath and Beyond though - arg. We decided to get this particular vacuum from them because we had a 20% off coupon (they send coupons weekly). What we didn't realize was that the coupon, in its fine print, excludes nearly every major (read "expensive") manufacturer. We walked up to the register with what would soon be our new vacuum, handed it and the coupon to the cashier and were told "oh, you can't use this coupon on this vacuum - Miele is excluded" and she showed us, in the teeny tiny print - they're excluded - bastards.

But we got it anyway - I think that's what they expect to happen - get people excited to buy something and then when they can't back down, hit them with the bad news. And it worked, but only this time - we won't be shopping there anytime soon.

Where the heck is my gosh darn t-shirt!

2008-10-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

Way back at the end of August, the Obama Campaign sent me an e-mail - I could be one of the first to receive an Obama-Biden t-shirt if I made a contribution to their campaign. I bit. It was stupid, but I did. I sent them money. And I got an email confirmation. And nothing more. Seriously, it's now been more than five weeks, and I still haven't received my damned t-shirt.

I tried to be patient - I made it three weeks before I decided to call to see what was going on. I got the nicest woman who said something like "yes, they were delayed because there were so many orders; but we sent an e-mail to tell everyone they were delayed; the last of the orders went out on Monday." I pointed out that I hadn't received this e-mail; but she assured me I would receive my shirt, and then offered to transfer me to someone else who could help me further.

And maybe this other woman could have helped me, if she ever answered her damned phone or returned my voicemail messages. I left a couple of messages last week and heard nothing back. Nice, real nice. I hope when Barack wins, that he finds more responsive people for his cabinet than he has running his gosh darn Internet store.

I made lots more calls - once or twice a day. Sometimes I would call the number for the "store" that I found online, other times I would call the number of the non-responsive woman. I never actually talked to a real person.

Finally on Sunday someone actually called me back. After a brief explanation of the problem, she said "sorry, we're the Obama store, we don't actually handle those orders, those are handled by another group; you need to talk to this other woman, her number is ..." The funniest thing - this other woman's phone number is only a digit or two different from the first woman who didn't return my calls.

Nice, real nice. Unfortunately, I couldn't leave her a message, as her voicemail was full - maybe I'm not the only one who hasn't received my shirt yet?

And then, surprise surprise, another call, on Monday morning. From another very nice woman, but unfortunately, one who is challenged by simple logic. The dialog went like this:

Me: I was calling to see why I hadn't received my t-shirt yet.
Her: They were sent out last Monday, you should receive it by the end of next week
Me: [wondering where they were sent from that they take two weeks to arrive]
Me: Can you check on it?
Her: No
Me: What if I don't receive it by next Friday?
Her: If you don't receive it by next Friday, we will know and we will get in touch with you
Me: How do you think you will know if I don't receive it?
Her: We will

Ok, let's just stop there. You can't track it, but you will know I didn't receive it? How - through some sort of telepathy? Perhaps you will telepathically sense my frustration? Or will it be from the phone call you get from American Express when I call them to dispute the charge?

Freedom of Speech == Freedom to Deceive?

2008-09-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

I watched and/or listened to large parts of the Republican Convention last week. And I have to say - holy crap. What's with the lies? Seriously.. Take, for example, Mike Huckabee's speech. He said:

And speaking of Gov. Palin, I am so tired of hearing about her lack of experience. I want to tell you folks something. She got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States.

The first thing I thought when I heard this was "Wow, Wasilla must be pretty big." Then I went and looked it up. The population of Wasilla is around 9,000 people. So, assuming no one voted twice or three times, at best, Sarah Palin got 9,000 votes running for mayor. I then looked up the Democratic Primary results. Here in home, sweet home California, Joe Biden got just over 17000 votes.

So what's up Mike, are you a fucking moron and don't know that 17,000 is more than 9,000, or are you lying to us?

Wait, I see.. You're talking about about delegates - right, I see, Joe Biden got no delegates in the primaries. Got it. But those are delegates, they're not votes. For Sarah, you used "votes" as the unit, but for Joe you used "delegates" as the unit. Someone in 5th grade could probably tell you why you can't mix units like this.

Here, let me give you a good example:

During Bill Clinton's administration, there was a budget surplus of $230 billion, but during the Bush Administration, the nation's national debt went up to over $9 trillion.

See what I did? Just like you did - I compared two unlike units in the hopes that people reading it are fucking morons, and enamored enough with me that they don't bother to try to rationalize what I said.

So here's what I think we should do.. You can continue to spout off your bullshit, and we the people will continue to listen to it. But after each speech, let's all go through what you said and you can explain how you arrived at your different conclusions, ok? Maybe, just maybe, when the technology evolves enough, we can actually see it in realtime - as you speak, little pop-up windows show up and point out how what you're saying fits in with reality?

Update: FactCheck.org has the total numbers:

Not even close. The tally: Biden, 79,754, despite withdrawing from the race after the Iowa caucuses. Palin, 909 in her 1999 race, 651 in 1996.

Gruntled Customer

2008-09-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

While I was in Scotland, I had data roaming turned off on my phone so as not to join the huddled masses who get back from a trip abroad with ridiculously high phone bills (thanks huddled masses for taking one for the team and showing us that data roaming is bad!). I was little withdrawn when there was no wi-fi around, but mostly ok.

Except for VoiceMail. No data means no Visual VoiceMail®. Fine, I can live with that, Apple thoughtfully put a "Call VoiceMail" button right in the middle of the VoiceMail dialog. Sadly, it didn't work. When I had a VoiceMail message, I pressed the button and nothing happened. I ended up calling my own number, etc to get my messages (no, pressing/holding "1" didn't work - I tried that too).

Today I got around to calling AT&T ~~to complain~~ for support. Not surprisingly, it was a waste of time (initially). The call went like this:

Me: I had data roaming off so that I wouldn't get charged, but the "Call VoiceMail" button didn't retrieve messages
AT&T Guy: With data roaming off you can't use Visual VoiceMail
Me: I know, but the "Call VoiceMail" button should have worked, right?
AT&T Guy: Does it work now?
Me: I don't know, I'm not in Scotland anymore
AT&T Guy: You need to take it up with Apple, it's a problem with the phone
Me: Thanks

And so I called Apple. Their phone menu asked a bunch of questions, the last of which was "are you having problems with VoiceMail?" - I thought "score, everyone has problems, they have a team dedicated to helping us!" I answered "yes" with just a hint of excitement in my voice. The system responded by telling me that it was an AT&T problem and transfered me back to them.

I think not. I hung up, and called Apple back, and lied to their phone menu (but I had my fingers crossed when I did it) and said I was having a technical problem. I rationalized it internally, telling myself that I was calling because the "Call VoiceMail" button was broken, not VoiceMail, strictly speaking.

A nice guy came on the phone, and after I explained the problem, he asked me to press and hold the "1" key to see if that tranfered me to my VoiceMail. I did, it didn't. Then we debated whether we heard one or two tones. I said there was one, as the customer I was right (though really it was two - the "DT" in DTMF means dual-tone - sorry Apple guy).

Since the "1" key trick didn't work, he said "it's an AT&T problem" and offered to transfer me to them. I explained nicely that I had just spoken to them, and they sent me to him, and if I was going to end up in the middle of them pointing fingers at each other, I would just live without the "1" key and find some very public place to post my experiences. I might've also mentioned that I knew Steve Jobs. Does seeing him shopping at Whole Foods count as knowing him?

Rather than send me to AT&T on my own, he offered to conference them in and go through things with them (i.e. he knew what was wrong with their system and could help them fix it). And that's exactly what he did - we sat on hold for ten minutes or so waiting for someone from AT&T to come on, look at my phone's settings on their end, say "it looks fine, wait, no, let me tweak this" and magically my "1" button now calls my VoiceMail.

And that's why I'm a gruntled customer rather than my usual disgruntled customer. Because some random guy at Apple ~~wasn't sure whether I really knew Steve Jobs or not~~ went out of his way to help me fix my problem even though it wasn't actually his problem to help fixing.

(by show of hands, how many people knew that 'gruntled' was a word?)

Vice Presidential Nominee

2008-09-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

The latest poop is that Bristol Palin's pregnant, in striking contrast to the oft-cited story of her having been the one who gave birth to Trig Palin. None of this comes as a surprise. After all, Sarah Palin is the candidate for Vice (ha ha ha) President.

Lynne Spears for Vice President perhaps?

Comcast Caps?

2008-08-30T15:32:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Mercury News this morning and saw an article about Comcast's plans to raise rates and cap downloads (250GB/month). Interesting, very interesting. I suppose this is in response to the FCC dinging Comcast for blocking BitTorrent downloads. Or is it.

Is it possible that it's an attempt on Comcast's part to get people to use its video-on-demand service and its IP telephone offering?

Think about it.. We use Skype for our long distance service - it can't be beat really. It costs $30 a year for unlimited domestic long distance, and about $0.021 per minute for calls to Europe. In contrast, Comcast's phone service clocks in at around $33/month (assuming the $99 "Triple Play"). But Skype uses bandwidth..

Moving along, we have video... We occasionally use Amazon's unbox service to download and watch movies. In the near future we might be moving to Netflix - via Roku or maybe some comparable device. We download SD videos now, they don't use a whole lot of bandwith. But should we start using something that does HD, we can probably expect about 4 - 5GB per hour. If we wanted to watch 2 hours of TV a day, we'd go exceed our cap every month. True, we would never watch that much TV, but I can imagine there are people out there who would.

So, Comcast, fess up. Are you really trying to police the Internet with this new policy, or are you just trying to incent people to pay you for the same services they can get elsewhere?

And speaking of television, I noticed a few digital converters for sale lately - they were usually $59.99 minus the $40 government coupon. We don't need one, but I was thinking about getting one, just to screw the government out of $40. Any other takers?

FedEx Up

2008-08-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Ethel and I signed up for the Sunset Wine Club last year. I seemed like a good idea - each month, they send us two bottles of wine along with a couple of recipes that pair nicely with the wines. But like many "good ideas," the devil is in the details.

Our first shipment showed up on our porch as expected. No signature required (despite all sorts of warnings on the box about a signature being required).

The next few months were less "cool." The delivery needed a signature (it's the law, wine is alcohol) - no one could explain why the first shipment was left with no signature. So once a month one a tag would appear on our front door and the next day one of us would work from home and wait for the FedEx guy to show up with the wine. It wasn't ideal, but it was workable.

But then in May, no FedEx door tags showed up. We decided that the program we had enrolled in was only for a year. We were wrong. In mid-June, we got a door tag. WTF. Out of the program, back in. Things were busy, so we just decided to let the FedEx man make repeated attempts at delivering, and then we'd go to their depot to pick up the wine.

But he never came back. We waited a couple of weeks and then called FedEx. Check it - the delivery guy decided we were never home, so why bother trying to deliver the wine (how about "because we're paying you to do it asshole?"). Not only that, but he (she?) also said we had refused the shipment, so they sent it back to Sunset.

The wine people called us to ask what was going on, I explained the story. They mentioned that our July wine had just been returned as well (FedEx - I'm keeping score - you're 0 for 3). They suggested switching to UPS, or calling FedEx to ask them what was going on.

I called FedEx - they apologized and told me they had two shipments and said they would make arrangements to have these two shipments waiting for me at their Home Delivery terminal for Saturday pickup. Surprise, Saturday arrived and only one of the shipments was there. The lady there asked if I wanted to take that one, or to save myself a trip and come back for both at the same time (uhm, duh!). The other was back at the "not open on Saturday" depot.

I called again and was told "oh, yeah, we sent it to them, but they sent it back." Great, thanks SFB ("Shit For Brains"), you might have called and mentioned it so I wouldn't have wasted the trip. SFB also said "if you have the shipper label the package as 'for home delivery' it will go right to the "open saturday" Home Delivery terminal.

Surprise.. The box that the most recent shipment came in (converted to a cat toy) is clearly marked "Home Delivery."

I gave up and called the wine people and opted for the potentially slightly more expensive but hopefully more reliable UPS delivery..

Earn and Burn

2008-08-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

Ethel and I are heading off on vacation in a few days (right - what! again?). It wasn't our first choice, but we decided to go with Continental Airlines, it's not as if the Star ~~Loose Association~~ Alliance ever gives us a chance to use accrued miles anyway, right..

Needless to say, we were kind of stoked when we Continental announced that it was joining the Star ~~Loose Association~~ Alliance, as we thought our miles accrued on this trip would go into our respective Star ~~Loose Association~~ Alliance accounts.

Think again. That would be logical only from the perspective of the person accruing the miles. From perspective of an airline, it's treading on dangerous ground, as it gives customers a chance to accrue miles faster (one single account, vs one account per airline).

...
Will the frequent flyer programs be combined?
There are no plans to combine the programs at this time. Each would function with reciprocity under the Star Alliance umbrella.
...
Will customers be able to combine Continental and United frequent flyer accounts?
No. Customers will keep an account with one airline and use the reciprocity between programs to "earn and burn" on other airlines.
...

From experience, "earn and burn" really means "earn and desperately try but fail miserably to use before expiration"

Writing Career

2008-08-03T22:06:00.001-07:00

I've spent a lot of time lately writing - documentation for work, letters to the city. Everything, except for here (sorry). I enjoy writing, so I've started to think that I should write a book or a story or something. Maybe a takeoff on an old classic:

Juliette: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: I'm in the living room with the guys watching the game, can you bring us some beers?

Maybe I'll go by the pen name "William Shakesbeer"..

Ok, day job it is..

iPhone, AT&T, MMS

2008-07-28T06:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I got my first MMS message on my iPhone the other day. Ugh. It came as a text message (SMS) which read:

I sent you a multimedia message. You can view my message w/in the next 7 days via the web at www.viewmymessage.com using ID A1843 and password M6572

Well, that's pretty handy, except that I then need to open up a browser (by clicking on the provided link) and then key in the cryptic userid and password that I am forced to remember or write down because cut and paste is a concept foreign to the iPhone development team.

This is now my new number one priority, along with being able to record movies, send MMS messages, transfer files using bluetooth add cut and paste and receiving MMS messages. Wait, ok, I'll throw you a bone - if you add receiving MMS messages, I won't need to cut and paste ids and passwords back and forth, so that's lower priority.

AT&T - you meed to hire people to proofread the things you put on your site. This text, for example, is not really English:

See how you've used "this" twice in the second sentence? This is kind of stupid. Here, I'll reword it for free for you:

Your login is being verified. Depending on your Internet connection speed, this may take a few minutes to complete. If it does indeed take a few minutes to complete rather than a few seconds, you should contact your Internet Service Provider and tell them that AT&T says your connection sucks and you want your money back.

See - much better. The first one is free. After that, it costs money.

Revelations

2008-07-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes a near-death experience (even on someone else's part) for us to see what's lacking in our own lives.

The big story in the news this morning was about the Quantas jet that had to make an emergency landing because of a hole that appeared in the fuselage - good reason to land in my book. Kudos to the crew and passengers for staying calm and landing safely.

What's the relevation, you're asking.. If you check out the news story, you'll see that there's a video clip shot from inside the plane - no doubt from a cell phone camera. So here I am, watching this video clip thinking "jerk, you're supposed to be panicking, not making a movie" and then it hits me - my freaking iPhone 3G can't make a damned movie.

WTF Steve - what's up with that? If my plane is going down, I want to record it at 30 frames per second, not a couple of stills per minute. When're you going to fix this? And would it hurt to have a few "features" with the still camera - maybe B&W pictures, Sepia tone, you know, cheesy things that I thought were cool in my iPhony (Sony Ericsson W810i phone).

iPhone 3G

2008-07-15T06:09:00.000-07:00

Patience paid off. I walked into an Apple store yesterday afternoon and walked out with a new iPhone. Unlike everyone who felt compelled to stand in line for untold hours (don't you people have lives, jobs, self-esteem?), the whole process took under 30 minutes, most of that time being spent waiting for AT&T to adjust my account so that AppleStoreGuy could activate the phone in my name.

I got the white one, mostly because they didn't have any 16GB black ones. I think I wanted a black one more, but I convinced myself I only wanted the black one because they didn't have any.

I haven't spent a lot of time with it yet, but I've done a few things - I connected to my home wireless network, I paired it with my Prius, I took a couple of pictures. I even synced it with iTunes on my desktop which magically copied all of my contacts from my old phone to the iPhone.

I am disappointed in one aspect though - Bluetooth. I can't remember having a phone that had Bluetooth that didn't let me transfer files from my phone to a PC (all of the pictures I post here are phone pictures). I remember hearing horror stories from Verizon users about how their phones had crippled Bluetooth stacks.

On the other hand, for Halloween this year, I'm going slightly non-PC - I'll color my teeth blue and roll around in a wheelchair - get it? Crippled bluetooth? Yeah, ok, it's a stretch.

European Vacation

2008-07-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

Ethel and I just got back from vacation in Austria (and unexpectedly Germany - more on that later). All in all, it was pretty good - by definition vacation is, and spending it with Ethel makes it that much more enjoyable.

For those that don't follow soccer, this year the Euro2008 Soccer championship was held in Austria and Switzerland. I'm not the world's biggest soccer fan, but I do enjoy watching the games. The Europeans thought - they're totally into it. In fact, they're so into it, you might even call them Euro-pee'ins based on what I saw in one restaurant bathroom:

It's a pity there is no scorekeeping though the electronics to make it work would probably be a problem. After a liter of Gösser, I was ready for a few penalty kicks.. A goalie would be nice too.

The other thing I noticed - after the Josef Fritzl thing a few months back, they're taking child welfare much more seriously. I saw several signs like this when we were out and about:

I think this is their equivalent of the Amber Alert; I can easily imagine the little girl pictured shouting "you are not my daddy!"

The Demise of Lufthansa

2008-06-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

As hard to believe as it is, what with all of the crappy service I've endured on United Airlines, Lufthansa just became my least favorite airline.

Ethel and I booked a trip to go to Europe for summer vacation. We booked several months ago so that we could get decent fares. I noticed last month that somehow my last name was spelled wrong on the ticket (it's still not clear to me why American Express allowed Milton Dorkemhoff to use my credit card to pay for the tickets), so I called the ticket office.

I was told that there is normally a $50 fee to change a name, but it would be waived because it was obviously the agent's mistake. Cool beans. Scored points with me too, they admitted their mistake.

We're supposed to be leaving tomorrow, so I went online to print out our eTicket receipt (the beauty of flying paperless) and wouldn't you know it, my name is STILL spelled wrong. So I called Lufthansa again.

This time I was told "there will be a $50 fee to change a name" - I pointed out that I was told that before and was told it would be waived. And also that I had already called to get it changed four weeks ago (which was noted in the record).

After a lengthy pause, a feigned "I'll need to check with my supervisor" the agent came back on and said that the fee would be waived. Cool, ok, you pissed me off by making me wait, but at least this is settled.

Bzzz, wrong answer. It's not settled. The office that needs to reticket me (funny, I thought "eTicket" was electronic) is closed on weekends, so I actually have to go to a Lufthansa ticket counter to get reticked. Ok, fine. Alas, the only one around is actually at San Francisco airport, and they're only open between 10:30am and 2pm.

Yeah, that's primo - I need to drive 100 miles to the airport ($10.00 in gasoline) to fix your mistakes, after giving you a crapload of money for the ticket. Nice.. Tell me again why you're better than any other airline..

Christine

2008-06-25T19:26:00.001-07:00

It's totally freaky. Have you seen the movie Christine? That's been my life lately. Ethel and I met some friends for dinner downtown, and while we sat at the restaurant, a new retro Dodge Challenger kept driving by - this car:

Ok, no biggie, maybe the guy was looking for a place to park. But then yesterday I left for work, and the car was there again, sitting out in front of my house.

Sure, maybe two twice in two days is a coincidence, but then it was there again this morning, around the corner from my house. It's as if this car is stalking me.

Leave me alone. I don't want you. I get over 50mpg and am quite happy with my Prius. You, on the other hand, get around 2mpg. Do the math.

Dinner's on me, err, nevermind..

2008-06-24T20:41:00.001-07:00

An e-coupon arrived this afternoon from Left at Albuquerque this afternoon - psych! I was going to take Ethel to dinner (she's a cheap date). Then I read the fine print:

Doh! The coupon expired weeks ago - before it was even sent. Nice. Real nice. Ethel will be disappointed. Jack In The Box here we come.

Special thanks to King Kong Capture for providing an awesome screenshot tool..

Update: I received a new coupon from Lefties, which blamed of all things, a computer for the problem:

Due to a computer error our new menu offering coupon was accidentally resent with an incorrect expiration date.

The computer incorrectly put the date? Or did the computer incorrectly send the coupon? And what's with the "resent" it - it was only sent once. I don't believe you..

Big Mac

2008-06-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!! It's here!! My new Mac is here! It's a MacBook Pro. It's absolutely ~~gigantic~~ great. It's the bottom of the line model, but it's still gorgeous. Steve, you and your people have outdone yourselves this time. I was on the fence about the new iPhone, but if this computer is any indication of the quality of your work, I'm getting one. It puts my Windows machines to shame.

There is one problem with it though - I can't come up with a name for it. I try to come up with cutesy names for my computers. I came up with a couple of choices for this puppy but I can't decide which to go with.

Ethel suggested I create a survey - so that's exactly what I did. I set up a survey over at Survey Monkey (note to self: always remember to thank the people who give you things for free) so you, my loyal readers (all 7 of you) can help me decide what to name this baby.

The polls are open now, run, don't walk to the survey.

Togo's Disappoints

2008-06-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

I've been a fan of the Togo's #9 since sometime in the mid-80s. Sadly, my fandom ended today. I was home at lunchtime, and had a craving, so I walked over to the local Togo's (passing up the recently opened Quiznos and lacking in atmosphere/manners Subway).

There was a sign taped to the door - "we're sorry, for health reasons, we will not be using tomatoes." Two problems here:

Tomatoes add flavor; I learned first hand today that the #9 is not so great without tomatoes. That might be because the sandwich barista overcompensated with lettuce though;
The FDA has said that tomatoes from California are not linked to the Salmonella Saintpaul outbreak

So, if Togo's is no longer serving tomatoes, then that means they are either overly paranoid, or they are getting their tomatoes from outside California. I'm going with the latter, and I can't see paying them to import vegetables when we grow perfectly good (and healthy no less) vegetables right here at home in CA.

Sorry Togo's, you're on my boycott list, along with Canada and Noah's Bagels. We had a good run though.

Economic Stimulus Package

2008-06-12T05:24:00.000-07:00

I try to stay up on current events, but I confess, the economic stimulus package caught me off guard. When I first heard about it, I thought it was something pornographic-related. I mean, really, "stimulus" and "package" in the same sentence? I thought maybe it was some sort of cheap vibrator.

I'm happy to say, I was completely wrong. It's not a cheap vibrator (nor an audio vibratory physio molecular transport device - for Rocky Horror fans in the crowd), it's intended to stimulate our not-recessed economy. The idea is simple - the government sends me a check, and I go and buy something with it (sadly, what I buy will likely be made in China, thus stimulating the wrong economy - will China quiver when their economy gets overstimulated?).

What a great idea Mr. President! I say, bring them on! In fact, how about this - don't send me a check; instead, just send it to Steve Jobs; and he can send me a new iPhone3G, ok?

Astronaut in Campbell

2008-05-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

I was crossing through the Campbell Light Rail station the other day; there was a man standing at the edge of the platform taking a leak. He tried to hide it, but it was pretty obvious what he was doing (no, I didn't take a picture, perv). I thought "loser, get a bathroom" but (atypically) kept my mouth shut :)

Then I was reading the news, and I realized the "loser" wasn't a loser at all, he was an astronaut! Holy crap, an astronaut The space station's toilet was backed up and he came by Campbell to relieve himself. Had I known he was a famous astronaut, I'd have asked for an autograph (after he washed his hands, of course).

American Airlines Brain Trust

2008-05-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

I was just reading that American Airlines is going to start charging people to check bags - $15 for the first bad. Yeah, that'll solve lots of problems. I hope you didn't spend too much time thinking about it. Here's how I see it panning out..

Scenario One:
Joe Schmoe walks up to the ticket counter to check in. He's, of course, sent to a kiosk. The kiosk asks if Joe is checking a bag; Joe doesn't know any better (i.e. you haven't lost his luggage yet, nor does he know about the fee), so he says "sure". The kiosk then tells Joe there is a fee. The kiosk application is poorly written, and doesn't let Joe "cancel" so has to stand in line with the rest of the people who were nearly screwed by this new plan.

Scenario Two:
Joe Schmoe has learned his lesson - don't check bags. Instead, he uber-packs, he has everthing he needs for his 6 weeks on the road in is questionably sized duffle bag. Joe goes through security; get stuck there for a while because, of course, he has all of his worldly possessions in his duffle bag and they're curious. Not only is Joe held up, but so is everyone else.

Eventually Joe makes it through security; his plane begins boarding. Joe notices that everyone else has all of their worldly possessions, so he rushes to board first. But Joe is zone 14; so he isn't allowed to board; instead he just crowds around the ~~agents~~ agent (sorry, right, you're cutting costs, there's only one agent per plane) checking passengers in.

Finally, Joe boards. And would you believe the overhead bins are full? Great, now what. Of course, we know what comes next, Joe has to check his bag. So do all of the other shmoes whose bags don't fit. Every last stinking one of them.

Did you see how that worked - you made a few dollars off of the people who checked their bags, but I bet you spent more in fuel costs while the plane sat idling while all of those bags were checked at the last minute!

It's all Greek to me

2008-05-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through the Mercury News yesterday and saw this ad for the Greek Festival:

Ethel and I went a few years ago, it was fun. Not quite the same as going to Greece, but there's less chance of luggage getting lost. I think we're going to have to give it a miss this go-round though, unless we get the flux capacitor in the Prius replaced.

Get it? Ok, look at the ad, the date is wrong - it says 2007, but it's 2008 now. I envision the people who ran this ad having had this discussion leading up to running it going like this:

Spiro: Dimitri, we need to run an ad in the paper for the festival
Dimitri: We had lots of people last year, we should run the same ad
Spiro: That's a great idea, I wish I had thought of it
Dimitri: That's why I make the big bucks

And so Spiro went off and found last year's ad and sent it in to the Merc.. Oopsie..

Election [Training]Coverage

2008-05-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

A few months back, I saw an ad somewhere that said election officers were needed. I thought it might be fun - be a part of the system, work the polls, etc, so I signed up for it.

Well, it was certainly different. Part of the "job" includes a 3+ hour training class with other people who've also signed up. To say they come from all walks of life is an understatement. Some were big, some were small; one woman in class was a klepto (she stole my handouts; claimed they were her own; when I pointed to my pen still clipped to them she nearly claimed that to be her own as well).

Class consists of both lecture and some hands-on work (setting up the voting machines, how to process voters, etc). Along the way, people ask the most amazing questions. For example, when setting up the voting machine, one trainee asked "which is the front and which is the back" - I suppose that's a reasonable question if you've never seen a television or computer (for those wondering, the "front" is the part with the screen, the "back" is the part with the power cord, just like your computer monitor).

Another question which sort of demonstrated the lack of logical thinking that was going on came up when discussing when it's appropriate to ask for ID and when it's not (it's only appropriate to ask for ID when the registration book says it is). The instructor was going through the list of what is and what is not appropriate, the following dialog took place:

Trainee: Is a green card an appropriate ID?
Trainer: No
Trainee: Why not, it has a name, photo, and address
Trainer: Ok, if you put it that way, it is. But a person who has a green card is not a citizen
Trainee: So?
Trainer: You need to be a citizen to vote in the United States
Trainee: Ohh....

It's funny now, but I know that when election night rolls around and I'm stuck in a room with a bunch of dumb people, I'm not going to be a happy camper.

Like a good neighbor...

2008-05-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

Some new neighbors moved in a couple of months ago. They seemed pretty normal, though one has to wonder why two straight 40-something men are living together. It reminds me a bit of the Odd Couple actually - can two divorced men share an apartment together without driving eachother crazy - except that I don't know that either of them is divorced (never thought to ask), and it's me that's being driven crazy.

It started shortly after they moved in - one of them, I'll call him Marlboro Man smokes. No big deal, sure, I think it's a pretty disgusting habit and he no doubt flicks his lit cigarettes out the window while driving down the road costing millions of dollars worth of fire damage, but that's his problem not mine. His smoking became my problem as soon as the weather got warmer..

You see (any Rocky Horror fans in the crowd?), he doesn't smoke inside, he only smokes outside on his front porch. And as fate would have it, there's some sort of physics-defying vortex between his front porch and my bedroom window. As a result, when my window is open and he's smoking, his smoke comes into my house. WTF! You don't want to make your house smell, but it's ok for mine to smell? I think not.

But the smoking is nothing compared to what his roommate does. Whenever Marlboro Man is off for the weekend with his girlfriend, the roommate - I'll call him David Lee Roth because he's got a penchant toward loud and obnoxious behavior - goes downtown and gets hammered. Ok, no biggie, that's what downtown is there for, as long as you're not driving nor puking in my bushes, I'm ok with it.

But the thing is, when Bono gets home at 2am when the bars close, he cranks up his stereo, then proceeds to pass out (in a pool of vomit I suspect). Again, WTF. If you're going to sleep, can you turn the music off? The first time it happened I walked over there (3am) and banged on the door (knocking didn't work, the music was too loud) and he sheepishly said "too loud?"

The next weekend, same deal.. I banged on the door at 2:30am and WOKE HIM UP. He answered the door pissed that I had woken him up and said "Again?!?" Right, it's my fault that I woke you, won't happen again.

The third time it happened I ignored it and then sent a letter to the homeowner association :)

And that nearly worked. Until this weekend. Sunday morning 2am rolls around, they both come stumbling back home with some friends and are quiet (apart from confusion as to how the steps and front door work). Then a few minutes later there's a two-way radio noise out front, and I'm thinking "ha, someone called the cops on you, serves you right." But I looked outside and saw a taxi cab - they were in the middle of a LOUD and tearful goodbye as they sent their party friends home in a cab.

Ethel told me it's wrong to be passive aggressive, but I'm seriously thinking about pointing our subwoofer at the wall we share with them and cranking up the base at around 7am next Sunday..

Olympic Torch: Flame of Shame

2008-04-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

Yo, people, what's the problem? The Olympics (and by association, the Olympic Torch Relay) are not about politics. They're not about whether China has some human rights issues (is the pot calling the kettle black here? Think Guantanamo, think Abu Ghraib). They're about people. People competing against other people, not against political policies.

Didn't we learn anything in the 80s, we boycotted the Moscow Olympics (is there some sort of irony here as we are now the occupying force in Afghanistan), the Soviets boycotted the LA Olympics. What did that accomplish? Nothing. The end result the only people who suffered were the athletes who didn't get to compete, and the fans who didn't get to watch the games.

It was funny really. As I read the story of the people who climbed the Golden Gate bridge to hang their "Free Tibet" sign I thought "that would never happen here in San Jose." For a bunch of reasons really. There's the obvious - we don't have a Golden Gate Bridge so there's no place to climb. But more importantly, our police don't take that kind of crap. The San Jose PD would've treated the protesters just like they treat the occasional stray mountain lion that finds its way into civilization - cap their asses.

Things that make me wretch for $100 please Alex

2008-04-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

I was shopping with Ethel the other day. We went to Nob Hill to get a few things on our way to Whole Foods to get a few other things. At the top of our list was horse radish - with Passover coming up, those gefilte fish will need something to add flavor. Nob Hill carries Silver Spring organic horse radish - great stuff - not only is it organic, but it tastes great and has a nice kick to it.

Lucky us - it was on sale - a clearance sale though. We panicked a bit, thinking they were going to stop carrying it and thought "let's get a couple of bottles." Then we looked at the expiration date to make sure it would last long enough..

Bzzzt, wrong answer. The newest bottle on the shelf expired April 3 (that would have expired last week). There were a bunch from last October (six months ago). But the winner was this one:

Wowsers! Nearly a year old. I guess we know why Nob Hill had it on clearance, Ethel and I were the only ones who ever bought it (I'm going to go on a limb and guess that they knew it had all expired when they put it on clearance and were just hoping no one else would notice)

Tree-be-gone

2008-03-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

It's sort of like the old Reeses Peanut Butter Cup advertisements - the "you got chocolate on my peanut butter, you got peanut butter on my chocolate" ones - except with silicon and pine needles.

Mark Vargas installs a crapload of solar cells on his house and then tells his neighbors Richard Treanor and Carolynn Bissett "your trees are shading my solar cells, you need to cut them down. And sadly, he wins.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that Mr. Vargas installed solar cells on his home. It's a noble gesture on his part. And he apparently drives an electric car. And you gave $250 to the Arbor Day Foundation, you rock. Bravo.

But, really, your house apparently has five bedrooms (amusingly enough, zillow.com thinks you only have three, who is right - are you cheating on your taxes Mr. Vargas?). Do you really need that many? The Brady Bunch got by with four bedrooms and there were nine people living in the house.

Have you considered going after whomever installed your solar panels and asking them what they were thinking by installing the panels near trees which would obviously grow one day? Perhaps you and your installer knew this going an and also knew that the law would be on your side?

On the other hand, there's Richard and Carolynn. You're to be commended - you've shelled out $37,000 to protect your trees. But your house is worth over $1M according to zillow.com, so maybe you've got the money. One thing I was wondering though - you're concerned for the environment - what's with the lawn? It looks like you've got quite the well-manicured lawn there. What're you watering it with? If you really cared about the environment, wouldn't you have something just a bit more eco-friendly?

Name that Infraction!

2008-03-24T21:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome everyone to the first episode of "name that infraction." You'll be presented with pictures of assorted cars in, shall we say, compromising positions. Your task will be to name the infraction. Be warned, some of the infractions are less obvious than others. Are you ready to start?

Ok, here's your first candidate...

The clock is ticking. This one is easy, come on, you can do it. Think. You can do it.. The yellow thing in the picture - that's key.

Right! Good job. That car is parked too close to the fire hydrant.

Ok, let's move on to the second infraction.. Are we ready? Ok, here goes..

No, don't worry, just think for a minute. Something is familiar in this picture. Think, what is it? Yes! It's the yellow thing again!

That's right, this car is also parked too close to a fire hydrant. And if you look really carefully, you can actually see the front of the car from the first question (the Ford Escape Hybrid - allegedly owned by the wife of the owner of Jon R Crase Construction) - does she ha

Congrats, you're two for two. Let's try something a little more challenging, ok? Here goes..

This is a tough one, I know. But you can figure it out. Work with me.. Come on, you can do it.. It's there, on the tip of your tongue. Think colors. Think red this time though. Get it??

Yes! Congratulations, you got another one right!! This car is parked in front of a red curb. Red curbs are red for a reason, you're not supposed to park in front of them (you're not surprised, are you?)

Ok boys and girls, one more. Here goes. Ready?

Come on, after the other three, this one is a cakewalk. Yes! Wonderful!! You're right again! This car is parked in front of a red curb too. You knew - you can't have any part of your car in front of a red curb.

Congratulations, you did great! Let's try one more, ok? This one is harder than all of the others.

Ready? Ok, here goes. For all the marbles, name the infraction!

No, don't give up? Think about it.. What could be wrong here. Is this car parked wrong? No, that's not it (I don't think so anyway - it's in a guest parking spot, I assume it belongs to a guest. Think. What could it be. Look at the picture again. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you look at it?

It's ugly. Yes! That's it, exactly. You hit the nail on the head! This car is just freaking ugly. And what makes it truly amazing is that this is a special edition car. That's right non-car-buffs. Someone actually paid extra for this. Porsche says it goes for nearly $75,000. Can you imagine that - paying $75,000 for a car that you can really only drive on Halloween? Yo, babe, trick or treat!

Check Please!

2008-03-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

I have a CD at Wells Fargo that was going to mature this week, so I popped in over the weekend to ask them to automatically roll them over. Seemed pretty easy - "Hi, I'm Milton Dorkenhoff, can I have my CD automatically rolled over, it matures on Wednesday?

And it was. We discussed the ever declining interest rate (hey, thanks Bush Administration, are you sure the economy is doing well? And where's my $300? I want to go buy some crappy "Made in China" electronics), and she told me that she would roll my CD over at whatever the current rate was on Wednesday.

Fast-forward to Wednesday.. My cell phone rings, it's her.

Her: Hi, this is Bertha at Wells Fargo, I'm calling about your CD that is maturing today
Me: Yes, I know. I stopped by and asked that it be rolled over automatically
Her: You did? Who did you talk to?
Me: You
Her: Really? Hmm.. Oh, right, here it is, I'm sorry
Me: Uhm, sure.
Her: Ok, I think we're set then.

WTF Bertha! What was the point of my stopping by if you were just going to forget that I was there anyway?

Bush Whacked

2008-03-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

Religious zealots help me out here. Assorted versions of the bible say that we should "do to others what you would have them do to you." President Bush just vetoed the bill banning the CIA's use of torture. Senator McCain - did you hear that? President Bush endorses you, but he wouldn't be against torturing you if he thought (dramatic pause) it would make America safer for his well to do friends. A "thank you Mr. President but no thank you" might be in order here.

Here's a thought. Everyone who thinks torture is actually ok let themselves be subject to some of it - a little waterboarding, maybe some electrocution, maybe even a bit of sensory deprivation. Afterwards, if you still think it's ok, then you get to torture someone else. Sound like a plan?

Cat Scratch Fever

2008-03-06T05:06:00.000-08:00

I was reading a story - this lady had a couple of cats and they were destroying her furniture with their claws. Like many people she decided the solution was to have the cats declawed.

Stupid lady. They call it declawing, but it's really "cutting off their toes" - sounds less pleasant, doesn't it? It reminded me of something a friend of a friend said one night - "they use a laser, so it's ok." Right. Lasers make it ok. It's part of their foot; it's not ok (but getting them fixed is, hmmm). Maybe you should get a goldfish instead.

It reminded me of a movie - not a favorite, but one that will be forever burned in my mind, much like when Ray first appeared legless in ER.

Ho Hum[mer]

2008-03-02T08:32:00.001-08:00

A picture's worth 1000 words...

Good bye Silicon Valley Hummer, we'll miss you. Ok, we won't. Exxon will though.

Sears'd

2008-02-28T06:37:00.000-08:00

Sears, oy.. Last week 4 large boxes showed up on our front porch, so I called Sears to schedule an appointment. Their voicemail system said I already had one. Wow - is that great or what. They probably tracked the parts via UPS and proactively set up an appointment for me. Ten points for doing that, you're on your way to winning the house cup.

But you lose the points, because you didn't actually ever tell me that was when the appointment was, you left it to me to call and find out.

The repair man arrived - it seems that all Sears repairmen smoke and have wired cellphone headsets. Or maybe it's just the ones they send to my house. Anyway, he arrived, and went right to work, banging away in the garage. For two hours he banged away.

And then he was done. Quite proud of his work he was. My washer will be silent (I wonder if that includes the buzzer) he said.

Then he gave me the bill.

Parts: $575
Labor: $120
Total Cost: $695
Warranty covering it all: Priceless

You have to wonder though. I only paid $650 for the washing machine.

iSpeculate

2008-02-26T06:28:00.000-08:00

It seems everyone is speculating about what Apple is going to announce next. Will it be an SDK for the iPhone, will it be a better MacBook Air - signed by Michael Jordan maybe?

No, it won't be any of that. They are going to announce the newest member of the iPod family, the iLash. It works like the Sansa Shaker - using subtle flicks of the wrist for changing tracks and volume. As always, Apple innovation shines through - the iLash uses kinetic energy for charging; a couple of violent thrashes are all it takes for hours of pleasure.

Clapper

2008-02-21T18:36:00.000-08:00

I was flipping through Popular Science this morning and came across a story about the "PC Clapper" - just like the original Clapper, but for your PC. I had to check it out (I'm like that).

It's super cool! The installation was a snap (there was none, the best kind!) It took a couple of attempts to find a working microphone, but once I did, I was off and clapping. I set it up so one clap brings up my email, two brings up the Google, and three brings up stock quotes!

I'm sure the neighbors are wondering what I'm clapping about :)

(note to self: a couple of good sneezes apparently sound like a single clap!)

Veni, Vidi, Vindication

2008-02-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

The Sears man came back to look at my washing machine this morning. This time I was prepared.

It started much like the last visit - he came to the door, I showed him where the washing machine was. He asked what was wrong, I said it leaked, he played with the dial and went through some of the cycles.

But I was prepared (did I mention that - I'm such the boy scout) Over the weekend, we did a bunch of laundry and I made videos of it leaking! Yup, that's right, I stuck a USB camera inside the machine (not in the tub) and filmed the leak. Many times in fact.

When it didn't leak for "the man" I said "it won't leak until 43 minutes into the cycle; why don't I get the video and show you." And that's exactly what I did - I took out my computer and showed him the leak, starting at 43 minutes, getting worse for the next couple of minutes, and then stopping.

He watched the video, and then said "ahh, the main seal is leaking" (I think he might've said "I don't know how long she'll hold up Captain" with a Scottish accent as well), and proceeded to tighten the various bolts and reseat the dilithium crystals.

Cool beans, I was thinking, maybe it'll be fixed. He said "if it still leaks, call me" just like last week's contestant. But this guy gave me his cell phone number! Holy crap - what service! Before he could finish writing his cell number, the spin cycle started and he got this "oh damn" look on his face - apparently the "washing machine" noise that I've always heard was a bad bearing. Bad bearings put pressure on main seals, cause leaks, etc.

So Sears man will be coming back when the parts arrive, it's apparently a "two man job" - maybe he'll bring the jerk from last week.

Comcast, Progress?

2008-02-12T18:28:00.000-08:00

Finally, after over three months, I've gotten some sort of response from Comcast regarding "the case of the disappearing channels." Sadly, it wasn't worth the bits it was written with. The reply went something like this:

We're sorry it took so long to get back to you. I've talked with assorted people here at Comcast and can assure you that we are under no obligation to notify you about channel reassignments from one tier to another.

Ahh, marketing people, that was slick. "From one tier to another" - that would be "from analog to digital" presumably. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. But, not only did you change the tier, but you change the channel positions. And that, my friend, is exactly what the FCC says you need to notify me in writing about.

Upon pointing this out, I received a "we'll need to research this with our lawyers."

Fast-forward 10 days or so, another email shows up - asking if I had only received voicemail messages about the changes.

Doh! Where have you been? What do you think this is about? Read my blog, sheesh. No, actually, don't read it, I say mean things about you.

Yes, that is correct, I am complaining and trying to get my local government after you because you only left me voicemail messages and didn't notify me in writing at least 30 days before you changed my channel lineup.

Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself? Is this a strategy - wear me down? Ha! It won't work. I've got the law (and cut/paste to resend things) on my side!

Mitt Quit, Current Events

2008-02-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

It seems like I'm always the last to find these things out. I had no idea that Mitt quit. I don't really care that he did, I just like saying "Mitt quit" because it rhymes :)

Seriously though, I was just about to get started on a map showing which candidate won which state. I figured I could put a dollar sign in each state that Mitt one; a cross in each state that Mike Huckabee won, and for John McCain, maybe a picture of Bruce Willis from Die Hard (McClane, McCain, close enough). Right, I left out Rudy Giuliani. Sort of a no-brainer - that'd be a silhouette of the World Trade Center..

On the other side of the campaign trail, the left lane as it were, the more traditional gender symbols seem appropriate for Hillary and Barack.

Oh well. On to new and exciting topics..

I saw that Condi paid a surprise visit to the troops in Baghdad today. I thought "how nice." But then I thought.. Why a surprise visit. If everything is so peachy keen there, why wouldn't she make a scheduled visit there. Well? I'm waiting...

On a related note, apparently Al-Qaeda is now training children. Good to know the President's "No Child Left Behind" program is working somewhere in the world.

1-800-4-MY-HOME

2008-02-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

Update: I looked around some online. Apparently I'm not so special, Sears just sucks when it comes to customer service.

A few months back, our washing machine developed a small leak - somewhere on the inside, water seemed to come from the right-rear leg. It didn't always leak, and it wasn't a lot of water, but I called Sears anyway (it's under warranty).

The lady who answered the phone was not too helpful - she asked where it was leaking from - underneath, I said. She asked if it could be the hoses - maybe, I don't know, I said. So we agreed that I would check the hoses and then call back with what I found..

Fast forward a couple of months - I checked the hoses and none seem to be leaking. And worse, the leak is getting pretty serious. So I called Sears again to schedule an appointment (still under warranty). They're a fun bunch, those call center people. The call went sort of like this:

Her: The earliest appointment is between 8am and 4pm on Monday
Me: That's fine, can you give me a four hour window?
Her: That was
Me: Uhm, 8 to 4 is an eight hour window
Her: Oh, right, sorry, 8am to noon.
Me: Ok.
Her: The technician will call before he comes; if you don't answer, he'll assume you're not there and you'll need to reschedule:
Me: If he calls before 8 and I'm not here, why would he assume I wasn't here; the appointment is for 8 to 12, I think I can be elsewhere until 8.
Her: No.
Me: Fine, he can call my cell number, I'm always "there"

Phew. That was rough.

Today was the appointment. At 9:30AM, the doorbell rang; it was the Sears guy - early (sort of), but no phone call. Apparently they don't do that for the first stop of the day - someone should share that with the woman who answers the phone.

I showed him to the washing machine. He pulled the top off and shined his flashlight around. Then he pulled the front panel off and did some more shining. Then he turned it on, spun the dial a few times, watched water flow in and out, and pronounced it "working fine."

I explained that it doesn't happen right away, and doesn't happen always, but that I had pictures. He said "maybe it's the seal, keep watching it, if it leaks, call back" - that's sort of how we ended up where we are right now. He pointed out that he couldn't sit with me for 2 hours while I did my laundry. I asked if he would be available if I called in 2 hours when it was leaking, he said no - kind of defeats the purpose of my watchng it leak, no?

I went upstairs and got my camera with the pictures to show him. He looked at the first picture and said "that couldn't come from the washing machine."

Uhm, really. What did it come from? Did it come out of the wall? Did it come from the dryer? "No, probably not." Did it come from the hoses? I checked them and they were dry. "I don't know where it came from, but it didn't come from the washing machine, it's not leaking now."

There you have it - it's not leaking now, therefore it never was. That's what service is all about.

Shopping for a clue

2008-02-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

For a computer project I'm working on, I needed a cable - a 44-pin IDE cable, to attach a notebook drive to a motherboard. When I set out to find it, I thought it'd be easy - lots of places sell notebook drives, a bunch of motherboards have connectors for them. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The first stop in my journey was at Frys - the home of everything. I looked through all of the drive cables they had and couldn't find one. If I needed something that glowed in the dark, I was set, but nothing with 44 pins (only 40 for those that are counting). I asked a sales clerk, thinking maybe they were elsewhere. Rather than helping, he told me I couldn't possibly need the cable - sure, notebooks drives have 44 pins, but you can't plug that int a motherboard. Is that what they teach salespeople these days - the customer is wrong, make sure to point it out?

Moving right along, I went to a different Frys. They had the same selection - lots of glow in the dark cables, cables that lit up, cables that would bear your first born. But no 44 pin cables. I threw caution into the wind and asked a sales lady for help. I told her what I wanted and her eyes lit up, she knew what it was. She led me around the corner and gave me an adapter to go from 44 pins to 40 pins. Doh! Does "cable" sound like "adapter"? I picked up a cable, showed it to her and said "like this, but with 44 pins on each end instead of 40." Alas, she was a graduate of the same school as the other Fry Guy, she told me I wouldn't need something like that.

Giving up on the stores, I hit the Internets (one of them, I think it was number 8).

The first place I found was Central Computers - they've got a couple of stores nearby, I figured maybe one of them had it. I called the Sunnyvale store and asked the guy who answered the phone whether they had this cable. He quickly said yes. I didn't trust him, so I said "are you sure? I'm looking for a cable to connect a notebook drive..." He stood by his answer..

Then I realized the Santa Clara store was closer, so I called them. Larry (his real name) answered the phone. I asked him if they had the cable. He said no. I said "bummer, your store is closer than the Sunnyvale one, I didn't want to drive up there." He said "they wouldn't have it either, we don't carry things like this." But Curly (made up name, seems to fit in nicely with "Larry") said they had it in Sunnyvale.

So I called Curly back. "Hi, I called a few minutes ago and asked about the 44-pin IDE cable, you said you had them." He agreed. I explained "but Larry at the Santa Clara store said you wouldn't, none of your stores carry them." Curly thought for a minute, then said "wait, you said 44-pin IDE cable? Oh, we don't have them." But you told me you did when I called a few minutes ago.. "I thought you meant a different cable." Curly, you suck.. 'nuff said.

The next (and last) place I called was kinda funny too. I started by asking "Are you a retail store?" And the saleswoman said "yes." I asked "do you happen to have a 44-pin IDE cable to attach a notebook drive ..." She said "oh, we're not really a retail store, but we could order it for you if you want." Doh.. Did you train with Curly?

I gave up and just ordered the damned thing online, can't wait to see what I end up with..

Cruisin'

2008-01-28T20:10:00.000-08:00

Ethel and I just got back from our vacation/honeymoon. We took a cruise on the Queen Mary 2 from New York City to the Caribbean and back. It was an incredible trip - we sailed out of Brooklyn and met the Queen Elizabeth 2 and the Queen Victoria next to the Statue of Liberty (first/last time in history the three ships will sail out of port together), then continued southward.

We'd been on the Queen Mary 2 before, so we more or less knew what to expect - an elegant causal atmosphere during the days, and formal/semi-formal evenings. We couldn't have been more wrong. I don't want to sound smug, but at least half of the passengers on the ship were best characterized as "white trash."

Take, for example, Foal (not his real name, of course - he got this name because he walked around in Indianapolis Colts attire for much of the trip - I had started out calling him "Colt Boy" but switched to "Foal" because it's so close to "Fool").

We left on January 13, the same day as the Colts were playing the San Diego Chargers. The ship showed the game on a television in one of the bars onboard. There were 50 or so people in the bar watching it (Ethel and I included); most were refined, just watching. Not Foal. No, definitely not. He was jumping up and down, swearing at the TV. Before coming to the bar, I don't think many people cared who won the game, but Foal managed to turn everyone into Chargers fans; the power of negative reinforcement in action.

The crew was stressing hygiene. Everywhere you went where there was food, there were soap dispensers and/or crew with portable soap bottles trying to squirt soap into your hands. On the one hand, it was very reassuring. But on the other hand, it was utterly pointless. They were trying to avoid an outbreak of norovirus - a noble cause. But it's norovirus, not norobacteria, so I can't imagine an antibacterial soap would have any effect.

As the saying goes, "my hands were clean." But it didn't matter. So many other people weren't, it was nigh impossible not to be exposed to whatever everyone else brought on board. One man was totally disgusting. I saw him at the juice machine. He drank the last bits in his water bottle, and then shoved his bottle under the spigot from the machine, touching it, and started to refill the bottle.

I cringed when I saw this, which he for some reason understood to mean "can I get in there and fill my glass with your backwash?" and offered to move aside for me. I said "no, that's disgusting" and said I saw his bottle touch the spigot. He denied it. I said I saw it, and he responded by apologizing. Well, an apology, that'll work. Yes, I see all of the germs dying now thanks to your apology.

Thankfully, there were many other places to eat and many gorgeous islands to get off the ship at so we didn't have to spend too much time hanging with the huddled masses yearning to share their germs.

On the Debate

2008-01-07T19:54:00.000-08:00

Ethel and I watched the ABC Facebook Debate the other night. I didn't quite get the whole facebook part of it. I guess if I got off my ass and looked at the URL they mentioned it would have made more sense, but that's not really the point of watching TV, is it..

We didn't bother watching the Republicans. The only Republican candidate we really care about is Fred Thompson, in Law & Order reruns.

The Democrats, that's where the meat is.. Bill Richardson scared me. He's the epitome of American glut. I can't see voting for him. What's with the hair Bill - was that a toupe? If it wasn't, you might want to get one, it'd look more realistic.

And would you stop banging the table under the microphone? Please? Yes, we're all excited about you and the things you've done. Note, however, that even when asked about your plans, you focussed on things you had done in the past. That's nice, but it doesn't answer the question, not directly anyway. It answers it indirectly though - in the future, when asked a question, you will answer a different one. That would put you on par with our current administration (hint: that's not good).

John (Edwards).. I'm not sure what to think about you. You seemed sincere, but you also seemed to be Barack's wingman, not really standing on your own. Did you guys plan that, or is it just how it worked out? It's almost like you've decided he's going to win the nomination and you're sucking up to be VP already. Don't worry, if he wins, I'm sure he'll choose you (choosing Hillary would mean two firsts should the party win, that's a bit of a stretch, no?)

Barack/Hillary.. I don't know. I wish I could vote for both of you. Wait, I can. Is it too late to register in Florida?

I'll have the botchulism burger please

2008-01-03T19:36:00.000-08:00

The regular grill guy is still on vacation, but he seems to have trained his assistant well. I had the grill special today in the cafeteria - it was a meatball sub more or less.

While GrillBoy was grilling my roll, a guy came up behind me in line. He asked for a hamburger. GrillBoy went back to the refrigerator and pulled out a patty and threw it on the grill, then proceeded to take my roll off the grill, with the same gloved hand he had just touched the burger with.

No way! I can just about feel the e-coli coming on now!

2007-12-28T16:05:00.000-08:00

I took the light rail again today. I should do it more often. It's always an adventure. A man was sleeping across the aisle from me when I boarded. A few stops later, he woke up, dazed and confused. He looked around, and then said "What the fuck." And then he said "What the fuck." And then he said (are you surprised?) "What the fuck."

Seriously, that was all he said. Repeatedly. What the fuck, how about some variety? Maybe "Shit, how did I end up down here!" Or "Damn, no more tequila for me." Nope, just "what the fuck" over and over again.

A couple of signs on the train caught my eye though:

On the left, a list of things I can't do, including eating and drinking. On the right, a plea, recycle things you've brought on the train, including beverage cups and soda cans.

Uhm, how's that work? I can't eat or drink on the train, but if I am eating or drinking, I should recycle my waste. Yeah, ok, got it.

Fly Away

2007-12-28T15:58:00.000-08:00

I popped in to a Peet's Coffee this morning. It's not a mistake I'll be making again in the future. Steaming vanilla soy latte in hand, I found a seat by a window so I could watch the world stroll by, but instead of seeing the world, I saw countless generations of dead flies:

Yum. Pity, the coffee was good.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!

2007-12-28T10:44:00.001-08:00

Ethel told me that the way to tell whether someone in Europe is an American tourist is by their footwear - they're the ones wearing white sneakers. I decided I didn't want to look like an American anymore, not until after the next election anyway, so I bought a new pair of shoes.

I looked long and hard, and found a really cool pair. They're totally stylin' (thanks Urban Dictionary). And, get this, they're environmentally friendly. The soles are even made from old tires! It was like ~~Hanukah~~ ~~Chanukah~~ ~~חנוכה~~ Hanukkah all over again this morning when the UPS man showed up.

Merry Christmas Willy

2007-12-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

I wasn't always a crazy cat lady. Willy and her siblings started it. Here's a shot of Willy I took earlier today:

Willy's mother (Mrs. Weber) was living under the grill in our backyard (get it? that's where the name comes from). We started feeding her so she would stop crapping in our flowers. The theory was that a cat won't crap where it eats. The theory held water. What the theory doesn't tell you is that a happy, well fed cat will give birth to a littler of adorable kittens.

In Mrs. Weber's case, the kittens were Ping, Pong, Willy and Ling Ling. Like most (all?) kittens, they were adorable. We used to spend hours watching them splayed out in the backyard, like lions on a savanna (ok, not hours, probably only minutes), or fighting over who gets to be in the hammock (Ling Ling always won).

After we moved, I would go back and feed them, but eventually new people moved in. It's nice to know that someone is taking care of the cats (though Willy looks like she could use a brushing :)

Frosty the Snowman

2007-12-20T05:16:00.000-08:00

I was watching Frosty last night and saw a couple of things worth noting:

Even back in 1969 when the cartoon was made, people were ignoring global warming. You can tell because Frosty says that the North Pole is the only place he can go to avoid melting. We all know (most of us anyway, hint hint) that even the North Pole isn't immune to its effects. Frosty's destined to be a cloud of Christmas steam.
The song goes:Publish Post
...
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"
...
There you have it, the origin of society's belief that traffic laws don't need to be obeyed.

Maybe it's time for a newer, better Frosty. One who is not ignorant of the world around him, or the law. And while we're redoing him, let's lose the corn cob pipe, and maybe go with "two eyes made out of tofu"?

FCC U L8R

2007-12-20T04:14:00.000-08:00

Doh! I called the FCC to follow up on the complaint I filed against Comcast. Boy, was that fun. After lots of trial and error in their phone system, my call was answered by a woman who probably shouldn't have been answering phones.

Me: I'm following up on a complaint I filed last month
Her: When did you file it? We ask people to wait 45 days
Me: Six weeks ago, 42 days, close enough, no?
Her: What's the reference number?
Me: [reads the reference number]
Her: Hold on a sec.. Let me get to the right screen.. Ok, what is it?
Me: [reads the reference number slowly]
Her: [repeats the first digit] ... ok.
Me: Arg! [reads the rest of the digits slowly]
Her: Ok, what's the problem?
Me: Comcast remove channels and failed to give me the necessary notice?
Her: They don't have to give you notice
Me: Sure they do, your web page says so
Her: I have a note here that says they don't.
Me: Where is it on your web site? I believe what I read online sooner than a post-it note on your desk.
Her: Where online did you see it?
Me: The FCC web site
Her: Where?
Me: [it took three tries to spell out an eight digit number, what will a URL be like!] Let me look it up
Her: ok.
Me: I found it - it's rule number 76.1603.
Her: Let me look it up [lots of muttering, apparent inability to "numerical order"]. Ok, I found it.
Her: This doesn't apply in your situation
Me: Why not - it says they can't change the lineup without 30 days written notice and they did just that.
Her: It doesn't. They don't have to give you notice
Me: It seems to spell it out pretty clearly?
Her: Let me find someone who can explain it better
Me: [better? that would imply you've explained it!]

After a brief pause, a new person came on the phone who first attempted to convince me that Comcast might have notified me in writing via some mechanism other than writing, possily something broadcast on one of their channels. I questioned whether anyone at the FCC, in looking into my complaint had contacted Comcast to see if that was in fact the case.

Rather than answer (which I think means "we didn't look into it"), she pointed me to 76.309 which states pretty clearly (it's a government document, so clarity isn't a goal) that it is up to my local cable franchise authority (city government) to enforce this issue.

I explained that I was aware of that and had already spoken with them but they were not able to help and that another FCC person I spoke with said I should file my complaint with them and make a note that the local government was not able to do anything.

She explained that this other FCC person was wrong, that they were not able to help me (which was, I've since learned, a crock of shit because there are instances where the FCC will act against a cable provider - DA-061587 is a perfect example) - I'm just not important enough.

So in this matter, I've talked with three government officials (FCC), and two of them told me completely incorrect information, and one was correct but left out relevant pieces of information. That's my tax dollars at work. I'd like my money back now please.

Mis-Steaks have been made

2007-12-19T18:43:00.000-08:00

Sheesh, does it end.. The cafeteria today featured some sort of Philly Cheesesteak derivative. Instead of thinly sliced bits of meat, they used flank steak, thickly sliced, with the grain. People, please. If you slice it with the grain, then you force me to attempt to bite through it against the grain. That's just not pretty. Slice it against the grain. Here's a resource that explains it all.

I brought it to the attention of the manager, expecting to be telling him something he didn't already know. I was wrong. He knew! But apparently he hadn't shared this tidbit of info with the guy who had the knife. Perhaps now he will. Right, there will be a knifing later and it will be my fault.

The funny thing is, I've fallen for this ruse before, countless times. The steak "looks" good, but upon closer look (i.e. after it's been paid for when it's on your plate), it's apparent that it's sliced the wrong way and you're left with deciding - do I just tough it out and hope I can bite through it, or do I use a knife and fork?

Every time I've gone with the "bite through it," I ended up with a slab of meat dangling from my mouth slapping against my chin. Yum.

Nothing is certain, but death

2007-12-19T05:44:00.000-08:00

I killed a man yesterday on my way to work. We were having a typical winter storm - it was cold and raining. I pulled up to a traffic light at a four-way intersection and stopped (my light was red). When it turned green, I started to go.

He came from the left, he decided he could make the light, even though it was red long before he had gotten to the intersection. He must have been in a hurry to get somewhere. When he saw me pulling into the intersection, he panicked, hit his brakes and cut his wheel hard to the left to avoid me. He avoided me, but rolled his car a bunch of times. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Seat belts and airbags can only do so much. I guess he's not going to get to wherever he was in such a hurry to go.

That's how it played out in my mind anyway. But it didn't quite happen that way. When my light turned green I started to go, but I saw him coming out of the corner of my eye and knew he wasn't going to stop for his light - it wasn't the right shade of red as my father would say. So I stopped instead and he sailed through the intersection, off to wherever he was in such a hurry to get to.

He lived, that time. But he might not be so lucky next time.

Fly, be free

2007-12-18T05:45:00.000-08:00

I took a quick trip to visit family last weekend. It was mostly uneventful (I'm speaking only of the flights), but a couple of things stick in my mind...

United Airlines lady - what's your problem? At 7:00AM, I'm really not in the mood to be berated. I arrived at 7:01 for a 7:40 flight; That's 40 minutes before the flight in my book. You didn't hear me bitching about the flight leaving an hour late, did you? Hmmm, wouldn't that mean I arrived 1:40 before the flight?

You need to lighten up a little, it's the holiday season - you know, peace on earth, good will toward man. Maybe a better career for you would be prison guard? And, no, you weren't imagining things - the lady who checked me in and I were laughing about you.

Update: United Lady Bitch - I was reading a United ticket jacket yesterday and noticed this:

It says 30 minutes not 40 minutes. You're not supposed to just make shit up, sheesh! Now you're United Lady Lying Bitch.

To the man in seat 9C, United flight 51, Dec 17, 2007. You're gross. It's just that simple.

Why would you have possibly thought it was ok to clip your nails at your seat and shoot nail bits about the cabin? It might be back home in the Ozarks, but it's not in civilization. It's just plain gross.

On that note, here's something I've been wondering about.. While a plane is taxiing after having landed, you can now pull out your cell phone (if you can do so without getting out of your seat, wink wink) and call your parole officer or whomever. Why is it that I can't also pull out my MP3 player and start listening to music? Is a cell phone somehow special?

I drink, I get drunk, I run for president.

2007-12-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry, no, I'm not buying it.

Yesterday the president came clean about his past drinking problems. I don't care. I don't care because I've become a cynic, and I see right through his ruse. He didn't bring his past problems into the public eye because he thought we should know about them, he did it in the hope that we would forget all of the crap he's gotten us into. Magicians call it slight of hand. Keep the audience distracted so they don't notice what's really going on.

I'm sorry, it's not going to work. Not for me, nor for most of the people around the world. Your legacy is not going to be "he was a drinker who found God and bettered himself." Your legacy is going to be one of death and destruction.

When the people of the world look upon your presidency, they will not see the good you've done (because it is non-existent), they will see the dead and the maimed in Iraq and Afghanistan. They will see the destruction and poverty that still haunt us (Hurricane Katrina - "heck of a job Brownie").

They will see you, standing before them, speaking of Iran and its dismantled nucular [sic] weapons program as if it still existed in much the same way as you spoke of Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction, a threat to our way of life. Bah, what threat? The only threat to our way of life is you. When you go to sleep at night, do you think about the men and women at home and abroad who gave their lives and limbs to fight in your meaningless wars, because you wanted to make a name for yourself? To see revenge against Saddam on your father's behalf?

Mr. President, if you would like to leave a legacy behind, apologize. Go before the nation and admit you were wrong. Admit there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Admit that not only is torture wrong, but that we were, in fact, torturing people, at Guantanamo, at Abu Ghraib, and at the various secret prisons scattered about Europe. Show the nations of the world that they shouldn't give up on America. Give your successor something to work with.

You say tomato...

2007-12-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, it's true. I am always ragging on the food at the cafeteria, but it's never without good reason. My tuna melt the other day didn't have any melt (cheese). When I commented on it, the grill guy gave me a "what's wrong, that's how it's supposed to be" look. "Yellow, white, or none?" are the typical cheese choices.

The salad bar at the cafeteria had this to offer today:

I can understand not finding the most flavorful tomatoes; it is winter afterall. And I'm all for eating locally grown produce, and not trucking fruits and vegetables all over the country, but this poor tomato looks like the vegetable (ok, tomatoes are fruits) equivalent of "robbing the cradle."

Barack Oh No! bama

2007-12-11T19:40:00.000-08:00

Barack, tell me it's not true. Tell me I misheard you. I didn't really hear you use a double negative when you and Oprah were in South Carolina the other day, did I? You didn't really say "didn't do nothing," did you?

Was it an honest mistake? Did you misspeak? You were under lots of pressure? I can understand that. Tell me it wasn't an attempt to fit in, to sound like one of the locals! Like Hillary in Selma? I thought you were different.

Sigh.. Rudy's looking better and better.. NOT!

Crazy Driver, part II

2007-12-10T06:34:00.000-08:00

I don't get it. What's with you people? All I want to do is walk to the Farmers Market, buy some things, and walk home. Why do you stupid drivers insist on doing stupid things in front of me? Can't you wait til I'm gone? No, apparently not. You do your stupid things, forcing me to take your picture and discuss what you did wrong with you. And in front of Ethel, sheesh.

Yesterday it was this lady. She turned the wrong way onto a one way street (a clearly marked one way street) so she could sneak into a parking lot that she would have otherwise had to go a half mile out of her way to get into. Well, that certainly justifies your deviation from the law. You saved a half mile, which would be, uhm, let's assume you get 30 miles per gallon (though the way you drive, maybe that's wrong?), 1/60 of a gallon, or 5 cents? How about if I give you the nickel and you drive in the same dirction as everyone else next time?

I should be thankful that you didn't call me an asshole like last week's winner did, huh?

The way to San José

2007-12-06T06:45:00.000-08:00

The light rail in San José (Valley Transit Authority - VTA) has never been particularly profitable. I think bumped into a poorly implemented cost-saving effort..

I was taking the Light Rail from downtown Campbell to downtown San José last night, and wanted to check the schedule online. My plan was to take the train northbound, from the Winchester station to the recently renovated Convention Center downtown. Seems simple enough. Except for some reason, their web site didn't list any northbound trains.

This problem seems to have been fixed - perhaps it was a north versus south thing - maybe a localized reenactment of the Civil War?

To confuse matters more (I was tired, many things were confusing), when I got on a train at the Winchester station, here's what the route map looked like:

In striking contrast, here's what the map looks like on the VTA site now:

See the difference? I was on the Campbell line, and yet, there was none shown on the map. If you look really closely, you can see the date on the map (my version, not theirs) - it's June 2004. That explains it. The line is only two years old, and to save money, VTA decided not to update the maps.

Let's get digital!

2007-12-06T06:25:00.000-08:00

I broke down. I'm embarrassed to say it, but I gave in and signed up for digital TV from Comcast (aka "the man"). I think I did it because I wanted the Hallmark channel back, or maybe I did it because I saw an ad for a Tivo HD ($249 at Frys) which I decided I couldn't live without (it's replacing my SnapStream BeyondTV and Hauppauge MediaMVP)

It doesn't matter why, but I did it. After many calls to Comcast, I was happy that I could get a decent plan that had the things I wanted (basic digital cable, with local channels in HD), and, most important, no cable box

The appointment was set for between noon and 4pm on Tuesday; Comcast even called to make sure someone would be home. they called three times in fact. They called on Saturday. Then they called at 11:30am on Tuesday and left a message. I called them back and confirmed. They called again at 1pm. Sheesh, you people worry too much.

CableBoy showed up at 2:30pm and we discussed his mission - install an M- CableCard™ in the Tivo, and an S- CableCard™ in my TV. Seemed straightforward to me, and to the person I scheduled the appointment with who was fluent in CableCard™-speak. But not so with CableBoy.

He had never seen a TivoHD, so he didn't believe that it could operate both digital tuners with a single M- CableCard™. I showed him the Tivo documentation. Nope, not a believer. I told him the "M" meant multi-stream. Nothing still. So he called his colleague - characterized as the Tivo HD "Subject Matter Expert." The SME confirmed what I said, but pointed out that I couldn't get OnDemand nor Pay-Per-View (BFD).

Alas, CableBoy only had S-cards with him (he refered to them as "the green ones"), no M-cards ("the pink ones"). SME pointed out that there were two slots in my Tivo, so two S-cards would work fine. Yes, they would, but, as I pointed out, I'd then be paying for a third card; at $1.79/month, it adds up, so CableBoy got a timeout and sat in his truck until a colleague with "the pink ones" arrived.

Installation started with CableBoy testing the cable that went from my surge protector to the TV/Tivo (through a splitter). He decided, I guess, that he didn't like what he saw, because he installed his own splitter, bypassing my surge protector completely.

The rest of the install was fine, apart from a mistyped ID somewhere that initially prevented the M-card from pairing. CableBoy tested the encrypted channels on the Tivo, they worked fine. I asked him to test the ones on the TV, he said "they won't work." Why, I asked (like a two year old?). He said "because the TV needs a cable box for that." Err, isn't that why we put a CableCard™ in there? He gave in and tuned the TV to channel 702, and magically it worked.

As he was packing up to leave, I asked him about the splitter he had installed. He said it was necessary. I pointed out that it now bypassed my surge protector. He said that wasn't a problem, the cable was grounded outside (didn't inspire confidence). I asked what was wrong with my surge protector. He said "you can't have anything between the cable and our device (the CableCard™).

I was going to point out that a mere 8 feet below him, in the white box on the garage wall was a big freaking amplifier that was effectively sitting between "the cable" and his device, but thought that would make him cry, so I let him off easy - Merry Christmas CableBoy.

Safe car, unsafe driver

2007-12-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

This guy was too funny. In the distance, you can see a traffic light at an intersection. This guy was coming from the left, planning on turning on the road he's now parked on.

The light was red, so rather than stopping at the light and then turning right on red (or the more traditional, brief pause at the light and then turning without looking), he just cut through the parking lot; in one driveway and out the other.

But then he pulled over and parked, in front of the garage door and another exit from the same parking lot. Duh! Idiot. Right, it's a Volvo, that's Swedish for "The rules don't apply to me."

I suggested he move his car to avoid getting a ticket (I was going to call the police :), he said "no one is going to use this driveway." Correct, no one is going to use it because your car is blocking it.

Rather than call the police right away, I took his picture - demonstrating he's a more mature person, he didn't chase after me and beat the crap out of me; instead he just called me an asshole, and then got in his car and moved it :)

Paint By Numbers

2007-11-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

Over the Thanksgiving break, Ethel and I decided to do a few things around the house. The first item on our list was touching up the paint around the house - there were a few scratches here and there and lots of cat paw prints.

The builders left us a quart of the paint they used - Kelly-Moore 450-20 Western Acoustic (that brings to mind gunfights and cattle rustling, no?), but it had rust in it, so we took a drive to the local Kelly-Moore store.

We walked into the store and to the counter and waited patiently for someone to offer to help us. After a short wait, the sales guy came over - Painter Boy, or PB for short. I want to characterize the salesperson there as incompetent, but he wasn't. He was just lazy. Probably the son of the owner now that I think about it.

The conversation went like this:

PB: Can I help you (with sort of a "what now?" intonation)
Me: I need a can of 450-20 Western Acoustic
PB: 450 has been discontinued
Me: The number? Hmm.. Ok, do you have anything like it?
PB: No, nothing that will match
Me: What does the number mean?
PB: 450 means it's for contractors.
Me: Seriously? Don't you mix colors?
PB: Yes, but it wouldn't match
Me: [thinking he must not be very good at mixing if it doesn't match] Hmm.. Why not?
PB: Because it's different
Me: I realize that, how is it different?
PB: It just is
Me: Is it a texture thing?
PB: No, it's just different. All paints are different
Me: So 450 was discontinued. Was it replaced by something?
PB: Yes, either 550 or 1050, but they won't match, they're different
Me: What's the difference between them?
PB: 1050 is the contractors version
Me: Sounds kind of like the 450, no? Can I get a quart of that?
PB: No, it only comes in gallons
Me: What about the 550?
PB: That comes in quarts
Me: Can I have one?
PB: Oh, ok

All the while, I kept turning to Ethel wondering what it was I had done to elicit such utter stupidity from him. Once in a while, I will say or do something that triggers a bad reaction in someone - just like with the gate guy actually.

Ethel did a nice job touching things up (my job was to make sure the cats didn't get too close to the wet paint) - we should have Painter Boy to see if he can find the non-matching spots.

Ewww! Gross!!

2007-11-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, people, let's role play for a bit.

Imagine you work at a fast food restaurant. You're responsible for making sandwiches. You're wearing those plastic gloves for a reason. It's called hygiene (pronounced "Hi Jean"). When the register lady has problems, you're allowed to help, but you really, really need to take off your gloves and put on a clean pair when you're done helping and go back to making sandwiches. You never know what I did with the money that I gave you.

Scenario Two. Imagine you're a customer walking through a farmers market. There are many stands around you with many wonderful looking foods. Some of the stands even have samples. If you look closely, you might even see tongs for selecting the samples. Use them. Wait! Don't take me so literally. Use them for selecting the sample, don't use them for putting the samples in your mouth. Try this - select a sample, pick it up with tongs, drop it into your other hand, insert it into your mouth. Seems reasonable, no?

Consider the alternative - select a sample, pick it up with the tongs, deposit it in your mouth. See the problem? Wretch, wretch. But fear not, you're not alone, turns out there are people even more disgusting than you around. Let's move on to the final scenario.

Scenario Three. We never officially met. You were filling your cup with water from the tap; I was getting silverware and a napkin for use with my nigh-lunch (grill guy - you never cease to disappoint me - it's grilled cheese, how can you possibly screw that up too!). With your right hand, you were holding your cup under the faucet. With your left, you were picking your nose. Yes, you were picking your nose. Call it "scratching an itch" if you like, the reality was that you were picking your nose.

Maybe you thought no one noticed. Maybe you thought I often gagged when selecting silverware. You were wrong on both counts. The reality is that more often than not, people don't sit at the water faucet and pick their fucking noses. They know better.

'nuff said.

O' Canada

2007-11-15T20:19:00.001-08:00

Oh, Canada, neighbor to the north, what the hell were you thinking?

Every once in a while a story catches my eye that's just too amazing for words. The story of Robert Dziekanski was one such story. Robert was a 40 year old man from Poland. Last month, he took his first plane flight, from Poland to Canada, to see his mother who lives in British Columbia.

Somehow, Robert didn't end up connecting with his mother and ended up stuck in the arrivals area, for 10 hours. Robert didn't speak English, and no one there spoke Polish. Robert was upset (not surprisingly really). Eventually the police were called.

Taking a page out of the University of Florida police handbook the RCMP tasered Robert, repeatedly. Robert died. He never got to see his mother. She never got to see her son.

Again, Canada, what the hell were you thinking? Haven't you learned nothing from watching all of the senseless violence that goes on here to your south? I guess you did actually. First, the police said Robert fought them, but as the video demonstrated, he didn't. You learned that from us, right - denial of the facts.

So here's the deal. I was thinking about heading up to BC to see some of the Olympics, but now I'm not going to. Until I see/hear/read about an apology from you to Robert's mother (put it up on YouTube so everyone can see it), I'm going to boycott everything Canadian - Molson, Hockey, etc. If it comes from there, it's not welcome here.

Dear Senator Feinstein and Friends

2007-11-15T06:34:00.000-08:00

What could you possibly be thinking - immunity from prosecution. You represent me. It was through my vote and the votes of others like me that you arrived in office. You are supposed to be voting in favor of measures I'm in favor of and against those that I am against. That's why I helped to elect you, because I thought you stood for the same values I stood for.

Was I wrong? The government went to the nation's telephone companies and said "give us your data." The telcos said "oh, ok, sure, here you go." That's wrong. The Statue of Liberty says "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free..." It doesn't say "Give me your tired, your poor, those yearning to have their personal communications illegally shared. Why should they get immunity - because they were coerced by the government into providing the information? Perhaps the government should be added to the pending lawsuits!

Are you the same congress who ripped Jerry Yang a new one a few weeks back because Yahoo!® shared private information with the Chinese government that led to the imprisonment of Shi Tao? How is this different? Because we are us and they are them? The word of the day is hypocrite; as in "you are a hypocrite and should be ashamed of yourself."

The Orgasmatron 2000

2007-11-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

Ethel and I hit the mall yesterday in search of some pre-Thanksgiving bargains. Along the way, we stopped in a Brookstone to see if they carried a remote for our Roomba (kind of cheesy that it came without one, and our Logitech Harmony doesn't seem to control it). We didn't find a remote, but we did find an OSIM iGallop.

Wow! This is exercise? It didn't look like something that should have been out in the middle of the; it seemed a better fit behind a curtain somewhere, with an employee out front checking the IDs of people who wanted to see it.

We wanted to take a closer look at it, but a woman ~~had mounted it~~ was trying it out (while her husband longingly looked on) and much like a dog with a bone, she didn't look like she was going to be letting go of it anytime soon.

According to CNN

2007-11-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

According to a CNN poll, 40% of all Americans are morons. Another one percent are complete morons. People, people, what are you thinking? The president is doing a good job? Where do you get your news? Right, Fox News, I knew that.

Maybe the survey questions were confusing? Maybe when the pollster asked "Is President Bush doing a good job?" you thought the question was "Is President Bush doing a good job at covering his ass?"

Right, he's made America safe from terrorists, so all of the people who've lost their homes can sleep better (under the bridge down the road, on the park bench covered in newspaper) knowing that they're not likely to get dirty bombed anytime soon.

Do you think he's setting a good example for your kids? Does little Billy Joe say he wants to grow up and be president?

If I can find the phone number for you, will you call CNN and apologize and tell them you misunderstood the question?

Felix's Secret

2007-11-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

Felix entrusted me with his secret, but we had a falling out, so I'm outting him:

Dear .
Please help me l'm in serious problem now and i preffer you as foreigner to standby me as my relations or partner outside Africa to be in good relationship with honesty.

I hope you will never betray me at last, My most required concern is for you to recognised me as your best friend while establishing a long lasting relationship for our future.

Since the assassination of my late father by unknown gunmen, my life has been uncomfortable here in my country, and also because my uncle who is called Alex is very wicked and is trying to claim most of my father’s local valuable properties and bank accounts in my country since after my father’s burial. I am contacting you because my late father warned to be careful about him in the letter he left for me. So my dear, i want to explain my secret to you and i don’t want any other person in my country or elsewhere to hear about this my father secrets . This is because I wouldn’t want anyone including my uncle to know about this money, because if he knows that my father has such amount of money deposited outside my country my life would be in danger.

I would like you and me to see face to face so we would trust each other more, and together go to the Security and finance company where my father deposited this money and release it, and i have with me all the deposit documents of the money and my father told me all secret about his money he deposit outside our country .

My aim of contacting you is to assist me in two ways, first to help and transfer this money to your country and secondly to help me get a profitable business for investment in your country or any where in overseas all is base on your professional advice and acceptance to assist me. I can send copies of the deposit documents if you wish.

Please, i wait for your reply to know if you accept to help me . and feel free to ask any question you might need to know about me .
From .
Felix

Felix can be reached here should you wish to contact him to tell him you know his secret.

What Up Dog!

2007-11-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, I stumble on something that sounds like a can't miss idea. In the '80s, we had the Smokeless Ashtray and the Pocket Fisherman (different than pocket pool).

This evening, I found 2007's equivalent to these. The Humping Dog. That's right, a USB Humping Dog. Just plug it in to a free USB slot and he (I assume it's a male - seems logical) goes to town. It's just the thing for your office if you're unhappy with your current job.

To the manufacturers, I'd offer one small suggestion.. As it is now, it just humps. Hump, hump, hump. Why not use 'dog for something else - make it a Bluetooth adapter for example. Maybe he can howl whenever a headset pairs with him.

Or make him a memory stick - the faster data gets written, the more he humps. When the memory stick fills up, he falls over, exhausted. Good puppy.

Butt, Butt

2007-11-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Another butthead driving the streets of California. I was sitting behind this guy and saw her toss a cigarette out the window:
If you look really closely, you can sort of see it, just to the left of the car. It looks like a Newport maybe. Ok, I made the Newport part up, but I bet one of the CSI: teams could figure out what kind it was.

Lady, are you stupid? Did you see all of the fires in San Diego last week? Some of them no doubt started because someone tossed a lit cigarette out their window as they drove down the road. You're right, the pavement isn't going to catch on fire, but don't you think this is a bad habit to develop?

To help you break the habit, I'm on the phone with 1-800-TELL-CHP reporting you now. If you get a letter in the mail, you can thank me - Dorkenhoff, Milton Dorkenhoff, Litter Stopper.

Trick or Treat?

2007-11-01T06:17:00.001-07:00

Halloween came and went, without trick or treaters this year. How sad. Don't get me wrong, we're never overwhelmed by trick or treaters - we usually get less than 10 kids (more candy for me?) but this year there were none. And I think I know exactly who to blame.

It would be the Nazi neighbor who got the people across the street evicted. Damn her. So what if he was (past tense) in a gang and and his friends played handball in the parking lot across the street from my house (yes, my house, not yours). What business is it of yours? I'm sorry he scared you.

Did you ever consider talking to him? No, not through the police, I mean like actually saying hello. I did. When I saw him, I said hello. And he said hello back. It was almost like he was a real person. Now he's gone as are his cousins are gone (my trick or treaters). It's quiet in the neighborhood now - that would be the lack of kids playing I think. I wonder what their lives are like now, where they ended up. I bet they don't have a front yard to play in anymore. But that doesn't matter, because you're not afraid. Some people confront their fears, you get yours evicted. I can't wait to see who moves in next. Registered sex offender maybe?

Was it you who called the police about the beat up pickup truck parked our front houses the other day? Did that bother you too? Because someone was living in it? Here's the thing.. Someone who is living in their car probably doesn't have a lot of money, so when their truck (read "home") gets impounded, they're probably not going to be able to get it back..

Congratulations, you just made someone's life go from bad to worse. And for what? Do you can go on pretending you're better than them.

When does it end?

I blink therefore I am

2007-10-31T22:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's my fault. I was unclear. I've complained time and time again about people not using their signal lights when changing lanes. So often in fact, that people are starting to listen. Take this man, for example:
As we were approaching a traffic light this morning, he was alongside me. Then he signaled. Good job! But then, he was in my lane. And so was I; even though we weren't time travelling, we couldn't occupy the same physical space, so I had to slam on the brakes to avoid being hit.

Right, so what. I wasn't just braking, I was regenerative braking - one minute I'm making power, the next I'm not moving, and you're sitting in front of me, stopped at the same light. Why? What was so important that you needed to be in front of me? But I digress. This isn't about me, it's about signaling, and my failure to communicate.

So let me try again. Signaling is good, dare I say very good. But there's just a tiny bit more involved in changing lanes. I took the liberty of writing down the steps for those who are unsure:

Turn on your signal light to indicate your desire to change lanes,
Look to see that there are no cars in the lane you're planning on moving into,
Change lanes

I know, I know, three steps, so much to remember. But it's got a cutesy acronym (TLC) which should help you a bit, no?

I think we're starting to master step 1 (see above). And lord knows everyone has step 3 down. But step 2 is even more important.

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You signaled, so anyone who happens to be next to you should know you're coming and get out of your way. But you're assuming they saw your signal light.

What if they didn't? Maybe they're on the phone - I know, what are the odds? I'm afraid the onus is still on you, the lane changer, to make sure there are no lane changee's involved.

For our next lesson, we'll cover the differences between changing lanes when the white line is dotted and when it's solid.

Told ya' so

2007-10-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!! We just had an earthquake!

I know, scary, people might be hurt, property damaged, etc. I remember where I was when we had our last major earthquake. On Oct 17, 1989, I was cruising up 880 just south of the Oakland on my way to a Hooters concert. It was my first major quake; my first thought was "damn, I've got a flat tire," followed shortly by "four flats? I can't afford to replace four tires, what the hell did I run over!" And then lastly "ha, all you people pulling over checking your tires, it was an earthquake, you don't have flat tires."

So what's with the celebration tonight? Well, there's the obvious - apart from one fish down (long story) and the grandfather clock stopping, everything seems fine. That's always worth celebrating.

But more importantly, I've been exchanging email with people in my homeowner association about the benefits of earthquake insurance. A significant number of members, apparently, think earthquake insurance is a waste of money - they consider the idea that you would pay money for insurance that you might never need absurd.

Ha, take that! In the next big one, do I want to have to come up with a $100K deductible, or $500K to rebuild my freaking house? Let me think about it for a minute...

While the Cat's away..

2007-10-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

Ethel was out of town last week, so I had some time to kick back, relax, and write a bit of arguably meaningless code. It started out simple enough - Ethel likes horses, so I wanted to try to draw one in a web page. Turns out that's not too hard:
But a single horse was lonely, so I changed the code to draw a bunch of horses - a coral if you will, or maybe wild Mustangs.

Then I thought "well, they're horses, maybe they should race." And I added lots of code and a couple of buttons so that the horses could race across the screen. And that was cool for a while.

But then I thought "that's kind of stupid - the just run at random speeds. And I thought "wait, what if I gave the horses names, and then looked up each "name" on the Yahoo! to see how popular it was, and the more popular a horse was, the faster it ran, etc.

And lo and behold, my cheesy horse racing application was done.

Don't get me wrong, it's by no means perfect. The graphics are a little rough - Halo 3 is certainly better (but I think they spent more money on their game than I did), and the code is a bit iffy in places, but it's sort of neat in a Magic 8-ball sort of predict things way.

And it does have this neat side effect - when run in Internet Explorer (6 and 7), the first race works fine, but then the second race causes the browser to crash. Oopsie..

Take that! evil near-monopoly with an inept customer support staff

2007-10-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

Ha! Comcast didn't know who they were messing with when they took away my California channel (whatever that is) with a scant 12 hours of notice and left a couple of mo-rons to answer their phone. They thought I was just some raving lunatic with a hammer who would accept their acts as gospel.

Think again! You see, the search engine is mightier than the sword. With a few scant queries on the Google, I found the FCC regulations guiding your operations. In particular:

Changes in Rates or Service and Billing Practices

Thirty days advance written notice (using any reasonable written means) must be given to subscribers and local franchising authorities of any changes in rates, programming services or channel positions, if the change is within the control of the cable operator....

Thirty days - do you see that? That's different than 12 hours. It's much more. Even if you count the hours slowly - one ... two ... three ... you won't be able to make 12 hours drag on for 30 days. No, I don't think even the Maccabees could have helped you with this one.

Ok, sure, if I was a fruit fly that only lived for 8 hours I'd never even know - you could have lied in your phone message and said "next month the California channel would go away" and I'd be dead long before I ever knew what happened.

But thankfully (for me, not you), I'm not a fruit fly so I do know what happened. And now you're so screwed.